This just in: American Dream continues to deteriorate. Surprised? I’m not. A recent CNN survey finds a majority of Americans, 54 percent, believe the American Dream is an impossibility. In a land where the pursuit of life, liberty, and happiness is our modus operandi, this is a deplorable state of affairs.

But what pray tell is this the “American Dream?” Well, hard to say, really, as each American has their own dreams. So, for the sake of argument, let’s use my somewhat traditional version: a happy marriage, a modest house, a decent paying job, two and a half kids, a car or two, and perchance a pet. But since it seems more likely than not that I won’t attain this dream, let’s examine what my life will be like if our current national trends continue.

Marriage, until recently, was a state that most U.S. citizens lived in. However, marriage rates have dipped below 50 percent for the first time in modernity. More people choose to live together out of wedlock or stay engaged for years, gays and straights alike, meaning even legalizing same-sex marriage won’t plug this problem. So, I guess I’ve got a live-in girlfriend. That’s cool. Why buy the cow when I get the milk for free, right?

So what about kids? Accidents happen, so we have to account for the possibility of spawning Moss Jr. Kids these days are fatter and unhealthier than ever, with obesity and the related complications on a steep incline. Hell, “Little” Johnny’ll have a better chance of having a heart attack than a sexual encounter, that is if he can ever even find his penis amongst his ample rolls of what formerly was Cosmic Brownies and Mountain Dew.

But where are the Miss, Lil’ Tons o’ Fun, and I going to shack up? While trailers provide mobility for when the weather takes a frosty dump on Buffalo, I imagine I’ll be looking for a house. Probably a modest little home, maybe a fixer-upper that I can pour thousands of dollars and hours of work into. It is the biggest investment in my life after all, and house prices are lower than ever. Then a few years from now, when another global warming-induced storm brings that big pine tree in the yard into the living room, the insurance company can deny my claim as an “Act of God.” Man, I’ll really wish I had that Winnebago then!

Speaking of mobility, I’ll need to get to work, unless I take a job with ACN and work out of the home. I don’t imagine I’ll have much need for a big vehicle (although Johnny’s taking up more space by the day), so I’ll settle for a fine American sedan. But what’s this? My new sedan’s warranty just became moot with Chevy going belly-up as Toyota, Hyundai, and Honda choke them out of the domestic market like invasive zebra mussels in Lake Ontario. Great. Now parts are harder to come by, and repairs to the rusted-out brake lines and skipping transmission are coming out of my moth-infested wallet. Suh-weet!

Oh, right, and what about sweet Fluffy, the family cat? Well, seeing as Mary McWon’t-Wed has allergies and Johnny adores the neighbor’s kitten, I’ve had to spend my $4,000 bonus check on one of those new, genetically engineered non-allergenic cats. No wonder the house is falling apart with expenses like these! Damned good thing we live in a country like America where finer luxuries like sneeze-proof cats exist!

And how am I paying the bills anyway? Well, with only about 30 percent of Americans holding a college degree, I’ve got a bit of a leg up. Maybe with my classics and history degree I’ll get a decent job working in an office somewhere, drafting business proposals or laying out magazine pages. At least until an immigrant worker who they can pay less to do my job comes in, leaving me in line at the unemployment office.

So that leaves me as a dead-beat, unemployed dad, presumably with a drinking problem; my commitment-fearing lady-friend is threatening to leave me and take the cat, the car, and Junior with her; and the house is sinking further into the ground by the day. Yeah, my American Dream is as dead as the brain cells I’m killing in my nightly benders. But at least I’m still getting the milk for free.