A FANTASTIC BLOW JOB
Infiniti Hair Designer by Conair
9/10
by Elina Vaysbeyn
As far as blow dryers go, I haven’t exactly had the best of luck. It has seemed to me that each and every one I’ve owned had the purely malicious desire to ruin my most important hair days. I’ve had to deal with everything including a blow dryer that refuses to turn on, one that shoots threatening sparks of electricity at me, and even more astonishing, a heavy one that nearly gave me a concussion when it slipped out of my hand. Have you ever had nightmares about being chased by a giant angry blow dryer? Maybe not, but the reality is that sometimes you just have to find a good one.
I was given the Infiniti Hair Designer (Conair, $64.99) as a Christmas present by my mother, who has witnessed the long, winding (and sometimes painful) road that led me here. Infiniti has a very sleek look and is surprisingly light for such a heavy duty blow dryer, weighing in at just 2.7 lbs. Unlike the ancient blow dryers we are used to, Infiniti doesn’t have the 15-minute over-heating rule. It is multi-purpose and has a straightening attachment, which helps create “silky, shiny hair.” The attachment has three parts: a detangler, a straightener, and a frizz reducer. Your hair goes through each one of these parts as you slide the triple threat over a sectioned piece. The overall benefits of this are the ability to straighten and blow dry at the same time, and protect it from the damaging blades of an actual straightener. It also cuts the time in half! Conair’s website boasts of an ion emitter and more importantly, a tourmaline ceramic technology, which is used in some of the top hair styling devices on the market.
The other attachment Infiniti comes with is the concentrator nozzle, which allows you to focus on a small part of your hair without disturbing the rest of your ‘do. Of course, if you just need a regular blow dry, then you can always remove the concentrator and proceed with confidence. Both attachments can be rotated 360 degrees. Infiniti comes with a five-year warrantee and a useful “Instruction & Styling Guide.” If you don’t feel like reading the manual, there is also an included educational DVD with tips and tricks to use the Infiniti to its full potential. The intake vent can also be easily opened and cleaned, as opposed to those Stone Age dryers that just collected dust over the years and quit working. I’ve been using Infiniti all month and have not incurred any head injuries, nor have I been electrocuted. I think this is a good sign.
A MAGICAL THRILL RIDE
Pan’s Labyrinth (El Laberinto del Fauno)
10/10
by Tara Sullivan
In Pan’s Labyrinth, director Guillermo del Toro masterfully weaves a chilling tale of a young girl’s imagined sanctuary from the stark reality of fascist Spain. Images, both stunning and frightening, create a breathtaking backdrop to a fascinating story of love, loyalty, desperation and fear. The fantasy world subtlety parallels the crisis in Spain, while simultaneously surpassing any previous notions you may have had about fairy tales. Pan’s Labyrinth is a macabre wonderland that highlights both the flaws and graces of human nature.
The film opens with a “Once upon a time” tale of an underworld princess who had escaped her kingdom to experience life at the surface. Because she was not acclimated to the sun and wind, she dies, releasing her soul to another girl who will eventually find her way back to her family’s realm. This is the story in which the young heroine, Ofelia, played by Ivana Baquero, immerses herself when a “fairy” leads her to the labyrinth. There she meets Pan, a decrepit, ancient faun (or a place-spirit of untamed wilderness) who instructs Ofelia to finish three tasks so the princess’ soul inside her can re-enter its netherworld empire.
Ofelia must then muster all her courage to fulfill her quest. Her challenges are dangerous and disturbing. She witnesses a grotesque creature grab a fairy and devour it with gluttonous fervor. The creature’s pale, sagging skin could make even the most jaded horror fanatics shudder. Del Toro cites Francisco Goya’s famed yet dismal painting, Saturn Devouring His Son, as inspiration for the gruesome scene—actually, for the entire tone of the film.
Ofelia’s fantasy world is equally, if not more, horrific than the reality of fascist Spain. There are gratuitous torture scenes at the hands of the tyrannical Captain Vidal, played by Sergi Lopez, Ofelia’s reluctant stepfather. His heartless killings of innocent bystanders and those who disobey him display the most vile attributes a person can possess. It takes the tenacity of a young girl to bring down a tyrant who could not even be defeated by opposing military forces. Pan’s Labyrinth is a triumphant journey through a world never experienced before now. It is appalling, alarming, dreary, and shocking, yet del Toro manages to tie in a slight glimmer of hope. If this movie doesn’t get an Oscar nod there is something wrong with Hollywood. Go see it and prepare to be amazed, or at least thoroughly entertained.
HEADS ROLLED
Every Time I Die - 12/22 at the Buffalo Icon
10/10
by Stephen Boyd
Buffalo’s very own Every Time I Die defied expectation by holding their soon-to-be annual Christmas show at the Buffalo Icon instead of the larger and more comfortable Town Ballroom on December 22, 2006. Because of the lack of space available at the Icon, the popularity of the band prompted them to add another set earlier in the evening. Big surprise. Despite their growing edge-of-the-mainstream status, those dudes can still put on a metal show. The crowd from the first show at 5 p.m. had barely left when the room filled up again, this time with a slightly different crowd—a mix of members of failed local bands who wanted to experience success vicariously, and the younger crowd who didn’t make it to the first set who just found out that ETID was from Buffalo and thought that was “pretty neat.”
While chants of “Let’s go Buff-a-lo!” rippled through the crowd, it was easy to see that ETID hasn’t forgotten their roots. Watching their set was akin to eating a plateful of Duff’s wings, chugging seven Blue Lights, and then jumping up and down, screaming as Danny Briere rips a hole in the top of the net with a slap shot from the point.
They played a nicely-balanced mix of old and new material, and even brought up former bassist Aaron Ratajczak to look awkward while playing “Logic of Crocodiles” and “Emergency Broadcast Snydrome” from their first album Last Night in Town. The band’s progression through their newest album Gutter Phenomenon was clearly discernible as they played their newest songs, including “Apocalypse Now and Then,” “Champing at the Bit,” and, of course, the Guitar Hero II staple, “The New Black.” Other highlights included a particularly raucous rendition of “Pretty Dirty” and my personal favorite song of all time, “Floater,” complete with youngsters back-flipping off the stage. The lack of security was refreshing, and even if they’d been present to calm things down, I don’t think they would have done much good.
The final tap on this keg of awesomeness came in the closing moments of the show. As any true ETID fan will tell you, the band doesn’t play stuff off of their first EP Burial Plot Bidding War anymore. Why? They just don’t. Until now. Perhaps to allay such accusations, they closed with a triumphant rendition of the breakdown from “The Emperor’s New Clothes,” which used to rock basements on Custer Street, or so I hear. Sadly, I was never there to see that happen, but my dreams were finally realized as the entire room erupted into a sea of bodies screaming, “Heads will roll.” The ceiling may or may not have risen a few inches.
WILL YOU SIGN MY MUGSHOT?
Armed and Famous
4/10
by Melanie Bailey
Do you ever secretly dream of having Erik Estrada spread your arms and legs and give you a thorough pat-down? Then, your fantasy is shattered as La Toya Jackson cuffs you and leaves you immobile. Now if you break a law in the small town of Muncie, Indiana, your dreams could come true.
As of December 2006, druggies, thugs, and other riff-raff from the streets of Muncie can thank CBS for adding some stardust to their police force in the form of washed up celebrity officers. Armed and Famous is a new reality series added to the network’s Wednesday night lineup which airs at 8 p.m. Erik Estrada, La Toya Jackson, Jack Osbourne, Trish Stratus, and Jason “Weeman” Acuña train to become police officers for the town. Their job comes complete with a badge and tight black uniform, as the cast hits the streets to fight crime, B-list style.
In the first episode, Estrada takes down a flirtatious 60-year old crack dealer in a drug bust, who kept referring to him as “Ponch” from CHIPs. You couldn’t really grasp the end of her dialogue though, unless you could interpret slurred words through missing teeth. Later on in the show, the police officers offered to shoot the new celeb recruits with TASER guns. While Estrada took the lowest level of volts and cried like a baby, Trish chose to take the actual TASER probe like a real fugitive and never flinched—until she collapsed.
In the second episode, LaToya challenged her brother’s high pitched vocals when she ran, screaming, out of a house after taking a car robbery call, due to fear of the owners’ cat. I was waiting for her nose to fly off in the middle of the escapade. “Weeman” held his own during his chase after a rather large female shoplifter, who just kept yelling back to him, “I didn’t do nothin’!” He didn’t even check her coat and she was arrested. Now that’s power.
Armed and Famous proves that anyone, big or small, old or young, washed-up or quasi-famous, can attain their dreams of becoming an officer of the law. When you watch “Weeman” taking down a suspect, or Jack Osbourne flexing his muscles while handling a big, shiny gun, sympathy wells up inside as you recognize that those dreams are flying higher than their careers.
It might not be high-class drama, but if you’re flipping between American Idol and My Super Sweet Sixteen, and you’re bored during commercials, check out Armed and Famous.
COME AND PLAY WITH Mii
Nintendo Wii
9/10
by Ryan “Moss” Yaeger
In the battle of the gaming console giants this past holiday season, the Wii has reigned supreme. With the lowest sticker price, the Wii has flown off the shelves, smashing expectations like so many televisions and windows have been by accidents with it’s innovative, yet potentially dangerous, controllers. This has left Sony’s PlayStation 3 in the dust, quite literally, with many reports of stores unable to keep Wii’s in stock while neglected PlayStations take up space on the shelves.
The Nintendo Wii comes with the most innovative controller system currently on the market. While all of the major systems have adopted the wireless control system, only Nintendo has developed such an intricate and downright intuitive control scheme. The Wii Remote, or Wiimote as it has been more commonly dubbed, features only six buttons and a directional pad, but makes up for it by being a motion-sensitive controller. This means when you hold it to play a given game, you treat the controller as you would whatever you are controlling.
In Excite Truck, for example, you hold the Wiimote sideways, treating it as a steering wheel, while in the prepackaged Wii Sports, it serves as your bat, golf club, or tennis racket. The player’s motions are picked up by the sensor bar, a slick piece of technology placed on top of, or directly below, your television, and then translated into actual in game movements with surprising accuracy.
The Wiimote also has an expansion port for the additional nunchuck controller to be plugged in. This simple add-on, sporting two buttons and a joystick, increases a player’s level of control, and is used primarily in first-person games. For such games, like Call of Duty 3, you hold the Wiimote in one hand, moving it to look and fire your weapon with the underside trigger, while utilizing the nunchuck to move your character around your environment with the joystick, as well manipulating the “gesture-based controls,” such as flicking your wrist to the right to change weapons or in an upward motion to reload.
One major downfall of the Wiimote is poorly chosen button placement. The Wiimote’s buttons are spaced widely and oddly labeled, which can prove frustrating if you need to find them in a hurry. The number of times that Nazi grenades took me out in CoD3 could be as high as the hundreds. I just couldn’t manipulate my hand to the button controls to throw it back fast enough. The bottom-line is that the Wiimote seems to have been designed to be more aesthetically pleasing than functional.
The Wii also offers a variety of auxiliary features in its system of “channels.” The Weather Channel allows you to get constant updates from the major metropolitan area of your choosing while the yet-to-be launched News Channel, expected to be activated within the next few weeks, promises to deliver the latest headlines to your television for all your information needs.
There is also the Wii Shop Channel, which allows users to download Wii-Ware, such as the currently free public beta of the Opera-based web browser. Users can surf the web from the comfort of their couches, which is especially useful when you just can’t beat that one level and need to search the Internet for advice. As expected, typing with a simulated on-screen keyboard can be as tedious as hunting and pecking on an actual qwerty equivalent, but the immediate accessibility is the major advantage.
The Shop Channel also allows users to trade in Wii-Points for game titles on the virtual console. Wii-Points can be bought in $20 (2,000 point) increments at stores, or in various amounts with a valid credit card from the console itself. The virtual console’s ever-growing library includes games from Nintendo’s NES, Super NES, and N64, Sega’s Genesis, and the TurboGrafx-16, ranging in price from 500 to 1,200 points. This allows older gamers to go back to relive the glory days of yore, while at the same time exposing a new generation to the classics that laid the foundation of gaming today.
The Wii also has the cutely named Mii Channel, where players create characters that vaguely resemble themselves for use in Wii Sports, as well as the upcoming Wii Play and Wii Music titles. Player-created characters can also be permitted to wander the internet to other friends’ consoles that you have added to your contact list. They then show up on those consoles through the “Mii Parade,” and can be downloaded to that console for inclusion in the aforementioned games. Up to ten of these Miis can be saved to an individual Wiimote, allowing you to simply bring your custom characters along for game play on a friend’s console.
As for memory and data storage, the Wii utilizes SD cards, the same as those used in many modern digital cameras and some MP3 players, instead of the more traditional memory cards. It also sports a small on-board hard drive to store save files, downloaded games, and Wii-Ware. Furthermore, the Wii is also fully compatible with GameCube games. It features four ‘Cube controller ports and two memory card slots under flip-up panels along the topside of the device.
The Nintendo Wii, while not the most powerful, or the most expensive, entry in this console war, has proven thus far to be the most popular and most fun. As we turn the corner into 2007, it remains to be seen whether or not this trend will continue. In the meantime, if you’re still waiting to decide which gaming system is right for you, you’re welcome to look me up and come play with my Wii. Lame pun intended.
THERE’S NO TIME
24-Season 6
10/10
by Daniele Hauptman
Last week, the man whose name is longer than the junk on Boogie Nights, Kiefer William Frederick Dempsey George Rufus Sutherland, made his signature humble-yet-badass return as Jack Bauer on the series that viewers everywhere are obsessed with—24. For some, 24 is a way of life. The Counter Terrorist Unit dominates their Monday nights for months on end, and the insane events cause otherwise normal people to throw common sense aside and yell at the TV screen.
For many, even some longtime viewers, 24 is confusing—who is that guy, and why did he just blow himself up by setting off a truck full of ammunition? However, you really don’t need to know what happened in previous seasons to enjoy season six of 24. All of your questions can be answered with gunshots, scandals, and huge explosions.
24 deals with the hot topics of terrorism, counter terrorism, and international politics—issues that hit very close to home these days. Instead of skirting these topics, 24 forces viewers to think about the possibilities by delivering complex, but entirely plausible scenarios involving suicide bombers and government corruption. Each episode covers the events that take place within one hour, and each season spans a 24-hour day. I assume the characters eat and go to the bathroom during the commercial breaks.
Much of the action takes place in the CTU: conference calls with the White House, interrogation of suspects (often involving torture), and tracking car chases via satellite are all the norm. Often, trusted characters are revealed as moles, and suspicious ones end up proving their valor. Most of the confusion on the show is caused by plot twists that change everything. While surprises are expected, the turns themselves are shocking. For example, last season, the President of the U.S. was actually behind the assassination of Former President David Palmer, and instigated the majority of the terrorist attacks that occurred during the day. Aside from all the explosions, it’s developments like these that make the show worth watching.
People watch 24 for the same reason they watch James Bond movies: because they think Bond is awesome. Well, Jack Bauer could definitely kick James Bond’s ass. I’ll elaborate. Jack, the show’s main character, is the former Director of Field Operations as well as the former Special Agent in Charge of CTU in Los Angeles. He does everything and anything in the name of justice and patriotism. At one point he infiltrated an international drug ring and did heroin to convince the drug lords of his honesty. Yes, Jack Bauer became a smack addict for his country. His loyalty knows no bounds, and he repeatedly puts his own life on the line. This season he was willing to die for the chance to save the U.S. from further terrorist attacks. Working in counter terrorism, he is often faced with situations that not only jeopardize his own life, but also endanger the lives of those nearest to his heart. His own wife was killed while he was trying to save their daughter from terrorists. Jack’s courage and skills make him a character I can admire; his loyalty makes him someone I can relate to.
If you missed the first episodes, or if you have never watched 24, let me recap a little. At the end of last season, we saw Jack getting kidnapped and taken to a Chinese prison. In the season six premiere, the U.S. Government bails him out in order to give him to Abu Fayed (Adoni Maropis: Troy and Scorpion King) in exchange for the location of terrorist leader Hamri Al-Assad (Alexander Siddig: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine). After the exchange, Fayed tortures Jack to get revenge for his brother’s death. During this torture, Fayed reveals that Assad actually came to America to try to prevent further terrorist attacks. Fayed is the real terrorist leader, and tells Jack he will die for nothing.
Come on, Fayed. Don’t you know Jack? Prison may have softened him a bit, but he is just as crafty as ever. Fayed receives an important call from Ahmed (Kal Penn: Harold and Kumar), whose father was arrested by the FBI as a suspected terrorist. While Fayed is out of the room, seemingly feeble Jack manages to detach himself from the heart rate monitor, beckoning the lone guard. While the guard is bending down, Jack lunges at his neck and ferociously bites him, spitting out the dead guard’s blood and flesh. Disgusting, but wonderful, especially for a guy who once played a vampire. Jack makes his escape and disobediently saves Assad seconds before his building is blown to bits by order of the new President Wayne Palmer (D.B. Woodside), the brother of assassinated Former President David Palmer. At the end of the four-hour season premiere, Jack has been forced to shoot his friend and colleague Curtis (Roger Cross, World Trade Center). Minutes later, the premiere ended with the explosion of a nuclear bomb. Hey, it’s 24. Anything can happen.
Why should you turn your TV to Fox on Mondays at 9 p.m.? Mary Lynn Rajskub says you should watch because her character, loveable TASER-toting computer geek Chloe O’Brian, has to rip off her dress to reveal a bikini, which somehow helps fight the terrorist threat. Of course, she is joking. The show is ultimately one of the most engrossing series on network TV, and is complex enough to hold your attention for the long term. If you’re turned off by the show because you think you have to watch every single episode to know what’s going on, don’t worry. True, something insane happens in each hour, but Fox’s website has extremely detailed recaps. Once you start watching, the main problem won’t be confusion—it will be addiction. In the words of Carlos Bernard, the actor who played the deceased CTU agent Tony Almeida, “It’s like crack.”
NOT EVERYONE CAN BE THIS FABULOUS
I Love New York
10/10
by Ann Marie Olivo
After losing two seasons of Flavor of Love, Tiffany Pollard, better known as New York, was asked to be the star of her own “Celebreality” show on VH1, I Love New York. Its premiere episode, which aired on January 8, 2007, was the most-watched premiere in VH1’s history. You may have thought that Hoopz and Deelishis were the winners of Flav’s heart, but the real winner is definitely Utica-born New York.
With the help of Mark Cronin, Flavor Flav created the show in order to help New York find true love after having her heart broken, not once, but twice on national television. He built a fabulous mansion for the HBIC (head bitch in charge, for those of you who aren’t down with the lingo), invited her fabulous mother, Sister Michelle Patterson, to help New York choose the perfect man, and filled the house with 20 fabulous bachelors all fighting to win the love of fabulous New York. Each week, she puts the guys through different tasks while trying to get to know them in order to find her true love. While some of these men are major hotties with bodies to boot, some of them are total freaks.
One memorable character is Romance (all the suitors were given pet names by New York, just like on Flavor of Love). On the first day he met New York, he brought her a picture of his dead dog, Princess, in a frame. He went on to tell her that now that his dog was dead, he would treat New York like his new princess. On the next episode, New York introduced him to her puppy. From there, Romance spent the next five hours crying with the dog in his arms and giving it puppy kisses. Creepy. Needless to say, New York kicked him out of her house and told him, “You need Prozac, and you know I’m tellin’ the truth!”
Another silly fool is Rico. On his first night in the house, he told New York that he wanted to give her a special nickname—negrita. For those of you like New York who don’t speak Spanish, that means “little black girl.” When New York learned the translation, she was beyond pissed. But, by some milagro, Rico hasn’t been kicked off yet, and he is working his way back onto New York’s list of “real” guys.
The weirdest part of the show is New York’s special interest in one of the contestants, Whiteboy. His name pretty much says it all, but this guy is one of the creepiest white boys on the show. Yeah, Mr. Boston is a waspy nerd and Token was a prude, but something about this guy is just not right. I haven’t put my finger on it, but come on, New York! With other fine men in the house like Real and Onix, what are you doing hanging around with that dweeb?
If you liked Flavor of Love, you’ll love I Love New York. This hour-long show is filled with… well… New York! They really don’t come more fabulous than the HBIC. Set some time aside on Monday nights at 9 p.m. and show your love for New York.
STRAIGHT SHOW FOR THE QUEER BAND
The Queers, Buffalo Icon
7/10
by Andrew Blake
If punks are good at one thing (and let’s face it, they aren’t really good at much at all), it’s sticking to it. Joe King formed The Queers twenty five years ago, and even though his band has faced lineup changes, accumulating a roster of over two dozens musicians since then, he still plays songs as badass as he did when he was a kid in New Hampshire. The Queers played the Icon in Buffalo on Saturday night, and fans new and old came out to see one of the most recognized bands in the genre.
I like The Queers because they capture the catchy nature of a Ramones song, but they speed it up and lose the lame leather jackets. You would think that after all these years of playing the same three-chord songs Joe Queer would be tired of it, or at least bitter, and though he very well might be (I couldn’t tell), he is still doing it. You have to admire a guy who still puts out records and tours the world making the kind of music a monkey, trained or untrained, could do, especially after all of these years. Regardless of how simple the music of The Queers is, it is indeed quite fetching, and that’s what matters.
The Queers played song after song, often jumping from one right to another, connecting them with nothing more than the drummer counting off four beats on his snare drum, and other times combining snippets of one song with another. Obviously this led to playing more songs than I would have figured a punk band would play for a bunch of screaming fat girls with bad haircuts and Dead Kennedys patches.
On the topic of bad haircuts, this band called The Heart Attacks played. They were surprisingly good. Straight-forward rock and roll, I totally dug it, but everyone in the band must have spent a good hour before the show making their hair look absolutely retarded. It was as though their scalps were infused with the asses of gazelles. Ridiculous. I have no right to make fun of someone’s hair, as I’ve been balding since adolescence, but I could not do any justice to the show without including at least some mention of it.
From a performance standpoint, bad haircuts aside, the show was a lot of fun. The Queers played very tight, but their set was rather mundane. While they did manage to squeeze in a ton of songs, it was almost always one right after another, leaving no room for introductions of even the smallest of witty banter. But in the end, it’s the music that matters, right? Up the punx.
