“I’m Right. You’re Wrong.” is an advice column especially designed to help University at Buffalo students. So, if you have no one else to turn to (and I mean absolutely no one) drop off your question in our personals mailbox or email us at askgeneration@gmail.com. If you’re lucky, your question just might show up in the next issue.

Q: My skin has been really itchy lately, and just recently I noticed some rashes that kind of look like squiggly lines. My friends think it’s eczema, and they say I should go to the doctor to get an ointment. Can’t I just use Lubriderm or something?

AM: Eczema is usually an allergic reaction that causes flaky or scaly skin. What you describe could be scabies, which is another allergic reaction. However, this reaction is caused by tiny mites the burrow under the skin—this is what leaves the track-like rashes. These mites will lay eggs that will hatch within about three days. If the mites aren’t killed, more and more will develop and your itching will intensify. There is also a greater chance that you will spread them to other people through clothing, bedding, or furniture. The only way to kill the mites is to use a doctor-prescribed ointment. Stay away from your friends and go to the doctor.

P: You can just use Lubriderm or something. I’m not really in a position to tell you what disease you have, because I’m not a physician. Last week I had a spider bite on my knee that got so large that I couldn’t put on a pair of pants. It was like a rusty volcano, and all of my friends said I should go to the doctor, but I decided against it. I diagnosed it as “infected” and put a Buffalo Bills band-aid on it for three days. The swelling went down, and now I just have a scar which kind of resembles a botched tattoo. Band-aids baby, hide it.

Q: Why does it burn when I pee?

AM: You probably have a urinary tract infection. By the time you read this response, you’ll probably be bleeding from your urethra. If you haven’t experienced enough pain and blood to go to the doctor yet, I suggest going now. If it goes untreated, it could infect your kidneys or bladder.

P: Have you been eating a lot of rocks? I’ve heard that those are harder to urinate than regular things like applesauce. Maybe you should start peeing less—I’ve learned not to touch hot light bulbs as often because it hurts. When left with a problem like that, the best procedure is just to avoid and ignore. It’s not like your penis is gonna catch fire.

Q: Why is it that I can’t go into a store in Amherst to buy a quart of milk without having to pass a half mile of old people diapers, windshield washer fluid, kitty litter, big screen TVs, and Goober PB & J?

AM: Supermarkets strategically keep the dairy section at the far end of the store. They hope that on your way, you might buy one of those enticing items you see.

P: Amherst was just built yesterday, pretty much, and it’s modeled after every other American town. Huge developers saw an opportunity to come in and sell massive amounts of bottled water and iPods to college students with their parents’ money. The only thing more lucrative than that would be setting up a Weed-Mart in place of the T-shirt store in the student union. It was obvious that the same people who shop at stripmalls on Long Island would shop at stripmalls in Amherst. It’s fascinating that people make fun of Long Islanders, when their home has practically been recreated here.

Q: I came in today to check out my stress levels, but the Scientology center is missing. Where did it go?

AM: There are some rumors going around on campus concerning this issue. Some sources say they were kicked off after trying to convert the young, easily influenced members of an after-school sports camp. Others say they left with their tails between their legs after a university publication made fun of them. I even heard one guy say their coordinator went to jail after maliciously running over a neighbor’s dog. I guess the world will never know.

P: A Scientology center? That’s impossible. No college would be stupid enough to allow private organized religions to rent space from a private developer on campus. Especially not a campus where you can’t buy so much as a beer after your exams. I propose we all get blitzed and fuck around at Campus Ministries until we get the pizza beer place back.

Q: Where can I find some mescaline on campus?

AM: I think this question would be better handled by Peter.

P: Mescaline? I’m sure I don’t know what you mean. I can tell you that if a man wanted to get his lawn mowed he’d hop on over to 315 Student Union and ask for Joe. I’m sure Joe could hook him up with the finest rates, even let him try out the equipment. I think he’s getting a new mower sent in this weekend, he should check it.