“I’m Right. You’re Wrong.” is an advice column especially designed to help University at Buffalo students. So, if you have no one else to turn to (and I mean absolutely no one) drop off your question in our personals mailbox or email us at askgeneration@gmail.com. If you’re lucky, your question just might show up in the next issue.

Q: I’ve been feeling very tired lately. Do I have mono?

AM: Well, I’m not a doctor nor am I studying to be one, but I guess you could have mono. Are you getting enough sleep? College students are notorious for staying up late, then having to wake up early for 8 a.m. lab. Sometimes people feel tired because they are under a lot of stress. Are you aware of anything that is making you worry? Also, some people who suffer from fatigue haven’t been physically active enough. Try taking a jog in the mornings. If you still feel tired in a couple of weeks, go to Michael Hall.

P: Long answer? The circumstances of your life really aren’t what you’d pictured they would be at this point in your life. You figured college would be the time to buckle down and sow the seeds of your destiny, studying until the wee hours of the morning in Lockwood, spending every waking moment on one perceivable goal: Career Success. Flash forward. You’ve been drunk for seven days straight and the contents of your stomach amount to one half of a retarded child. Your mouth tastes like dirty brass: licking the change from an eight-ball off the bar. You cry when you see elementary school girls and can’t remember the last time you laughed honestly. Short answer? Yes.

Q: I have a paper due in 30 minutes. I don’t have a printer, and I don’t have time to stand around in the Cybrary and wait for it. What should I do?

AM: There’s nothing you can do now except wait for your printout. Next time, don’t procrastinate so much. Make sure you are in the library ready to print hours in advance. Lots of other students don’t have printers, and they’re able to turn in their papers on time. You really have no excuse here.

P: I think you have a fucking excuse. This is Peter, by the way. The reason you don’t have your shit printed on time is because UB is admitting any Tom, Dick, and Harry into your already penny-pinching departments. Is it too much to ask to buy another hundred printers? When more people come to this school, it means more poor people, which is not only hurting the printing we do, but the hours we spend doing absolutely nothing watching Internet porn in the Cybrary. You should take a stand, you fucking creamdouche.

Q: I’m trying to lose weight and I am starting by not eating candy bars. The problem is, I crave candy bars more than anything in the whole world. How can I curb my cravings?

AM: Why not start by giving up something you think you can live without first? Instead of candy bars, you could ban soda from your diet or switch from white bread to whole wheat bread. If you’re set on ditching the sweets, try drinking more water. When you start to think about candy, force yourself to do something else. For example, when you get a craving, you could knit a couple rows of a scarf until the urge subsides. Just be strong, and don’t give in!

P: God, we made up this question, but for some reason it makes me kind of emotional. I don’t know, I love the fact that you love chocolate so much. Perhaps Ann is right, you should give up Cheetos and do a little running, maybe once around campus every morning. Then, once you’re doing a little better, switch to chocolate. Maybe quit smoking, too. Then again you’re not real, so...bye, I guess?

Q: My roommate thinks he’s so bad-ass, but he’s just a big ‘tard. He listens to really annoying music and whenever he comes out with me and my friends, he says stupid things and makes girls not want to sleep with me. What should I do?

AM: First, I highly doubt it’s your friend who is making girls not want to sleep with you. You shouldn’t worry so much about what your roommate does with his life. Don’t you have your own stuff to deal with?

P: Bathe. Jake again. Oh, and stop hanging out with your roommate. Or, if you have to, bite the bullet and spend a night driving him away. Every time he plays Nickelback on the jukebox, dance. I’m not talking the white man above-the-waist snap ‘n’ twist, I mean break out. Start conversations with nearby females, and when he starts to do something that would normally be embarrassing, gently caress his stomach for a minimum of 30 seconds. Vomit. Drink straight whiskey in 12 oz. glasses until you’re dry-heaving bloody mucus into his hoodie and wiping your mouth on the sleeve of whoever his best friend at the bar happens to be. No joke: be That Guy for one night, and he’ll never follow you out again. Don’t worry about your own social status; no one will notice but him.