To whom it may concern:
My name Ty Jacobson, and I recently ordered a mail order bride through your company. I’m not quite sure what her actual name is since the packet I received said only to call her “Mrs. Tyler” (Tyler is my full first name), but I’m sure she is of Haitian descent (once again, via the packet). The reason I am writing is because I’ve been having some, well, severe problems with her. You see, I received her about a week ago, and she seemed in poor health, and I thought it sort of normal since Haiti isn’t exactly a thriving economic power, to put it mildly. However she hasn’t eaten anything this week, she refuses to talk, and she randomly leaves at times, which is probably my biggest problem. I mean, a woman who doesn’t talk and doesn’t gain any weight sounds like a dream, but I feel like something is going on, and frankly, I don’t like the thought of my new honey bunny running around the town by herself. I live in a rough part of Washington, DC and it’s just not safe for a woman out there alone. She’s new to this country, and I worry about her. She is the love of my life (at least, she’d better be for the price you guys charged). Is there any way I can get this woman under control?
Sincerely,
Ty Jacobson
P.S. She bit a neighbor boy the other day. Should I be concerned?
Mr. Jacobson,
On behalf of the ZMB Corporation I sincerely apologize that your wife has been “running around the town.” For the most part our women are well behaved, but there are a few which have to be “put in their place,” so to speak. I have enclosed a video of various slapping techniques, which should do the trick. She’s your property now, so feel free to do as you see fit to keep her in line. Also, I’m fairly sure that biting is customary in Haiti, but once again, the slap techniques should help you curb this behavior. As for her fasting, it may be a result of “travel shock.” In many cases, the trip to America, as well as the culture shock, can suppress the appetite of our stock. Just try to ease her onto food slowly. Perhaps research some Haitian dishes to cook for her. Might I suggest picklese, or chictai? Thank you for your patronage, we here at ZMB thank you for your continued business and should you ever need help again, or are ever in need of another wife, please feel free to contact us at any time.
Sincerely,
Ralph Screlnik, V.P. Customer Relaions, ZMB Inc.
Ty,
What the fuck did your crazy monster wife do to Goose? First of all, Gabby didn’t tell me about the biting incident until just a little while ago. Second of all, what is wrong with that wife of yours? If she’s running around biting people, just slap her. And honestly, you might want to talk to a doctor. She doesn’t look healthy, and I think Goose might have whatever she’s got. I swear Jacobson, if something is wrong with my son, you’ll be hearing from our lawyer.
Seth
Dear WebMD,
My name is Tyler Jacobson, and I am writing this email because I do not have insurance and still need medical advice. I fear my wife is very ill and I do not know what to do. She is originally from Haiti, and I’m wondering if she may have gotten some horrible disease before she moved to our country. Her skin is drying and cracking very badly, almost turning green. She doesn’t talk, she just makes loud groans. Other than that I don’t think there are any other problems. Our sex life is great. We use quite a bit of lube, but what couple doesn’t? She has me worried, web doc. Is there anything I can do? Oh, and she attacked a homeless man last week and ate some of his brains…not sure what to make of that. Please get back to me as soon as possible, for I fear for my wife’s health.
Sincerely,
Ty.
Mr. Jacobson,
I must say, from the pictures you attached and from the behaviors you explained, that is not my field of expertise, for I believe that your wife is a zombie. Brain eating is typical behavior, and most likely her skin is rotting, rather than “drying out,” as you said in your letter. The fact that she is from Haiti only furthers my suspicions that she is in fact amongst the undead. I am by no means a zombie expert, and I recommend you talk to an anthropologist to find a solution to your zombie problem.
Dr. James Maclean, WebMD
Dear Mr. Jacobson,
My name is Miguel Sanchez and I represent Seth and Gabrielle Plateau. I have been charged to tell you that it is the Plateau’s intentions to seek restitution after your wife attacked their son on the date of March 11. Xirces “Goose” Plateau has been hospitalized and is being treated for an, as of yet, unknown disease, and it is believed the bite is directly related to the deterioration of their son’s health. I urge you begin to seek counsel. Your wife is your property and you must deal with her actions.
Sincerely,
Miguel Sanchez, Esq.
Dr. Hoffman,
My name is Tyler Jacobson and I have a problem. I have recently purchased a mail order bride from Haiti, but as of late, I have begun to think she may be a zombie, though I’m not positive. She has been attacking people around the neighborhood, and in several instances, has eaten the brains of homeless folks. The problem is, I love my wife, and I would do anything to cure her of this terrible affliction. I have come to understand you are the foremost Haitian scholar in this country, is there anything I can do?
Sincerely Yours,
Tyler Jacobson
Mr. Jacobson,
First, I’d to thank you for your compliments. Most of the time I am thought of as the second best Haitian scholar in America, but if you ask me, Sid Farkas is an arrogant prick, pardon the language. In response to your question, yes there is a way to fix your wife. You will need, however, a crash course on voodoo. I have included some videos and a book, which should be useful. There should be a section on one of the videos, which describes in great detail how to cure a zombie. I hope you find them useful. Good luck!
The premier Haitian scholar,
Dr. Abbie Hoffman
Dr. Hoffman,
Hi, my name is Ty Jacobson, and I sent you a letter about my zombie wife about a month ago. Well, I was wondering, is there anyway I can turn her back? Woman talks too much.
Tyler
