Sucking dick is just like sucking a thumb. And just as thrilling.

To All The Baby Blue Groupies, Get on a fucking diet you fat ass stupid bitches and jump off L*** Balls. You’re not attractive.

Dear Boy at Goodyear who always wears the orange hat and the Bears zip-up hoody, I wamt to fuck you. I live on the 2nd floor. Come find me sexy.

BOXER, go get your eyebrows done. You fugly SLUT!!!!

Dear “Lumberjack”: I am very interested! Want to put your log in my wood chipper, and cover me with you syrup? -Sapsucker

To the homo who said no homo at the stroll. Shut the fuck you fucking homo. P.S. tell your burgandy and grey to fuck off.

To the football “player”who thinks social sciences isn’t good enough for him, why dont you donate some of your useless scholarship money instead of telling us how you spend it on clothes.

To the tiaras aka future smurfs...wait till you bitches fucking pledge.

To all the L*U groupies a.k.a. M*U and their future drunk slide offs, jump off their dick. You bitches aint shit and nobody respects you. Yours, a real Greek.

Dear Visions, thanks for all the “vasious” errors in your “magazine.” Really putting my student monies to good use. Signed, everyone at UB

Alright kiddies, same deal. Send us personals. I know, our cardboard drop box is allllll the way up on the third floor, but it’s worth the hike. See you all in three weeks for Fall Fiction.