“I’m Right. You’re Wrong.” is an advice column especially designed to help University at Buffalo students. So, if you have no one else to turn to (and I mean absolutely no one) drop off your question in our personals mailbox or email us at askgeneration@gmail.com. If you’re lucky, your question just might show up in the next issue.

Q: My girlfriend loves to get oral, but I feel like I could use some tips. Got anything for me?

TJ: Most importantly, ask her what she likes. If you don’t communicate she won’t get what she needs. After you’ve learned what your lady desires, take a deep breath and go for it. I’m sure she won’t be disappointed.

C: I’ll field this one. You’ve come to the right place, man or lady. Going down on a chick is like dining at a fine restaurant—there’s incomprehensible etiquette, the lighting is bad, and getting the check takes forever. But that gourmet meal can make up for all that.

Your problem is confidence—namely the fact you have none—so you’re probably not being terribly aggressive when rolling up to the pink taco stand. The trick is to overcome your inhibitions and just go all out.

Use your teeth. A lot. Girls love the intensity that only a pair of molars grinding away at the ol’ vertical smile can bring. And don’t forget to make sure she’s still nice and dry before you start up…that’s what makes the nerve endings extra sensitive. Keep a can of compressed air on the nightstand; if she gets too slippery, a few blasts will dry her right out. Ignore her if she protests, women have no idea what they really want.

Q: I have a really shitty fake ID and all of my friends have great ones. Every time we go out I either get denied, or the bouncer gives me a look that makes me feel like an asshole. What should I do?

TJ: If you want to stay out of trouble, you shouldn’t be trying to get in to bars with a fake. But if you really need to go out with friends, check out venues that are 18 and over. If you need to get drunk, bring a flask.

C: I recommend you stop being so lame. “Ohmygawd! This business card covered in crayon shards got turned down! How will I get into the clerb?!?!”

Here’s an idea: don’t go out. You underage folks can turn a perfectly decent drinking establishment into a night at the circus in about 30 seconds flat. Plus, high school principals give you really funny looks when you drop off their students Friday morning.

Q: My girlfriend is constantly calling me to talk about anything and everything for hours on end. My ears are going to start bleeding. I love her but I can’t take it anymore!

TJ: This can be tricky, especially if you’re in a long distance relationship. You can always make excuses, but that will only get you so far. Try some phone sex, then at least you’ll be enjoying the time you spend on the phone with her.

C: All men face this problem at one time or another. Somewhere deep within the recesses of the female mind lies a cluster of nerves that writhe in excitement every time a “Drop It Like It’s Hot” ringtone breaks an otherwise peaceful silence.

There’s no way to win this battle and come out ahead, I’m afraid. Try building a time machine to return to the era before Alexander Graham Bell’s black box triggered the world’s exponentially growing obsession with communication. Traversing the rifts of time will be easier than reasoning it out with her.

Q: My little brother (he’s 17) asked me to buy beer for him and his friends, so I did, but my parents found out and are furious at me. What’s the big deal? I drank all the time at his age.

TJ: I’m sure your parents were just worried what could have happened to him. They probably immediately thought of the worst consequences from drinking and over reacted. Sit them down and explain to them that he will be exposed to binge drinking at college and that a little exposure might help him make better decisions in the future.

P: My older brother asks me to buy beer for him. He was pulled over and lost his license, so he started carrying around his passport everywhere. Then he sold it to a bum for a bag of what he thought was coke and later turned out to be grass in a paper bag—literally, blades of grass. I can’t wait until I’m his age.

Q: I’m having a hard time getting back into the swing of things. What are some good study tips?

TJ: Organization is key. Get a planner or a calendar to chart out what needs to be done this semester. Try to look over your reading assignments nightly, instead of spending your weekend buried in them. Don’t stress yourself out, but don’t hit the bars nightly either.

S: Study? What be this?