“I’m Right. You’re Wrong.” is an advice column especially designed to help University at Buffalo students. So, if you have no one else to turn to (and I mean absolutely no one) drop off your question in our personals mailbox or email us at askgeneration@gmail.com. If you’re lucky, your question just might show up in the next issue.

Q: It’s my last year. I am very, very busy with thesis work, but I’m single and I can’t stop feeling lonely and thinking about my exes. Meeting someone new to date is pretty unlikely, especially since I’ll be leaving Buffalo soon. How can I deal with being alone and be happy?

AM: Just from how you phrased you question—how can you deal with loneliness rather than try to find a girlfriend—I can tell that you’re set in the right direction. It sounds like you have a lot to be happy about. Working on a thesis is a big deal. Be proud of what you’re doing. If your work becomes a passion rather than a hassle, you’ll feel better about being so occupied with it. When you finish your thesis, you will have done something not a lot of people can say they did. Doing something great is something to be happy about.

P: For Halloween, why not disguise your (assumedly) volcano-style face with a ridiculous hot dog costume and gallop on down to The Steer this Tuesday night. The girls are pudgy and retarded, but bumpin’. Plus, you’re probably busy enough with “smarts” as it is, you noble thesis-douche.

Q: My roommates have cats and I don’t like them in my room when I sleep, so I keep my door shut. The problem is, the heat doesn’t circulate into my room and it gets really cold. My roommates won’t do anything to keep the cats in their rooms. What should I do?

AM: First, you should check the vent in your room—it may be closed, and that’s why the hot air isn’t flowing in. If that doesn’t solve it, you need to talk to your roommates. They should respect you just as you respect that they want to keep cats as pets. Ask them to keep the cats in their rooms at night, or perhaps in the kitchen or living room (if there are doors to keep them in).

P: Begin to bathe less frequently, but when you do, make sure to use their towels. Attempt to develop a Staph infection of some sort—the kind that gives you huge pussing boils on your ass, which pass through contact. If that doesn’t send the desired message, perhaps a feline hot pocket will do the trick. Simply shave the cat and put it in a pillowcase. Take a slimy mashed-potato-style shit into said case, thus suffocating the cat. When your roommate goes to sleep that night, it’ll be just like that smelly thing you made your mom for her underwear drawer in kindergarten. Sort of.

Q: Last week, this guy elbowed me in the face, then asked me if I wanted to go to Michael Hall. Who is this man and do I have a chance?

AM: Michael Hall is actually a building on South Campus where the student medical center and some dormitories are located. For an emergency, you can call and see if they can see you that day, but if they can’t, you should go to an emergency room. Usually, you can get an appointment for the same day (if you call in the morning) or the following day.

P: You told it wrong, you idiot. Hey, it’s Halloween. I hear Michael Hall’s gonna show up at the party with a lampshade on his head. Or he might just be a glaring misdiagnosis. Or he might be a waiting room full of busted, HPV creeps.

Q: I’m not gay, but my roommate is. Do you think he would give me pleasure if I asked? Is that gay? (I’m a guy.)

AM: Well, if you asked the girl down the hall to give you pleasure, do you think she would? Just for your information, gay is not synonymous with easy. You must not really understand what it means. You are a man, and your roommate is a man. If you were to have a sexual relationship with him, you would both be gay or at least bisexual. My advice to you is to look up your stupid questions on the Internet before you bother me with your homophobic babble.

P: If you’re interested, you should probably ask him, and considering the frequency with which you seek an answer for this question, I’m pretty sure you’re the type of guy to sit home at night beating off to the smell of his roommate’s cologne. That’s not gay.