Charles Wiff: Well, last week marked the historic visit of the Fourteenth Dalai Lama, Tenzin Gyatso, to our fair campus. You were probably already aware of this, considering that classes were cancelled and the university was effectively put on lockdown for his Tuesday speech, which drew in a crowd about 30,000 large of students and visitors, completely filling UB stadium. I attended in the woefully placed student seating and found his message to be both inspiring and emotional, a defining moment for our school.

Ryan “Moss” Yaeger: Yeah, the definition of a mess. I mean, besides being a blatantly obvious violation of the separation of church and state, look at all the delays it caused and money it cost. Throw in the poor sound, student seats as far away as was possible, and the sunburn I got—yeah, it was fucking great.

C: If you think that the Dalai Lama speaking at UB is a violation of the separation of church and state, you should get your abnormally large head examined. No one was forcing anything on you, which is a situation I’m sure you’re used to by now. I think the Lama’s words would have been effective from the mouth of any figure, religious or not.

M: But what did he actually say? “Non-violence,” “peace,” “understanding,” and “warm-heartedness.” Just the kind of words that appeal to people like you, with your abnormally long hair. Damn hippie. He also called himself “just a human being,” so why should I give him any more credence than I would a crack addict on the street corner downtown?

C: I’ll concede that he didn’t exactly achieve world peace with his speech—in fact, it was quite simplistic for anyone with passing knowledge of Buddhism. But if a rerun of The Fresh Prince of Bel Air is on, do you not watch it? I’m hoping the words of the Dalai Lama will catalyze students towards a better attitude, just as Will Smith’s cracks concerning Alfonso Ribeiro’s sexual prowess have driven them to laughter.

M: Ah, but Fresh Prince is designed to be entertaining. A Distinguished Speaker is designed to be educational and inspiring. All his posturing on the necessity of world peace is well and good, but I’m not the one starting trouble. In fact, the night of his visit, the people of Buddhist-dominated Thailand supported a military coup. Maybe he should have been preaching for a better attitude amongst his own compatriots rather than to a bunch of apathetic college students.

C: First of all, the coup in Thailand was anything but violent—as far as military coups go, it was fairly boring. It kind of upset me; I was hoping to see some remarkable images from the war-torn streets of Bangkok that would burn themselves forever into the fragile minds of TV viewers. At least I got to say “Bangkok” repeatedly in subsequent days.

But in all seriousness, the Lama also can’t be held responsible for the actions of other followers of his creed. As you mentioned, he humbled himself and his influence rather extensively in his speech.

M: Okay, great. So we should have called him His Humblest the Dalai Lama? I felt pretty humble standing in line. You know, behind all the thousands of other tortured souls that swirled down St. Rita’s Lane, through Stadium Lot, back around and further down St. Rita’s? It was like the “Trail of Tears” for the twenty-first century. We just had different Indians this time.

C: An annoyance, yes, but it was nice to see, at long last, a procession of bodies marching towards UB Stadium with a common purpose. Don’t tell me you didn’t enjoy finally swimming about a mass of people at the South Gate, all races and creeds and colors, all united behind what the day represented—it’s cathartic to be immersed in a teeming sea of excited bodies. Maybe that sounds a little gay. But it was still nice to finally see a big event at what I’m often told is a big university.

M: Yo, I’m the classicist here, and I’m not getting all Greco-Roman mass-orgy-of-people-in-the-middle-of-the-Colosseum on you. Swimming in a rainbow of cultures united behind the day? I know the protesters weren’t there to support it. I sure wasn’t there to support it. I just didn’t have shit else to do.

C: I’m glad you took the ticket of a student who might’ve been interested, then. You best check yo’self. You know where the Lama hails from? The far east, dawg. I’ll bet that behind that diminutive exterior, there lies the beating heart of a martial arts master. He’ll kill you eight times before you hit the ground and still have time to meditate before your body cools. Even you can show some respect for that.

M: That’d kinda defeat the whole “non-violence” bit though, wouldn’t it? And besides, I’m from the far east too: the far east end of Lake Ontario. Plus, what is he, 71? I’ve got half a century on him. I’d show that Lama what’s what if it came down to it.

C: Ah yes, Lake Ontario. The deep lake with the shallow gene pool. And I think the Lama’s minimalist diet probably leaves him in better shape than your “fistful of pepperoni smothered in hot sauce” regimen. My money’s still on the holy man.

Perhaps we should take a page from the Lama’s book and simply agree to disagree. Or better, I’ll Roshambo you for it.

M: First off, don’t be knockin’ my pepperoni, you grass-eating vegetarian. Secondly, you’re on!

C: And that’s how we solved the Dalai Lama!