Ryan “Moss” Yaeger: The debate over immigration has been persistently and hotly contested. But what is there to debate about really? Our country is loaded chock-full of illegal immigrants, who are working jobs without paying taxes and sneaking over our borders by the thousands. They’re breaking the law, and they should be persecuted for doing so.

Charles Wiff: I agree with you, to a certain extent. Those who are looking to stem the tide of illegal immigrants are far too late. It is estimated there are around 12 million illegal immigrants living in the U.S. now. They make up one out of every twenty workers.

So yes, they are breaking the law. But too many of our leaders continue to treat this problem as a security issue, rather than the social matter it has clearly become. Every time the topic of the border fence comes up on CNN I nearly die of laughter. Viewing this as a containment issue is like closing the barn door after the horses have escaped. Or, in this case, have made themselves comfortable and are refusing to leave.

M: Yeah, you’re right, it is a social matter. That matter being the fact criminals are living among us! And so, in an effort to stop that, we’re building a fence. Sure, it’s not the ideal solution, but at the very least it’ll close the floodgates and hopefully take the tidal wave influx of illegals down to more of a raging river.

But, maybe it actually is a social problem, not a security one. Good thing the immigration department announced, at the end of last month, a plan to raise the cost of citizenship applications by $265, combined with an overall average fee increase of 66 percent. This price surge is meant to pay for streamlining our outdated processes, bringing immigrants in legally and rapidly, one of the major complaints of those few immigrants who actually do follow the laws.

C: Your argument reeks of moonshine whiskey and rusted pickup trucks. “Jumpin’ hootenanny and a crawdad! The enemies of Democracy are all around us! Mabel-Sue, git me my gun!”

First off, this fence that everyone is so excited about is going to cost an unholy amount of money. There’s no official estimate, but in a 2006 bill proposing the construction of just 700 miles of fence across our 1,952-mile border, the cost was quoted at about $2.2 billion, possibly much more.

Like most things we love to throw money at, the approach won’t work. A similar style of fence in border-porous San Diego was routinely violated by immigrants and drug runners, including the much-publicized 2,000 foot long pot tunnel found about a year ago.

Being an effective border patrol agent must be insanely difficult. If we wanted totally secure borders, we should have been a little more careful when picking out a place to set up camp. The solution is most certainly not raising the fee of entry—this is not an amusement park, and we do not price gouge those who wish to ride our fabulous attractions.

M: We’re not price gouging, but didn’t you know that freedom isn’t free? It’s worth at least a buck-o-five. And why should taxpayers like you and I be forced to pay for updating these procedures? Our tax dollars—that is, those that escape the Iraq-War-deficit black hole—should be used to make American lives better. We pay in taxes to get our Medicare and Medicaid, free public education, Social Security, and equal treatment under the law. Why shouldn’t we force them to “pay it forward” for the services that they want updated?

C: You, my good friend, and many like you, are simply dogs guarding your food dishes against invisible threats. You’ve been bitching about losing your jobs for years, yet now that there are more illegals than ever in the country, we’re experiencing an economic revival. The explanation is that illegal immigrants are a voiceless, faceless group to pin your problems on. The fact Pedro and his family ran across the border last night didn’t cause you to lose your job at the steel mill, and it didn’t threaten Medicare. Poor financial management did those things. The only way we can even begin sorting this thing out is through at least a limited amnesty program.

M: You’ve got to be shitting me. Amnesty? These people have already broken the law, and continue to do so. If they can’t even follow the laws to enter the country, why should we trust them to do so as citizens? I mean, c’mon, if I went and gave your girlfriend a Dirty Sanchez then expected you to trust me as your friend, would that be legitimate? No sir, it would not.

And yes, they’ve been here for years and working illegally at under-the-table jobs. So, if they follow procedure and pay the raised application fee, it would in some small way make up for their years of tax evasion, and maybe show their legitimate interest in being naturalized.

C: If we don’t give them amnesty, what the hell are you going to do about it? Politely ask all illegal immigrants to report to the nearest DMV for deportation? Have the National Guard start breaking down all the doors in Arizona? With amnesty, at least we’ll be able to start crunching some realistic numbers instead of guesstimating everything.

M: Well, no, I can’t just click my heels three times and hope that the Mexicans aren’t in Kansas anymore. I mean, now that they’ve raised minimum wage, I’m sure even more employers will be looking for under-the-table employees to hire. All we can do is try to stem the problem as best we can at the source, the border, and persecute scrupulous employers and captured illegals to the fullest extent of the law. As they say, don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time.

C: Are we going to wrap this up anytime soon? I’ve got to get home and smuggle one across the border.

M: And that’s how we solved immigration!