WE SMOKUM PEACE BLUT?
Cyclone (honey flavored)
6/10
by Guy M. Scrivo
Going to the Niagara Falls Native American reservation is more fun than going to the one in the Southtowns. Why? Because of Smokin’ Joe’s: local mecca to anyone who enjoys tax-free tobacco and gasoline. My friend purchased a box of ginseng-flavored blunt wraps on clearance for $7 and cartons of generic cigarettes are $11. So it’s only natural that local blunt fans travel from far and wide to come here to purchase $30 boxes of Dutches and other more obscure cigars and blunt wraps.
On my way to the checkout counter, I saw some little tubes called “Cyclone blunt wraps.” I like intoxicant products with names of things that could kill me, like King Cobra malt liquor or Mad Dog 20/20 bumwine. So when I saw the Cyclone, with its nifty plastic case, for a tax-free 75 cents, I knew I was destined to purchase it.
When you open up your sealed Cyclone cylinder, inside you will find a cone-shaped cigar leaf, stiff and ready for packing, and it comes with a tiny bamboo stick for packing your filler down neatly. At the thin end of the cone is a crude filter already built in, made out of rolled-up cardboard. The whole thing culminates at the mouthpiece with a tiny hole at the tip of the cone. When I first saw this tiny hole, I said, “This thing will soon become clogged and deliver only weak hits.” But the Cyclone contains secret government technology that keeps the hole free of crap and resin, and so it delivers smooth hits all the way to the last drag.
The filter is well-designed enough that it prevents shake from coming through into your mouth, but also from entering too far into the filter itself, so once you burn down close to the filter, you can rest assure you’re finished and you’re not being wasteful.
My only problem with the Cyclone was how thin the shell was. It was ultimately a spliff shell, but the leaf-paper was so thin that the whole thing had burned down to the filter in about eight minutes, leaving me overall unsatisfied. And that’s no joke. However, that was my only qualm at all with Cyclones.
I would recommend Cyclones for special events or the inexperienced roller. Cyclones hit very well and are very clean-burning wraps you can expect not to canoe, but they burn faster than a firecracker fuse. So don’t use it when there are mad heads unless you institute a pass-immediately rule. The tube it comes in is reusable and sturdy, making it almost worth the 75 cents just to have a small shell the thickness of a marker to carry around your creations in. It’s smaller than one of those dildo-sized White Owl tubes. It’s worth a shot, but only buy one at a time. Good luck finding them anywhere on the white man’s stolen land because I haven’t seen them since Smokin’ Joe’s.
RAW TALENT. FRESH MEAT.
Top Chef Season Two
9/10
by Tara Sullivan
After coming off a three-month bender of Project Runway, it’s a damn good thing Top Chef took over Bravo’s 10 p.m. Wednesday night spot. If not for the culinary battle royale, I’d be in some alley going through excruciating reality contest withdrawal. I need the creative challenges, quirky contestants, and nail-biting vote-offs far more than a fat kid needs cake. Top Chef 2 proves it’s sure to deliver the same cutthroat competition as last season.
If you’re not familiar with Top Chef, here’s the premise: 15 cooking gurus from around the United States go head to head in quick-fire (which guarantees immunity from being voted off) and elimination challenges each week. In every episode, someone has to “pack their knives and leave.” It seems simple enough, but the conflicting personalities on the show bring imminent drama to every challenge. You get a little bit of everyone in this season. There are the hot chefs, gays, drunkards, seductresses, and a bizarre old guy. So, whatever type of entertainment you’re looking for, Top Chef has you covered.
In the opening episode, the quick-fire challenge had the contestants flambéing, or dousing their dish in alcohol to cook it via pyrotechnics. This was slightly amusing to watch because I know that if I ever attempt that cooking style, my kitchen will surely burn down. Sam, the badass, tattooed chef, won with some kind of spicy rum shrimp which looked delicious. By the way, don’t watch this show if you’re hungry. You’ll want to run to Wegmans for ingredients to cook up your own fantastic meal. More likely, you’ll scarf down Easy Mac wishing it were a fantastic meal.
The final challenge was a little more interesting. Each group was given five totally random ingredients and each person had to make a dish utilizing all of them. One group got snails, peanuts, potato, processed American cheese, and artichokes. The other received frog legs, chicken liver, eggplant, cornflakes, and peanut butter. Gross! Surprisingly, they whipped up some pretty impressive concoctions. The winner, Mia, fried up the frog legs and paired them with mashed eggplant. It was Kentucky Fried Chicken revamped into a gourmet meal.
Unless you have a vehement hatred for food, there’s not much to dislike about Top Chef. Unlike most competition reality shows, the hosts aren’t utterly obnoxious and most of the participants are oddballs or partiers. If you have ever worked in the restaurant field, like to go out to eat, or just like to watch people make asses of themselves on television, tune in to Top Chef.
THE PRESIDENT IS BEDEVILING
Freak Show
7/10
by Elina Vaysbeyn
There’s a freak show on Coney Island, in Brooklyn, New York. Its highest praised attribute is the ability to please, shock, and disgust you at the same time. However, it is nothing like the new hit Freak Show on Comedy Central. Freak Show has a promising plot. A gang of crime-fighting rejects sets out on random irrelevant missions and fails horribly at each and every one of them. Hired by the Pentagon, the circus freaks are a dark and funny representation of today’s government officials. They never seem to get anything accomplished, do they?
The cast is comprised of a milieu of grossly endowed characters, including a set of Siamese twins, a bearded clam lady, a premature baby, and a log cabin Republican (he can’t decide between whispering peach and bronze-berry frost, but he does turn into a burly S&M-lovin’ butt pirate). They all have superhuman abilities that aid them in their tasks as the Pentagon’s errand runners. Freak Show is highly similar to other shows with strange characters whose only goal in life is to screw up, farcically. Aqua Teen Hunger Force is one such TV program. Master Shake, Frylock, and Meatwad are the original freak squad. They were a team of b-list heroes, not to mention they do more harm than good.
We can’t help but think that Freak Show, just like many cartoon TV shows aimed at an adult audience, is providing a commentary on current events and the world around us. It’s a satirical distortion, or caricature, if you will, of pop culture, our government, and even the media itself. It is entertaining and comical and just politically incorrect enough to arouse our desensitized organ of appeasement. Watching someone else fail miserably at life is pretty gratifying. Though these cartoons are clever and sarcastic, they paint a bleak picture of their audience. People today are so jaded that watching other’s misfortunes is amusing. The premise of Freak Show is to poke fun of things we indulge in, like explicitly misogynistic rap lyrics (i.e. “Shake That Stupid Ass” from episode two), or certain political, sexual, and racial stereotypes.
Therein lies the positive aspect of these shows. They possess a dual nature, exposing us and forcing us to look at ourselves and our depraved attitudes, as well as making light of our extremely serious lives. Some people will get the message of the double edged sword, some won’t.
LIGHT BULB: INSTALL BACKUP GENERATOR
University Village at Sweethome
2/10
by Daniele Hauptman
When I moved into an apartment, I thought I’d left the days of garbage-lined hallways behind. Alas, there has been applesauce trailing down the stairs of my apartment building since the snowstorm launched us into a blackout. Most buildings have what interior decorators refer to as “beer can chic.” There is, in fact, a huge hole in one staircase of building five. Located across from a high school, on a street where construction is endless, I was a fool to expect more from the University Village at Sweethome.
Sure, it looks sweet from the outside, kind of like a model. But, inside, it’s got serious problems. The outdoor in-ground pool, tanning beds, and an outdoor hot tub plaster the website and brochures. The hot tub, however, is currently cold and broken, the tanning beds weren’t working for much of last year (not that my white ass cares), and for some reason, half the bicycles and treadmills in Sweethome’s “fitness center” seem to be perpetually busted as well. Every room features a wobbly bed, probably due to the constant jackhammer-style banging heard throughout Sweethome. And, if any light bulb in your so-called “sweet” apartment goes out, forget about having them replace it. Delia Kelly said, “I put in a work order in the beginning of the year to have the ceiling light in my room replaced. So far, it’s still out.” The other day, my smoke alarm was beeping—one beep every minute or so. It’s like a built-in alarm clock meant to wake you up every single time you manage to drift off to sleep. I asked if someone would put a new battery in it, explaining that I had an exam the following day. When I returned to my room later, the alarm was still beeping. How long does it take to replace a battery and a light bulb? Apparently our rent money is being used on pizza parties instead of basic maintenance.
The website proclaims, “Your comfort, well-being, and academic success is our first priority.” For $555-765 per month (not including electric bill), Sweethome must have other top priorities. For starters, they could invest in a backup generator for those cold, blackout-ridden Buffalo winters, and stop bragging about their shoddy amenities. What about their concern for our well-being and academic success? Shuttles are supposed to run continuously to and from the Flint loop (with, notably, some of the friendliest, nicest bus drivers I’ve ever encountered). However, in the late afternoon, I’ve waited over an hour for a bus. When I questioned the desk attendant, I was informed that Sweethome has no contact with bus drivers, and no real bus schedule. Buses don’t even run on the weekends, so unless you have a car or a generous friend, you’re stranded. Worst of all, one of the sensors, which are supposed to only unlock the doors to my building when a resident’s electronic FOB key is detected, has been broken ever since I moved in. Anyone could easily waltz in and find an unlocked apartment.
Clearly, our well-being is also Sweethome’s first priority. I have a feeling the people who work in Sweethome are not chosen based on competence, but on friendliness and appearance. Half the people there look like they’re auditioning for an Abercrombie ad. I’ve never lived like this before, and it’s not the only choice.
HELL OF A HARROWING HAUNTED HOUSE
Dark Raven Manor - Clarence, NY
8/10
by Jack Niejadlik
You really can’t buy a whole lot for $16 these days. Typically, it’s enough for a little more than a half tank of gas, a couple boxes of cereal, or two movie tickets (sans snacks—thanks, capitalism!). In today’s world, driven by “WiFi this” and “dollar menu that,” it is easy to find ourselves longing for the simple pleasures we left behind with our childhood: basing our food choices on flavor alone, looking forward to the magical time called recess, and, surely, getting scared shitless at haunted houses around Halloween. A visit to Dark Raven Manor, in Clarence, New York, can undoubtedly help with your horror fix. Well, either that or you’ll die of a heart attack.
At Dark Raven Manor, your admission fee gains you entrance into two separate, distinctly startling haunted houses. The first house is the main attraction, of course. Like most haunted houses, the familiar recipe is there: rooms with scary shit going on, lights a-flickering, pitch black narrow walkways leading to more rooms of more heart-stopping spooks, and teenage kids screaming, pounding walls, and breathing down necks. The main house of Dark Raven Manor succeeds in what it sets out to do. Your nerves are on edge, your pulse skyrockets, and your bladder is seemingly harder to control.
The second attraction, “Jigsaw,” is inspired by the Saw films trilogy, with a splash of Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and just a touch of class. And, of course, by class I mean fear for your life. The experience is shorter in length than the first house, but the entire affair establishes a clear and chilling focus: you feel like your life is in danger and you need to escape—highly different from the traditional role of an observer in the classic haunted house.
In addition to the houses themselves, you’ll no doubt encounter all of the classic haunted house-goers: the scared girls, the scared girly boys, the tough boyfriends who act like they can’t be scared, the small children, and the parents of small children who you will scoff at and whose validity as a parental unit you will immediately judge. With an ambience like that, the Dark Raven Manor experience is more than worth it. Do yourself a favor. Shell out the cash this season to remember what it’s like to be a kid again. A kid who craps their pants out of pure fear for their own life, that is.
WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE SCARY MOVIE?
Halloween Movie List
9/10
by Brad Deck
It is unfair for me to expect the loyal readership of Generation to heed any suggestion as an alternate to getting sauced on Halloween night. Rather, if you find yourself somewhat lacking in the spooky spirit of the season in the week leading up to All Hallow’s Eve, you may consider haunting your local video store and picking up one of these quintessential fright films. Not one of these flicks is an Oscar-winner, but they are perfect for getting into the Halloween mood. In no particular order, I give you the 2006 Scary Movie Must-List.
Perhaps the most subtly inappropriate movie in the history of Walt Disney, Hocus Pocus (8/10) taught us all that teenage boys make perfect house pets and children are best served with margarine. Director Kenny Ortega (Newsies, High School Musical) led a cast of comic greats, including Bette Midler, Kathy Najimy, and Garry Marshall in what may be the most bitterly over-the-top children’s movie of all time. Regardless of the fact that this movie is offensively stupid and that the performances are, at times, unwatchably outrageous, this film and the holiday walk hand in hand, making it the quintessential “family” Halloween movie.
John Carpenter’s Halloween is widely considered to be one of the greatest, most groundbreaking slasher films of all time. While it is inventive, and certainly different from any other picture on the market at that time, it is not exactly the most fun of the eight series installments. When looking for a mindless horror flick to pass an hour and a half, pick up Halloween: H20 (8/10) instead. In the penultimate Michael Meyers picture, the killer follows his sister (Jamie Lee Curtis) to Northern California where she is the headmistress of a prep school. Luckily, the movie has nothing to do with water, and it is credited with launching the film careers of Michelle Williams and Josh Hartnett.
Another spooky must-see that could be classified as a “family film.” is Addams Family Values (9/10), the sequel to 1991’s The Addams Family. Far superior to both its predecessor and the camp television show upon which it is based, Addams Family Values is an innovative and brilliant comedy with one of the greatest ensemble casts ever. Christina Ricci should have gotten academy recognition for her portrayal of Wednesday, the sole Addams daughter. Her monologue as a rogue pilgrim in a summer camp pageant is the stuff of cinematic dreams.
In Rosemary’s Baby (10/10), Mia Farrow stars as a young mother-to-be whose struggling actor husband sells his soul to the devil in exchange for Satan’s use of his wife’s womb as means to deliver his own into the world. Never has there been a horror movie with such a chilling and climactic ending, and watching Farrow’s Rosemary become a captive of her own spawn makes this one of the greatest terror stories ever told.
Some other movies that deserve an honorable mention in the realm of the scary movie greats are Scream 2, Dawn of the Dead (2004), Misery, and I Know What You Did Last Summer.
Horror movies too often get a bad rep because, most of the time, they’re trash. But if there is ever a time when it is socially acceptable to indulge yourself with these cinematic morsels of fear, it is Halloween. Flick or treat.
MACIN’ WITH THE BOOK
MacBook
8/10
by Jason A. Bocko
As a longtime advocate of status symbols, you could probably imagine my delight when I received a new MacBook laptop. After coming off of a year with a PC that ended with a very painful breakup, I finally had the one tool that everyone needs in college to be unique—an Apple computer. Yes, finally I too could go to the library, pull out my computer, and enjoy the satisfaction of fellow patrons looking at me and thinking, “wow, he must be cool.” For the past week, having owned this new computer did not only make my computing life better, it made me into a better person.
Before I get into the specifics of the computer, let me first warn that I know very little about computers. All I really know is that it’s white and has a 60GB hard drive, meaning that alas, I do not have room for my entire porn collection. The processor (a term I hear thrown around quite a bit) is a 1.83 GHz Intel Core Duo processor (which I know because I still have the box, also a very attractive shade of white). What that means? I don’t really know. They could tell me that there’s a really fast hamster running around on a wheel inside, and I’d be just as satisfied. With all that said, I have never owned a computer that discouraged productivity quite as much as this one—and resultantly, I am in love with it.
The prime example of this is perhaps the built-in webcam, a perfect addition for all those who would rather up their facebook picture count than their work on the great American novel. Personally, I have an entire collection of photos on my computer of me and random people taken while “writing a paper.”
The aesthetic charm of the MacBook, of course, cannot be forgotten. While many people think about “performance” while using their computer, I, on the other hand, look for something that is fun to look at. The best example of this is the layout of Mac OS X 10.4. There are bouncing icons, pretty colors, and funny pictures. If only Microsoft paid more attention to pleasing us visually, the computing world would be less confined to the rooms of dedicated nerds and open to all people that still consider Fisher Price to have been the height of consumer goods.
In all, I rather enjoy the new MacBook. Sure the amount of pornography one can place on the hard drive is quite limited, and sure it resembles a children’s toy, but that only adds to the aura. It is nice to feel like you gain respect in this day and age for what you own, and having an Apple computer is one of the best status symbols to own. Now that conforming is becoming a trend, why not conform to the Apple paradigm and be an individual?
MORE LIKE BORONADO (UNTIL THE END)
Dennis Lehane - Coronado
7/10
by Joe Speranza
For over 12 years, Dennis Lehane has made a big impact on the literary world. His Patrick Kenzie/Angela Gennaro detective books have won several awards, and his two most recent books have been best sellers. One of them, Mystic River, was adapted into a major motion picture and garnered Sean Penn an Oscar for Best Actor. With that in mind, I had no reason to think his newest book would suck.
Well, it kind of did. Coronado is a book that consists of four short stories along with a short story that was adapted for the stage. The first four stories didn’t really draw me in, though I endured them ‘til the end, disgruntled that I paid $25 for a book that I wasn’t enjoying.
One of the better stories out of the first four was called “Running out of Dog.” It takes place in a southern town, and while it wasn’t very original, it at least kept my interest. It was about, according to the book jacket, “a dangerous man with a broken heart and a high-powered assault rifle.” If I could do a better job explaining it, I would, but there really wasn’t much else to it. It was good, I suppose, but it only went skin-deep and didn’t take much thinking to figure out how it was going to end.
Another notable story out of the first four was called “Gone Down to Corpus.” This story, in contrast to the first one, was original and exciting, but was too short. In the story, a young boy and girl fall in love while trashing a house. I enjoyed reading it, but it was only 22 pages long and I wanted more.
The book was losing me after the fourth story, “Mushrooms,” and I almost gave up on it. I decided to trudge on for the last 100 or so pages, and I was delighted to find out that Lehane saved his best for last.
The last short story was called “Until Gwen,” and it was followed by a play that was adapted from the story. The play, titled Coronado, showcases some of the darker sides of human nature and reminds the reader that Lehane knows what he is doing. In Coronado, a con-artist father and a revengeful son engage in a battle that will leave one of them dead. With the help of other characters that bring the plot full circle, Coronado is a dark, suspenseful, and brilliant work from one of literature’s finest minds.
Although I can’t suggest this book whole-heartedly, I can say that I ended up enjoying it. The last short story and the play were good enough to make me forget about the weak beginning, and fans of Lehane will most likely share my opinion.
