“I’m Right. You’re Wrong.” is an advice column especially designed to help University at Buffalo students. So, if you have no one else to turn to (and I mean absolutely no one) drop off your question in our personals mailbox or email us at askgeneration@gmail.com. If you’re lucky, your question just might show up in the next issue.

Q: What’s better…a P23, a Nintendo WE, or a girlfriend?

AM: I don’t know what any of these things are besides the girlfriend, so I’d say that’s your best bet.

P: Let’s see. You play them when you’re bored. For a while they’re exciting and a great project, but then you realize you can play anytime you want. You use cheat codes to get them naked. You can completely control the things that they do, so the thrill of the game is gone. Eventually you lose interest and find other things to do with your time. Either way, you just change the channel when you get bored. Hopefully by then you’ve made good on your investment. Video game cartridges are a lot less expensive than abortions.

Q: When I was a freshman and sophomore, I used to go out and party a lot with my friends. Now, in my senior year, I’ve been very busy, and I don’t have time to go out dancing and drinking, and I don’t even really want to. My friends all make fun of me and give me a hard time about it. What should I do?

AM: You shouldn’t do anything. If you’re happy living your life how you’re living your life, then that’s all there is to it. No one has the right to make you feel bad just because you don’t enjoy now what you were doing three years ago. In fact, you should be proud that you’ve become more responsible in your later years at the university. Your so-called friends have no reason to be giving you a hard time. If they’re really your friends, they should respect you and your decision to grow up and do something with your life instead of playing dress-up in some sleazy bar.

P: Yeah, I’m sorry that your friends want to hang out with you, although going out with a pathetic whining prick seems like a blast. Do you do the thing where you sit on the couch and wait for them to get home, so you can rub your self-righteousness in their faces? I hope you burn in hell, you little hamburglar twerp.

Q: I’m a freshman, and this is my first time living away from home. My mom has been calling me everyday, usually when I’m drunk. What can I do to get her to stop?

AM: I would be willing to bet a large amount of money that you haven’t called her once since you arrived in Buffalo, save to ask for money. If you call her every few days to tell her you love her and that everything’s okay, she won’t bother you so much. She cares about you and wants to know that you’re eating enough and that you’re doing well in your classes—and that you’re not just partying every night. Just call her and let her know you haven’t forgotten her.

P: I can never get your mom to stop. Anyway, I recommend you don’t answer the phone when it displays your mother’s phone number. As much as I’m sure your mother loves hearing about how you’re blowing her money on handles of vodka and giving gratuitous HJs in the Molly’s parking lot (for rent, btw), you could probably just call her the next morning. Maybe you should avoid drinking in the middle of the day—that’s when moms call, right? God, I hate you so much.

Q: I just found out that I’m lactose intolerant. I’m afraid I won’t be able to get enough calcium in my diet. All the women in my family have osteoporosis, and I’m afraid that I’ll develop it at age 30. What should I do?

AM: There are other kinds of milks you could drink, like soy milk or Lactaid to get your calcium. There are also calcium-enriched products like orange juice, breads, or cereals that you could purchase. Another alternative is canned fish, like tuna or anchovies. You could also try taking a lactase enzyme, the lack of which makes you lactose intolerant. This would allow you to consume more straight-up dairy. There are also calcium chews and supplements you could take. While all of these are good options, you should talk to you doctor to see what’s best for you.

P: Osteoporosis? Where I come from, we call that librarianitis. People need soy milk like they need Paxil or electric cars. If you’re a huge pussy who can’t stand a little tummy ache when she eats two pints of double chocolate chunk, cut down on the food you fat fuck! What’d you eat for lunch, a half-dozen hot dogs and a pint of Valvoline? You need some Aleve, because your heart is going to explode like a ziplock bag full of bile you doctor-humping douche.