“I’m Right. You’re Wrong.” is an advice column especially designed to help University at Buffalo students. So, if you have no one else to turn to (and I mean absolutely no one) drop off your question in our personals mailbox or email us at askgeneration@gmail.com. If you’re lucky, your question just might show up in the next issue.

Q:I have a problem staying up when it comes to my girlfriend…if you know what I mean. Do you suggest that I take any pills to help me with my problem?

TJ: Your problem could be one of two things: an actual medical condition, or although you may think you are, you might not be sexually attracted to her. If the latter seems ridiculous, then I would suggest mixing it up in the bedroom. Try some role-playing or various adult toys. Something new and adventurous might be the cure to your little problem. If that doesn’t work, seek a doctor to discuss possible medical options.

PS: I know what you mean. Before I took the final test for my CDL license, a friend named Carlos was giving out pills like a broken Piñata on Cinco de Mayo. He said his buddies went totally “loco” on them the night before. I agreed to partake in a couple, feeling stressed-out and hung over, after he swore they would make me drive “better than ever, man.” Anyway, I felt worse than ever, man, and when my penis augmented to the size of a lava lamp for three hours I regretted getting into the truck in the first place, and failed the course. I’m referring to a gigantic erection. Don’t take any fucking pills, you smart-assed punk.

Q: Our friend has started dating a real bitch. He no longer wants to talk to his friends. We believe he just gets whipped with leather and a gag ball all day. How can we save him?

TJ: Maybe he likes it. Sometimes, even after you’re friends with someone for a while, weird shit gets out. Maybe you should just barge in on one of their S&M sessions and rescue him Superman-style. Or perhaps he just really likes her and calling her a bitch is just going to make the situation worse.

PS: I once played gag-ball with my buddies back home in PA. There weren’t too many rules, but I remember the basics. We’d all stand in the Dairy Queen parking lot drinking St. Ides Special Brews for twenty seconds at a time. It was hot out that summer so the booze had time to cook in the car all day. It was less refreshing and crisp and more a grating burn—like swallowing orange juice pizza vomit. Then we’d take turns huffing air out of a coffee can full of dog crap that Donny found and seeing who could boot and hit the window.

Q: IS PATH WARM?

TJ: IS PATH WARM? is actually a mnemonic to help you remember the warning signs of suicide. They are: ideation, substance abuse, purposelessness, anxiety, trapped, hopelessness, withdrawal, anger, recklessness, and mood changes. Thank the Wellness Center for this slightly depressing, but oh-so helpful tidbit.

PS: None of those words make any sense. I am so high right now.

Q: What’s a good place to take a date on Valentine’s Day?

TJ: As you may have guessed by my diatribe earlier in the magazine, avoid a restaurant if you don’t have reservations. Fortunately, there are many other options for the 14. Try a coffee house for dessert and some espresso. They are usually quiet and typically offer large, comfortable seating for snuggling. What about ice-skating at the Pepsi Center, or a walk through the Albright Knox art gallery? The Buffalo Zoo is a nice choice if you’re animal lovers or a snowboard trip to Kissing Bridge for you athletes. Try and do something you both enjoy, taking her to a monster truck rally probably isn’t the best idea.

PS: Why travel five, or even ten miles away, when you can get the attractions of the city right in our backyard. That’s right, I’m talking about beautiful Ellicott Complex! Nuzzle up for a hot cup of brownish-red coffee from the marginally interested staff of Perks, then perhaps a bit of ice skating in the Ellicott Tunnel, with automatic truck exhaust climate control. Slow it down a little, and take in some art, courtesy of your stoner roommate’s blacklight and Pink Floyd collection. Then, it’s off to Mars, for a romantic wildlife tour both inside the magical Ellicott tunnel with “Ravenous Rodents” or in our beautiful courtyard, for the “Smelly Ass Gooses” installment. At the end of the day, hustle on in for a trip to the slopes, courtesy of your reliable, discreet friends in Fargo Quad. Knock twice for a g, son! No need for fancy nights out in faraway Buffalo proper—this Valentine’s Day, stay local. Ellicott Complex—The Only Choice.