Dear Editor,

Last semester, myself and some close friends decided it would be prudent to “borrow” a Capen Hall signpost from the University. We devised a plan to quietly take it off of the administration’s hands, and were successful in our endeavor. It wasn’t given much thought for several months, and established a peaceful feng shui within our home. Come mid-September, myself and my fellow housemates were eager with anticipation of the visit of His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama. After hearing his speech, we returned home deeply impressed by the message of compassion and detachment from the material. Back at the house, the Capen sign glared in the face of HH’s teachings. We knew we had to do something, not only for our own karmic balance, but to free ourselves from the vice of material possession. We sleep easy tonight, knowing that the Capen sign lies, at peace with itself, in the Oozefest pits.

We considered placing the sign in the waters of Ellicott creek to rest with the sands of the Mandala, but figured UB might want it’s trivial material possession back. Please pass on our message so that other students may be likewise inspired to return stolen state property

Sincerely,

A reformed student

P.S. Go look for yourself

Dear reformed student,

“Myself” is not a subject pronoun. “I,” on the other hand, is. You should have said, “Some close friends and I,” silly. That’s just bad grammar karma.

You know, I think every student, from every school, has thought about stealing a sign. You, sir (and I must assume you are male, judging from the nature of this stunt), are hardly a trailblazer. Perhaps you wear a blazer or are often blazed, but your theft is even less original than vandalizing the Porter sign to read “Pooter.”

I once knew this kid who took it upon himself to steal the “Emergency Entrance” sign out in front of Michael Hall. This strikes me as vastly more impressive, seeing as his theft could result in a medical accident or death. In your case, perhaps a student walked up to Capen, stood confused for a moment, then looked up to see one of the many signs bolted to the side of the structure. I’m sure the sign was fun to have, but let’s think big picture, shall we?

Congratulations on “returning” the sign, but tossing it into the Oozefest pits is the equivalent of stealing a car, taking a dump in the back seat, driving it into a fireworks factory, and calling the whole thing even. Only it’s a whole lot lamer. I’m glad you came out for the Lama, because you be enlightened, brother.

Do you have any other acts of social disobedience lined up for the near future? Perhaps you’ll steal a whole box of napkins out of the Student Union, then load them into the condiment stand at Bert’s. Campus will grind to a halt. Or maybe you could break into President Simpson’s car and move it to a different lot. That’ll make him pWn3d!

Keep on smoking mad bluts. I’m sure you’ll come up with something creative.

Love,

Charles Wiff

Associate Editor

(Grammar Lesson Courtesy of:

Ann Marie Olivo

Senior Editor)