“I’m Right. You’re Wrong.” is an advice column especially designed to help University at Buffalo students. So, if you have no one else to turn to (and I mean absolutely no one) drop off your question in our personals mailbox or email us at askgeneration@gmail.com. If you’re lucky, your question just might show up in the next issue.
Q: I am a lesbian. This 15-year-old girl has been checking me out a lot lately and asked me to teach her lesbian pleasure. I am 22 years old and it would be so wrong to have something with her. What should I do? She’s 15, but so lovable!
AM: Although it may sound tempting, you cannot teach her what she wants to learn. Regardless of gender, there are statutory rape laws. If you do something with her that she later regrets, she can go to the authorities and you could be arrested and end up being charged as a sex offender. It’s just not worth it. Tell her she has to wait three years. Until then, she can experiment with girls her own age, and you could find someone over 18.
P: I would do it. But I have enough sexual problems to make sex offenses look like parking tickets. And I can’t pee good no more.
Q: I hate studying. What should I do?
AM: Guess what. It’s college. You have to study. You should get over it and get to it.
S: Become a trash collector. Seriously, they make good money and you won’t have to spend much time studying. You’ll probably be too busy shoveling other people’s waste into a giant, stinking truck to worry much about books and papers. Or go into politics. You don’t really need education for that shit.
P: html. Alex has a video, like, course on html.
Q: I have trouble understanding my Asian math professor. It's like he's talking in a different language. What should I do? HELP! I'm failing this class!
AM: As you may or may not know, people from different countries speak English with accents—some more than others. If you’re really having trouble understanding, try bringing a tape recorder to class and listen again at home. Be attentive and pay attention to how he pronounces words you recognize. Then you should get a hang of how he speaks. Regardless, his accent isn’t what’s causing you to fail the course. Read the books, do the assignments, and go to office hours. Be respectful and patient—how would you feel if you moved to a foreign country and the people complained about your American accent?
P: Talk to SA President Viqar Hussain about your problem. He’s out there on the front lines fighting your inane borderline-racist battles for you.
Q: I think my roommate is gay. I'm afraid he might be interested in me. How do I approach this situation?
AM: What situation? You think your roommate is gay. You’re afraid he might be interested in you. Even if he is gay, that doesn’t automatically mean he wants to get with you. Come on—homophobia is so 15 years ago.
S: So what if he is? Get over it. You can probably learn a lot from him. I’m willing to bet you dress like a slob and smell worse. Take him shopping with you, and maybe you’ll realize that Adidas sandals and basketball shorts are not the pinnacle of fashion you think they are. I’m also willing to bet he gets more trim than you, and probably without trying. Girls are into the whole non-threatening male companion thing, and the way you hide outside their dorm-room windows is fucking creepy. And even if he wants to play swords once in a while, what’s the harm in that?
P: I’m gay in my dreams.
Q: What’s the best rap song to have sex to?
AM: Well, I don’t believe there’s one song in particular that’s better to make love to than others. I suppose it depends on your personal preferences. It should be something that both you and your partner enjoy. Making your partner listen to something they don’t like during will turn them off and perhaps even stop them from getting off.
P: I would recommend Notorious B.I.G.’s “Kick in the Door” off of his Life After Death album. It has not only a beat suitable for humping, but a heartwarming message. Best of all, it weighs in at a mere 4:46, which sounds about right for one of your sessions.
