“I’m Right. You’re Wrong.” is an advice column especially designed to help University at Buffalo students. So, if you have no one else to turn to (and I mean absolutely no one) drop off your question in our personals mailbox or email us at askgeneration@gmail.com. If you’re lucky, your question just might show up in the next issue.

Q: My dad hits on my girlfriend, and my mother tells me to talk to my dad. How do I break up with my girlfriend to make it all go away?

AM: Obviously, breaking up with her isn’t going to solve the problem. If you do, the next time you have a girlfriend, your father may do the same thing. You should listen to your mother and talk to your father about it. Also, make sure not to bring your girlfriend home until your father wises up.

P: My dad used tp hit my girlfriend and then my mom would hide in the tool shed. Things could be worse. If you think that your father is becoming a threat to your romantic life, it may be time to rethink your relationships.

Q: I was on South Campus the other day, and there are so many more trees on the ground than on North Campus. Why is that?

AM: It could have something to do with where the storm hit harder or where there are more trees.

M: It’s all a conspiracy, man. Really, the secret nuclear reactor on South imploded on Thursday afternoon, causing a localized nuclear winter phenomenon which spread outward from there. Notice how South and the surrounding areas took the longest to get their power back? Proves me right. This shit is so like 9-11.

P: ‘Cause ders trees der, mon.

Q: I cut my hand on something the other day, and it’s kind of red and really hurts. Do you think it’s infected? What should I do?

AM: It probably is infected. When you get out of the shower, put some anti-bacterial ointment on it and cover it with a bandage for a couple days. It should start to feel and look better. If it gets really hot or starts to puss, you should go to the doctor.

P: I don’t know anything about this. Consult a physician. Not a phonetician.

Q: I have been having sex with my gorgeous girlfriend three times a day for the past month, and have recently found that I’m losing my sex drive. Does this mean I’m turning gay?

AM: Just because you’re losing your sex drive doesn’t mean you’re gay. If you’re feeling depressed or are taking certain anti-depressants, you may not be as interested in sex. You might be under a lot of stress in your life or within the relationship. Are there unresolved conflicts between you two? Perhaps you subconsciously fear you will get your girlfriend pregnant. Are you practicing safe sex? Maybe you’re just having too much sex. Another reason for your loss of interest may be that you’re just not attracted to her anymore, or that you’re not attracted to women in general. Just try to relax, be free from distractions, and initiate some foreplay before you jump into it.

P: I’ve been having sex with this gorgeous girl three times a day for the past two weeks, and let me tell you, this girl is a stallion. She keeps talking about some dickless gay dude loser she goes out with, but that’s generally when I cover her head with a pillow and give her the running bull. Thanks for writing, and good luck!

Q: So, I have a question that I’ve never been able to figure out about this advice column. The title leads me to believe that it’s one person saying they’re right and the other person is wrong. So, which one of you is it? And what’s the deal with that anyway? What’s so bad about compromise?

AM: Well, I believe it’s pretty obvious that I’m right and Mr. Scheck is wrong. There’s nothing wrong with compromise if both parties involved have a bit of sound advice, but I tend to think that P never has anything legitimate to contribute to our readers’ problems.

P: Com—as in “conman.” They’re bad because they lie, I think.

Promise—as in promising to take your newborn child home from the hospital and then stopping at the OTB to drop 400 on Timmy’s Jolly Roger. Then driving back to your house piss drunk, and running into the house to pee. Later realizing you left her in her carseat on the roof of the car when you left the hospital.

Drag.