I spoke to a messenger from heaven. It was some kind of angel, I guess, with wings and all that. It looked like a woman, but I couldn’t be sure it wasn’t just a really pretty dude. I guess it was male, probably, because he said his name was Dalen, and that sounds like a dude’s name, right? Anyway, he spoke to me.”
“And what did he say?”
“He said a lot. At first it was kinda cool, you know, like I was being blessed or something. But after, like, 20 minutes, I started getting bored. I mean the guy wouldn’t shut up. Most of it sounded like stuff from the Bible, you know, psalms and shit. But he kept pausing and looking at me funny. And every time I said ‘What?’ you know, to find out why he was looking at me like that, he just shook his head and kept talking.”
“How did he look at you?”
“I dunno, man, like he was amazed or something. Or like he didn’t think I was listening.”
“But you weren’t.”
“That’s not the fucking point, man. Anyway, after like an hour, the angel or whatever was really starting to piss me off. So I finally said, ‘Dude, what do you want?’ And he smiled and he said he was sent here because I am supposed to do something great.”
“What are you supposed to do?”
“Hell if I know. I asked him what that was and he was like ‘When the time comes,’ and all that Star Wars Jedi shit, you know? So I was like ‘Well then why the fuck are you here now and not when it’s the right fucking time?’ and he said it was because I needed to be prepared.”
“Has this type of thing ever happened to you before?”
“No man. For real, I think he was just really bored.”
“A bored angel?”
“Yeah, dig it, right? There are millions of angels in heaven, yeah? And how many of them got into the Bible? How many of them actually make a difference? So I bet he was in heaven and just bored as shit. I mean, you never hear about these things unless it’s from crazy people, so maybe he just thought ‘Screw it.’ and decided to talk to me.”
“Why did he choose you?”
“Hey, why not me, man? I got nothing to do all day. I guess he thought I’d be bored enough to give a crap about him. And I would’ve given him a chance too, if he hadn’t been so damn preachy.”
“Do you remember what he told you? Anything in particular?”
“He said some of my family members said “Hi.” I told him to tell them “Hi,” too. Also, he said that humanity was doomed but I was, like, ‘Dude, I know that already.’ Kinda stupid. I think he got mad that I didn’t care more.”
“Did he leave then?”
“Fuck no, man. He didn’t leave until like four this morning and by then I was too weirded out to sleep and then wake up is at 5:30, so I missed a whole night of sleep for that asshole angel.”
“Was there anything he told you that was something you didn’t know originally?”
“Yeah man, belly buttons.”
“Excuse me?”
“Belly buttons. That’s what he said you needed to get into heaven.”
“You need a belly button… to get into heaven?”
“Yeah.”
“Did he bring this up out of no where or did you initiate the discussion?”
“What the fuck do you think? He kept bringing shit up like he wanted me to be really interested in it and when I wasn’t he kind of got pissed, so he was like, ‘Don’t you have any questions? I’m from heaven, you know.’ And I was like, ‘Dude, I don’t care where you’re from as long as you go back there soon.’ And I laughed because that was a really clever line for me to come up with on the spot and he didn’t even care. So he said, ‘Well, don’t you want to know how to get into heaven?’ and I was like, ‘Do I have to accept Jesus as my savior because I really don’t give a shit about a guy who died 2,000 years ago and did nothing to keep me out of the clink.’ And he looked at me again in that funny way and was like, ‘All you need is a bellybutton.’”
“Well, I think that’s all the time we have. Same time tomorrow?”
———
“Hey.”
“Aww, damn it. What the fuck do you want?”
“I was listening. Why didn’t you tell them everything I told you?”
“Man, they don’t care. And besides, the less questions, the better. But seriously, what the hell is up with that belly button crap?”
“When the time comes, you’ll know.”
“Fuck.”
