ABUSED HUSBAND NEEDS A NEW GIRLFRIEND
Norbit
10/10
by Susy Kim
After taking a serious role in the award-winning Dreamgirls, Eddie Murphy returned to his comic roots with the new movie Norbit. Murphy takes on three roles as different characters who are extremely odd in many ways. Although Norbit cannot hold a candle to Murphy’s earlier works such as Coming to America and The Nutty Professor, it is nonetheless a good film to get a smile on your face.
In the film, Murphy plays the geeky Norbit, who grew up in an orphanage operated by a Chinese couple, Mr. and Mrs. Wong. There, he spent most of his time with his buddy, Kate (Thandie Newton) who eventually leaves because she gets adopted. Lonely and sad, Norbit is often picked on by other children. That is until he meets an obnoxious and cruel, beastly girl named Rasputia (also played by Murphy). He eventually marries Rasputia, but leads an unhappy life being dominated by his obese wife and her three brothers. One day, Norbit is reunited with Kate and falls back in love with her. He makes up his mind to leave Rasputia for Kate, and that’s where trouble begins.
Much of the film’s running time is spent on Rasputia and her cruel ways. She is portrayed to fit the stereotypical standard of a big mean lady who makes everyone’s life miserable. In one scene she beats up her mailman, and in another she runs over a dog with her car. Luckily, Murphy’s character gets some help from his fellow comedians, Eddie Griffin and Katt Williams, who play two pimps. They also assist Norbit in winning over Kate’s heart.
Norbit is a perfect date flick. It combines humor and romance to satisfy everyone’s taste in movies. Eddie Murphy’s use of stereotype to portray Norbit, Rasputia, and Mr. Wong may seem a bit unethical at times, but there is no doubt that those three characters are what made the movie. I couldn’t stop laughing for the whole 102 minutes of this film. This week, I plan on going again to laugh my face off, and so should you.
A NEW KIND OF ROCK ‘N ROLL
The Fall of Troy at Buffalo Icon
8/10
by Andrew Blake
It has been increasingly difficult for me to find new music I like. Apparently it is near impossible to create a new sound without blatantly wearing your influences on your sleeve. Luckily, I was able to hear for the first time in awhile a handful of bands that truly impressed me. They combined elements of rock not employed enough nowadays.
The Fall of Troy, a Washington state based trio of young, budding prog-rockers headlined a sold-out show at The Buffalo Icon on Friday. Mostly, their songs were guitar driven post-hardcore numbers that seemed to emphasize the technical side of songwriting. The musicianship and craft in all of their songs were remarkably in-depth as well as catchy, but I felt that the band’s tendency to play from within the crowd, although entertaining, took away from the music, limiting the full potential of their performance. The full house at The Icon loved every note that guitarist Thomas Erak screeched from atop of the audience, as displayed by fans often climbing atop one another to get close to their hero inches away. Their songs seemed to combine the progressive tendencies of Rush, with more modern and aggressive descendents such as At The Drive In. However, at the same time I couldn’t help but think the band, who was without a doubt demonstrating superb musical skills, could have sounded even better if they concentrated less on the show, and more on the songs. While I did love the energy and soul put into their music, for the first time in quite some while I felt that the headliner was overshadowed by the opening bands.
Damiera, a local band recently signed to Equal Visions had a huge response from their hometown fans. The guys in Damiera played their instruments really high up on their bodies, something I found only fat people or really good musicians do. Given that the band consisted of a bunch of slims, I decided that they obviously knew what they were doing. Like The Fall of Troy, Damiera’s songs were all musically complex, more so than the average modern rock song. Their blending of instruments managed to create intricate layers to all of their tunes. Some of their songs, while still containing memorable hooks, were constructed well enough to put me into a trance. One qualm I had is with the guitarist’s shitty Alkaline Trio tattoo.
I WANNA DO YA, DO YA, DO YA
Pretty Ricky - Late Night Special
1/10
by Elina Vaysbeyn
Your booty call shows up. Maybe you light some candles and incense. Maybe you dim the lights. Maybe you even have some fun with massage oils. But once things start movin’ along, do you A) “grip that ass like a hand on Play-doh, butta that thang like a baked potato,” B) ask your partner to “taste their lemon pie,” or C) start out by “walking through the door naked in a trench coat… makin’ love on the stove”? A band of brothers, Pretty Ricky (Corey “Slick’em” Mathis, Diamond Blue “Baby Blue” Smith, Spectacular Blue Smith, and Marcus “Pleasure” Cooper) explains the formula for true sexin’ in the song “Love Like Honey”: ice cream, baby oil, and strawberries.
Pretty Ricky, known for their former hit, “Grind On Me,” might work as a Bone Thugz–n-Harmony or Boyz II Men cover band, but as an original act, they miss the mark on sensuous, sexy, and soulful. In fact, I’d describe these guys as lonely, pathetic, and sleazy after listening to their new album, Late Night Special. How many songs about “climbin’ on top” and “lickin’ down there” can someone write? I appreciate the special emphasis in their lyrics on satisfying a woman sexually, but “take them granny panties off, put the thong on,” “On The Hotline,” doesn’t strike a chord with my vagina.
Their lyrics are repetitive, as is the subject of them. If there’s a female reproductive organ that needs saving, Pretty Ricky is going to resuscitate it. They’re willing to do whatever it takes. Their music is beyond cheesy, with soft beats and full of corny clichés around every corner. The genre should be called “satin brushing against your skin” or maybe “if fairy wand sparkles could talk.” Their singing ranges from gangsta rap to milky, sweet vocals.
Their poor rhyming abilities and saccharine musical repertoire are nauseating. Songs like “Up and Down” and “Stay” would make Ron Jeremy cringe in horror. Their tacky display of sex is tasteless and the constitution of the songs themselves is hardly catchy. I’m going to take a giant leap and suggest “Personal Trainer” as a new, workout video theme-song. The one track I consider radio single worthy is “Push It Baby.” The beats to this are dancey and would work in a club setting—maybe in Night at the Roxbury.
There isn’t much that’s appealing on Late Night Special. If I wanted to hear banal, sexual double entendres, I would probably read Shakespeare, and if I wanted to have sex to something raunchy, it definitely wouldn’t be Pretty Ricky.
LOSER LOVE
Norah Jones - Not Too Late
8/10
by Danielle Westfall
If you are in the mood for some sweet, soulful jams, Norah Jones’ new album, Not Too Late, is the way to go. She wrote the collection of 13 original songs on the album, none of which are sappy or extremely positive about love. Hitting the shelves January 30, 15 days before Valentines Day, it sounds like Norah is the lonely single woman not getting any chocolate or flowers. The songs are mostly about lack of hope, friends, and reaching out to people. In a few of them Norah suggests that she is alone and wishes there was someone in her life.
“Broken” is a song about a shady guy who has “a broken voice and a twisted smile.” As I listened to this song I got the impression that good ole’ Norah may have a thing for the quiet, brooding fellow in the corner. I appreciated her ending note, while she plays the piano and an acoustic guitar strums in the back, “I saw him stand alone under a broken street light so sincere, singing Silent Night.” Norah seems to be getting across that many of us end up alone. Her lyrics indicate that those unfortunate enough to be left in such solitude should come together and comfort each other.
Another track that stood out to me was “Not My Friend.” Norah is trying to make a statement with this song, maybe telling off one of her old friends. There is an electric guitar rather than the previous soft, acoustic one. Some bass is also added for a more dramatic sound. A lyric stating, “you are not my friend, I cannot pretend anymore” makes it sound like Norah’s got some real people problems. First it’s the loser Fabio she is quietly drooling over, and now she has friends that really aren’t her friends.
It isn’t all about backstabbing friends and scruffy guys though, some of the songs have an interesting twist. One is about being on a boat made of sticks and hay, which of course, sadly sinks. Another is about election day and her political views. “My Dear Country” is a narrative song that started with the line, “nothing is as scary as election day.” I laughed because this has become the general sentiment of Americans, along with frustration and hopelessness. She sang, “cause we believed in our candidate but even more it’s the one we hate,” which is obviously about the pathetic state of election politics. Ouch. This slow, but upbeat, jazzy song rips on the government. It does have one important statement though about our dear country, “I love the things that you’ve given me and most of all that I am free to have a song that I can sing on election day.”
Overall a lot of the songs on Not Too Late have many different themes and lyrics, however, Norah’s drawl makes many of them sound the same.
SPICE UP YOUR LIFE
5 de Mayo Mexican Grill
8/10
by Jack Niejadlik
Valentine’s Day dinners are often overshadowed by sweet, decadent desserts. Candy, ice cream, and chocolate-covered strawberries are among the most common indulgences. It is during this most romantic time of the year that we easily forget how nothing says I love you like a steaming pile of rice and beans.
5 de Mayo (located at the intersection of Millersport and Eggert, in Amherst) boasts a bountiful but simple menu, with 32 dinner combinations, none exceeding $7.75. There are some pricier entrees, like the beef or chicken fajitas, which flirt with the $12 mark. By and large, the entire menu offers plentiful, pallet-pleasing portions without the high-cost.
For those looking to sample, the dinner combos are the best way to go. The combination platters contain a variety of traditional Mexican items, including enchiladas, tacos, and burritos available in beef, chicken, and vegetarian options. Sides of authentic Mexican-style rice and beans round out the options. Stumped by Mexican culinary terminology? Flip to the back of the menu for helpful descriptions on what distinguishes a chalupa from a taquito, etc. The lunch menu seems to be an equally-savory but abbreviated form of what is offered for dinner.
The restaurant’s ambiance mirrors its authentic cuisine. Wood-accented booths and Mexican art adorning the walls allow you to forget about the blistering cold, if only for a short while. The space itself is quaint, accommodating a maximum of 57 people at a time. With limited amounts of seating to compliment the modest staffing, the cozy restaurant does not trade good service for good food by any means. Our waiter was attentive, offering free refills of soft drinks, and timing his service perfectly.
For those of the legal age, the frozen strawberry margarita is not to be missed. Avid avocado enthusiasts can rejoice in the creamy and delicious guacamole, priced at about $3. Coupled with complementary tortilla chips and salsa, the guacamole is the perfect precursor to anything on the menu.
With a menu of most items under $10, 5 de Mayo is an excellent find for anyone with a taste for Mexican. Thanks to the full bar, this February you might altogether forget that you’re actually in Buffalo.
SEMI-SWEET CHOCOLATE EXPERIENCE
The Chocolate Bar
7/10
by Katie Young
Normally, I keep my distance from swanky lounges and dressy clubs on Chippewa, but I was tempted to try The Chocolate Bar located in the Hampton Inn on West Chippewa. Merely the idea of chocolate martinis made me shiver with excitement. This unique “dessert nightclub” manages to combine subdued sophistication with a comfortable, inviting atmosphere.
My friends and I were immediately ushered to into a spacious booth within the large dining room upstairs. We drooled at the large selection of drinks on their menu. They had an intriguing thin-mint liquor milkshake known as a Dirty Girl Scout Alp’accinos ($9.95), as well as Shooters (flight of 3/$8.95), which are Belgian chocolate cups filled with a shot of your choice of liquor. If you’re a person who enjoys beer, beware—there isn’t a wide selection. Being a coffee aficionado, I ordered an espresso martini ($9.95).
Our martinis arrived fairly quickly. We were puzzled by the drink rims; mine had chocolate shavings, and salt. The contrast between the two was very peculiar yet pleasant. My friend licked his rim, and declared, “I think it’s like pie crust.”
Their dessert menu is similarly impressive, including tarts, crepes, handmade ice cream, and chocolate fondue. My New York style turtle cheesecake ($5.95) was covered with a hard, dark chocolate shell. Although it is meant to be rich, it was slightly too heavy for my taste. The cranberry-walnut tart was perfect: warm, moist, while simultaneously smooth and crunchy. All the presentations were exquisite. Details included fresh and airy, light whipped cream, hand-rolled sticks of dark chocolate, and carefully placed small dots of strawberry sauce.
Because it was “Sax in the City” Tuesday, we were treated to live saxophone music. I was hoping for some jazz or blues tunes, instead cheesy renditions of popular songs were played. Nevertheless, the live music was a pleasant touch to the atmosphere. Additionally, there were great deals, martinis were two dollars off, and the desserts were two-for-one. Their menu can be pricey for a college student, but it is definitely well worth the quality.
Despite the great drinks, desserts, and atmosphere, there were several flaws throughout the evening. Our waitress was apathetic and MIA for the majority of the evening, and the bartender was slightly rude and impatient. But, there is a positive side to an inattentive staff—you can concentrate on food and conversation with your date, instead of being hassled by an annoying waitress.
GOOD VIBRATIONS
Lifestyles 4Play
10/10
by Matthew Dashkoff
“Your dick is vibrating!” she exclaimed after I turned on Lifestyles “4Play.”
“Yes,” I replied. No time to waste.
I had heard about this new condom,the one with the built in vibrator, from a few different sources. While naturally secure in my sexual capabilities, I admit to being a little curious. So, I made my way to Walgreens and had my pick between the Big Three: Trojan, Durex, and Lifestyles. As much as we all trust Trojan, $11.99 is a steep price for one night of pleasure. Durex and Lifestyles, both $7.99, are a better fit for the college student. Due to an unpleasant past experience with Durex, I opted for the Lifestyles.
The contents of the box are as follows: one condom, one instruction manual, and one vibrating cock ring. The vibrating mechanism itself is a simple, compact motor in a safe, plastic casing. The ring, which snugly holds the small vibrator, is a soft, comfortable, stretchy material. Contrary to what I heard before I bought this item, the condom is not attached to the ring. But don’t be a dope—diseases and newborn babies are out there, and they’re looking for you.
On this particular occasion, intercourse, without getting into too much detail, played out like it usually does: mind blowing for her, fatiguing for me. I pulled out my usual bag of tricks—a tickle here, a kiss there—but all the while it seemed as though there was more to the equation. Now, I know my skills are tight and there is never any slack to pick up, but based on the contortions of her face and the scratches on my back, this thing isn’t child’s play. The female participant in this little experiment, who shall hereby be referred to as “Jane Doe,” was pleased, to say the least.
“Well,” I gasped, “what did it feel like?”
A short pause. “Like you were fucking me and eating me out at the same time.”
When I asked her which position was the most satisfying, Jane replied, “When you were behind me… and on top of me… and under me, too, actually.”
Well I’ll be damned, I thought. This thing does work, too well even. The manual that comes in the box clearly states that the battery lasts only up to twenty minutes, but we went well over that without vibration failure. As we’re lying there, Ms. Doe doesn’t know what she got herself into, and I’m on my back wondering where I learned to do that. Now, the trick is to keep the vibrator against the “right parts” of the girl’s anatomy. Too vague? Ask your doctor. As for me, the vibrator, although attached to my own member, did not make a noticeable difference in my added pleasure. It just felt like I was leaning on the dryer stuck on the spin cycle. But seriously, if you’re a guy, does it really even matter?
Eventually, it was over and the euphoria had worn off. It was time to move on with the day. It was only 4:30 pm. As we parted ways, I couldn’t help myself.
“How many orgasms did you have?” I asked.
“I don’t know.”
“Five?” I persisted.
“At least,” Jane replied.
SPEND A LITTLE TIME IN DANCE CLASS
Sweet Charity
4/10
by Brad Deck
There is something to be said for “the fickle finger of fate,” as Charity Hope Valentine, the central character discusses in the musical Sweet Charity. It is the most recent theatrical road tour to stop at Shea’s Performing Arts Center. In this case, maybe there is a purpose behind the fickleness of said finger.
The now 39-year-old Molly Ringwald hit the cinematic jackpot 25 years ago, landing a string of successful coming-of-age teen comedies, thus establishing her solid gold girl-next-door status. But when those roles stopped coming, she turned to cheap horror and Hallmark movies of the week, even going so far as to roast herself in the spoof Not Another Teen Movie, playing the coveted role of “flight attendant.” Since turning to the stage, however, it has become evident that her talents (however marginal they may be) lie in film—singing and dancing are most certainly not her forte. The little musical exhibition she does carry out is almost heartbreaking. Her loveable character, a call girl with a heart, makes us suffer through Cy Coleman’s musical numbers with her squeaky, childish voice that may have been charming back in ‘87.
The real shame is that poor Molly Ringwald cannot, for the life of her, bust out a dance step more complicated than the jazz-square. Asking her to high kick might as well be requesting that she murder her first born, it just isn’t going to happen. Considering that the legendary Bob Fosse originally choreographed the show, the latest leading lady’s stumblings about the stage are nothing short of criminal.
Alas, there is more to a musical than its star. The supporting cast is a rollercoaster ride of talent, with peaks of spastic, slapstick comedy from the leading man (Guy Adkins), and horrible lows of weak, supporting females (namely Angel Reda and Francesca Harper as Charity’s loyal stripper buddies). The company dance numbers to Broadway classics like “Hey, Big Spender,” and “I’m a Brass Band” are impressive, but cannot make up for the lack of vocal talent. Richard Ruiz does a decent job as Herman, the shifty owner of Charity’s place of employment, a role that was brought to life by Wayne Knight (Newman in Seinfeld) in the 2005 revival, but it is far too late to make up for the heap of Ringwaldian shortcomings.
If The Breakfast Club sat down today to discuss the present state of their careers, it is a tough call on who would be the sob-story of the bunch. Ally Sheedy looks pretty good, so she’s out. Anthony Michael Hall has a show on USA or something, so he’s safe this time. Judd Nelson may or may not have killed himself, so we’ll leave him alone. Overall, I think Molly Ringwald may be taking home the prize for the most pathetic career turn. Going from Golden Globe-nominated teen queen to washed-up touring actress can’t be easy, but at least she doesn’t have to sit through the horror of watching herself on stage.
IT IS OK TO LOOK?
Match.com
3/10
by Tori Burhans
Ever since Chris Hansen and Dateline NBC launched “To Catch a Predator”, desperate Internet nerds have had to find a new, safer, and oddly conventional way to meet girls. Barraged with multiple online dating services or “friend finders”, it seems a daunting task to even attempt to find a partner online. Yet, the new Match.com has set itself apart as the premiere dating service.
Unlike the free Cupid.com and the rip-off E-harmony.com, Match.com offers special services such as Dr. Phil’s relationship counseling, which are actually more like hollow, generic words of encouragement from a drunken uncle. The site’s new ad campaign stresses Dr. Phil’s involvement and their catchphrase “It’s ok to look”. Indeed, it is ok to look but they shouldn’t encourage it. One look at those registered will completely dissuade you from completing the sign-up.
If you do decide to bite the bullet and try your luck with the re-vamped Match.com, make sure to reserve plenty of time for the sign up. To register you need to go through a lengthy process, after which you understand why only the crazies and desperate would finish it. Section I is the “Me” section that goes on forever. First you pick a username that accurately describes your personality with 16 characters, with Match.com’s user-name generators to aide. After choosing “GenerationGrrl” for the sake of this review, I continued with the sign up. The rest of the first section consists of your appearance, likes/dislikes, and lifestyle. Asking body style, hair and eye color, and astrological sign, the user’s quest for true love starts off on a superficial note. Only after you’re asked whether you’re “big and beautiful” or “athletic and toned” do the “it’s what’s on the inside that counts” questions begin. My potential match will also know what I do for fun, favorite places to go, last book I read, and a few of my favorite things.
Next comes the fun part, talking about your perfect match. “My match” starts off with asking whether photos are necessary, which again takes away from the promise of finding someone to love you for who you are and not what you look like. The section continues to ask your preferred height (Being 6’ myself, I put down a range of 6’-8’ and clicked “very important” next to it.), “when staring into someone’s eyes, what color do you prefer them to be?” and “when running your hands through someone’s hair, what color do you wish it to be?” As someone who lusts after Rabbinical students, I chose dark brown for both as well as Jewish for my faith of choice. You can even choose your match’s lifestyle choices with smoking, drinking, salary, and occupation options. Ending with a list of “turn on’s”, you can choose from a vague list that allegedly will aid in finding your match. Tattoo’s, boldness, thunderstorms, and brainiacs were my turn-on’s, but you could also choose PDA, erotica, and candlelight.
Ending the sign up is the “my words” section, where you fill out a headline (much like a Myspace tagline that goes next to your picture) and then fill out a 200 character minimum “about me” section. Both of these sections have Match.com advice centers to help you write about yourself in a way to attract the opposite sex. After this you need to cough up the cash. Match.com offers two options: the basic account or the Dr. Phil McGraw match center. With more ways to connect, Dr. Phil’s service has private journals, dating strategies, and video advice from the man himself. A six month sign up for the basic match.com is $16.99 a month or $23.98 a month for Dr. Phil’s service. Match.com also had the six month guarantee, boasting that if you don’t see results within the first six months you can get another six months for free! Essentially another half year of no results.
While searching through the many registered uses, I found myself searching for hours to find one match that was both attractive (and it should be noted I am definitely not picky with this aspect) and matched my interests. While searching, you can do “match words” to find people with certain words in their profile, but finding no matches in the Buffalo area for “blunt” or “wine” that search tool was not helpful. The user can also put in their exact perfect match, but I found no luck with that search tool as well. In fact, many of those registered seem like a Who’s Who of weirdo’s. After an exhaustive search through the Buffalo area’s users I found 23 pages of Mug shots, men in full military uniform, Myspace creeps, and username’s to the effect of SabrezRule197 and BillsFAN.
In comparison to the old fashioned way of finding a mate, Match.com does offer some plusses. For one, the site is a smart choice for those who find the idea of getting out of their room and actually trying to meet new people without Dr. Phil strategy sessions tough. Those with social inadequacy can find solace in the fact that they aren’t the only ones having a problem finding someone in the real world. Also, Match.com offers the anonymity of the Internet which makes it easier to make a move on a hottie without it being followed by a harsh rejection. Still, this site seems more like a way to take money from the lonely and put it in the hands of Oprah’s ex-protégé.
Give yourself about an hour to sign up, and then an eternity to find the person of your dreams. Match.com boasts a guarantee to find someone within six months, but with those fish, I believe I’ll stay out of that ocean.
