Popeye died of E. Coli last week. Did you know that?

With fresh spinach about as safe as a mouthful of rusty razorblades, Wegman’s has pulled it off their shelves in this past week. A national recall for spinach mixes and products is in effect, and the Food and Drug Administration is listing new recalls and updates on their website every day. One hundred and twenty-eight people have been diagnosed with E. Coli, and two people have died.

Not that I’d really know anything about that. When I’m conscious, I’m generally in the office, wishing I had packed myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich so I could avoid spending $6 on a diarrhea sandwich from Burger King. So, how can one avoid the thunderous effects of E. Coli, as well as countless other problems regarding UB foodservice?

Let’s talk about the options:

Sbarro/Orange Julius—Unlike its predecessor, Sbarro doesn’t sell beer. Big disappointment, considering the pizza here actually sucks more than Campus Pizza. For the first week that the place was open, I must have eaten there every day. I don’t know how I afforded that, seeing as a slice of pizza with squishy tomatoes on it costs like four bucks. There was a time there while you could get a discount on whatever it is that Orange Julius sells with your pizza receipt. I still never went there, nor have I any idea what a Julius is.

The Chinese Place—I don’t really know about this place. The food, while generous in serving, certainly isn’t the stuff of Taste Good or Gin Gin. If you’re looking to stay healthy, I must encourage you to look further, perhaps toward:

Campus Café—I go here whenever I forget that a cheese sandwich costs like five bucks. Their sandwiches are fresh and really pretty good hometown delicatessen-like, but Uncle Louie isn’t going to toss free pretzels on the side for you. A sandwich with more than cheese plus a drink will put you up by the $9 range.

Burger King—Yeah right. Eating at Burger King before class is about as brilliant an idea for your future as dousing yourself in gasoline and playing with matches. People make documentaries and write books about how bad this shit is for you. What’s your rush to eat it?

Subway—I really love coming out of lunch smelling like I’ve been in residence at a shitty bakery. My hair smelled like a ripe yeast infection for three days. All of their meat tastes like baloney and they don’t have Swiss cheese. By the way, how many people does it take to make a sandwich? Six?

Over the years, I’ve found that the best way to eat is to save your money and stock up on Cheetos from CVS.

But this year, things are different. I’ve got a new idea. For the rest of the year, I’ll be in charge of the food around these parts. I’ve opened up a deli using a minifridge and a few boxes of disposable napkins and knives that I found in my office. When you’re hungry, I recommend you stop by. I’ll call it D-Bag’s Delicatessen. It’s not really legal, nor will it be all that great, but it’s an easy way to take the power back, if that’s your thing.

On the menu:

Turkey Sandwich: Two (or three) slices of Wegman’s turkey breast, one slice of indiscriminate cheese, lettuce, and tomato on some form of white bread.

The sandwich comes with a can of soda and a pickle. It costs one dollar. Stop on by 315 Student Union.

Hell, I’ll even wear a rubber glove, and a sailor’s shirt, for Popeye.

Editor in Chief

Peter Scheck