“I’m Right. You’re Wrong.” is an advice column especially designed to help University at Buffalo students. So, if you have no one else to turn to (and I mean absolutely no one) drop off your question in our personals mailbox or email us at askgeneration@gmail.com. If you’re lucky, your question just might show up in the next issue.

Q: I am a shy freshman with not much luck with the women. How should I start talking to one?

AM: Try talking to someone in one of your non-gen ed classes. If you’re a psychology major and talk to someone in your PSY 101 class, chances are you’ll have more in common with her than some random girl in your World Civ lecture. You could sit near her in class, and when the class is over you could talk to her about the lecture. Even if it’s not a whole conversation, just dropping a comment or two will help break the ice. Don’t try to single out specific girls you think are hot; try talking to whoever you can. This way, you might find someone you’re interested in romantically or you could make some really cool friends.

P: I was once a shy young man myself in freshman year, until I started DJing at WRUB radio over in Ellicott. Our signal wasn’t broadcast—it was sent out on campus cable and on the Internet, but I didn’t let that hamper my style. Within a few weeks, I had my own DJ tone (unusual for most, but I was a natural) and quite an attractive following. At one point, I was unable to so much as eat chicken finger subs at Hubie’s for my incredible fame. My bitches had become too many for my britches, if you will.

AM: The only thing your radio show made you famous for was talking too softly and lots of dead air.

P: Okay. Tell her how large your penis is, that’s what Chris said the last time you asked this question (Vol. 23, Issue 3). Is that what you want, you fools? I don’t know how to be grody.

Q: What does Generation think about the Long Island girls? Are they really that bad?

AM: I cannot speak on behalf of the whole magazine, but being from Mastic, Suffolk County, I can say that Long Island girls are okay by me. Sure, some Buffalonians may think we have annoying accents—but it’s certainly not more annoying than a Buffalo accent. Sometimes when I tell people that I’m from Long Island, they don’t believe me. But you don’t wear Uggs! Your hair isn’t in that weird, sloppy ponytail! Your skin isn’t pumpkin orange! Contrary to popular belief, not everyone that comes from Long Island goes tanning. And, granted, not all Nassau County girls fit the above-mentioned descriptions. Don’t base your opinions on stereotypes. I know plenty of LIers that wear oversized designer shades inside and Uggs in July that are very caring and intelligent people. So, to answer your question: No, we’re not that bad.

P: What is it with you idiots writing “the” before you talk about groups of people? “The women?” “The Long Island girls?” Okay, are you’re referring to “the Long Island girls” that take up 12 tables in the union? Because they, my friends, are blood-curdling skanks. Ha, broke ass hoes.

Q: Is the SA president Viqar Hussain currently available for some fun buén from a young SXY babe?

AM: I don’t know what he’s up to right this minute nor do I know what buén is. Your best bet would be to talk to him yourself.

P: A fine question. While I can’t answer for SA president Viqar Hussain, Generation editor Peter Scheck has always been known to get down with a bit of “fun buén.” Let me know of your rates and restrictions and stop by 315 Student Union sometime this week. I could use my rug vacuumed.

Q: My friends won’t introduce me to their little sisters anymore. How else am I supposed to get laid?

AM: You shouldn’t be so concerned with getting laid, especially not with your friends’ little sisters. As I’ve explained in this magazine more times than I really should have to, there are statutory rape laws. You just can’t have sexual relations with a minor. Period. You should consider getting some counseling over in Richmond Hall in Ellicott. It sounds like you have sexuality issues.

P: Well, I would recommend you go to the strip club with a strapping wad of cash and preposition young women. Since young ladies are your fancy, I imagine you’d prefer a woman with small breasts and without any sort of pubic hair—easily solved. The tricky part will be finding a relationship destructive enough to really tear apart your friendships, since that has to be at least a sidebar of your overall goal. Why not just sleep with your own sister and cut out the middleman?