It’s that time of year again: election time. All the pretty politicians get primped and pressed like peacocks and petition for your patronage at the polls. And once again, Upstate New York is left with piss-poor choices for their state government.

For years now, Upstate New York (which I loosely define as the area slightly south of and entirely north of the so-called “Snowbelt” cities) has been offered no good candidates for election, and those who have won have done nothing to right the troubles of upstate.

During the last few years under Pataki, Upstaters saw marginal efforts made to improve their lives. The “Empire Zones” plan has not brought the economic prosperity it was promised to bring. Tax rates have gone up, housing growth rates are the lowest in the nation, and the entire Upstate region has been referred to at times as “Appalachia.”

And who called Upstate Appalachia? Eliot Spitzer, the man who would be (or rather, will be) governor. The same man who has done absolutely nothing for the upstate Appalachia. The same man who cares almost exclusively about his home, the Big Apple, where he gave the speech including that comment to a crowd of city Democrats. He recognizes there’s a problem, but offers nothing by the way of support or a strategy to help it.

At least his woefully behind opponent has been to Upstate for more than a drive-through. John Faso, the Republican counterpoint, is a graduate of SUNY Brockport. But his Upstate ties end there. He’s been a state assemblyman from the city region, and currently lives downstate. He also has promised support for Upstate agricultural efforts, more than Spitzer has said on the issue. However, with him trailing by 50 points in the polls and Spitzer so confident in his win he’s already begun selecting his cabinet members, supporting him seems a moot point.

Then you’ve got the Senate election, where reverse carpet-bagger Hillary Clinton tries to woo her way into another term in Washington. While I disagree with pretty much everything Hillary stands for (supporting moves made by the Bush administration, her bullshit uninformed attack on the video game industry, her complete disregard and lack of support for any of her upstate constituency, to name a few reasons), she’s a Democrat. And if the Democrats take the House, Senate, or both, that’ll light a fire under the ass of another of my most hated politicians, George “Walter” Bush.

So, what are Upstaters to do this election? As usual, no candidates are running any sort of plans to revitalize the dying region, and are instead more involved in advancing the interests of one of the most affluent cities in the civilized world at the expense of the Upstate tax dollars that are diverted there. It comes down to exactly the same election choices the kids of South Park faced: a turd sandwich, or a giant douche?

Screw that I say. None of the candidates get my support this year. Instead, I’m advocating that you do what they’ve tried to do in my home county on multiple occasions: secede from the money-sucking city.

Now I know this goes over like a lead balloon to all you Long Island and NYC types, but fuck you guys. Your city has gotten bigger and richer, while Upstate has gotten smaller and poorer. It’s about time Upstate voted to cut off the drain on it’s tax dollar and used that money to make life better for our home. Think of the possibilities! NYC and the region will flounder without our hard-earned tax dollars to support them, plus we’ll have our own Senators and Representatives, who will with any luck work for the interests of Johnny Upstate, who has suffered for all these years. And then, when NYC realizes it needs us, we’ll reunify like the Union and Confederacy after the Civil War, and work to create a fair and balanced system so we can all thrive. I mean, after all, secession worked for Vermont!

In conclusion, read our election breakdown, go to the polls or mail in your ballot, vote for one of the city-crats if you must, but remember what I said: a vote for secession is a vote for progression!