1. What is your ideal destination for a date?

A. A dinner at a gourmet restaurant followed by a movie at Dipson on Main

B. Who wants to go out, when you can go in?

C. A dead end

D. My couch

E. Wegman’s

2. What gift would you give to your Valentine?

A. A batch of homemade cookies, no boxed crap

B. A pack of cigarettes

C. Venison jerky

D. Oral Herpes

E. A hug

3. Where does your musical taste lie?

A. Indie, but not the pretentious kind

B. Anything with songs that last more than ten minutes

C. Save a horse, ride a cowboy

D. I just lie period

E. Lots and lots of screaming

4. Where did you wake up this morning?

A. My bed,obvi.

B. I built my own car from a cardboard box and some rope I found lying around

C. The cab of my truck

D. Surrounded by cats holding a toaster oven in a bathtub

E. Under a full moon

5. Last dish you cooked?

A. Shrimp dumplings

B. Kool-Aid

C. Venison

D. My specialty—weed potato

E. Chicken soup. For the soul

6. What would you want to receive on Valentine’s Day?

A. A bottle of great wine and mix-tape made with love

B. A finished features story and a blut

C. I made it to the second date?

D. a contraceptive you don’t buy the day after

E. Some good beer

7. How are your Saturdays looking?

A. Grim

B. I’m weeping right now. Can you see me weeping?

C. Bad

D. Florescent lights

E. When does that one come?

8. What is your preferred method of birth control?

A. I take every precaution because safe sex is good sex.

B. Drink heavily and pray

C. What’s that?

D. Anal

E. Whatever my lady wants

9. Complete this sentence: “You are the…”

A. “…best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

B. “…person that mops up the cum? I have to go.”

C. “…most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. Sleep with me.”

D. “…best option right now.”

E. “…coolest.”

10. What appeals to you most in the opposite sex?

A. Interesting, smart, and fun. Tattoos don’t hurt either

B. Beer Pong skills

C. Dancing without clothing for money

D. Nicely-shaped garbage/money

E. Someone who has the similar interests so they don’t think you’re completely crazy

11. What do you say after a date?

A. “Thank you, that was wonderful.”

B. “Umm…ok, see ya.”

C. “I have to go hunting in three hours, I have to go.”

D. “It’s okay, you can come inside me.”

E. “I love you too, mom.”

If you answered mostly “A”s...

Tara-Jeanne Sullivan

Status: Taken

Position: Senior Editor, and you’ll never know

Fetish: Tall men

Favorite Superhero: The Cheerleader

If you answered mostly “B”s...

Charles Wiff

Status: BRB

Position: Reverse Piledriver

Fetish: Laying in other people’s snow angels

Favorite Superhero: Darkwing Duck

If you answered mostly “C”s...

Jason Tracy

Status: Desperate

Position: Far Right

Fetish: Using birth control

Favorite Superhero: John Wayne

If you answered mostly “D”s...

Peter Scheck

Status: Engage!

Position: Depressed

Fetish: Beating off in the sink

Favorite Superhero: Fievel J. Mouse

If you answered mostly “E”s...

Stephen Boyd

Status: En route

Position: Where do you want me?

Fetish: Classical music

Favorite Superhero: Jesus