This Valentine’s Day the question on everyone’s mind is “how good will the sex be tonight?” So, to ensure a great night between the sheets, and to encourage your lady-friend to repay the favors on next month’s Steak and Blowjob Day, here’s a few tips for the best in unforgettable sensual pleasures.
10. Don’t neglect the
“lesser” orifices
That’s right. Surely you remember the old idiom of “Two in the pinker, one in the stinker.” It’s as true today as it was in high school. Ladies love surprises, and there’s nothing more surprising than a finger or two going in through the out door.
9. Booze, booze, booze
Some will tell you “sober sex is safer sex.” That’s bullshit. I like to keep a bottle of Jack on the nightstand, in case of emergencies. Y’know, like when you get thirsty. Or when you realize that bombshell you picked up at the Steer isn’t as hot (or as legal) as you thought. Plus, everyone loves body shots.
8. Have a box of multi-
colored Sharpies handy
Why? Well, to draw targets of course. It’s always fun to sight in your gun by drawing a few bull’s eyes on your partner’s body and then trying to hit them with your man-seed rounds. Not to mention, it’s a great way to still have fun when you’re all out of condoms or there’s a shortage of Plan B in town. Plus, if you get her drunk enough, she’ll forget about the target you drew on her forehead when she’s taking the walk of shame home in the morning.
7. Buy a forehead flashlight
You know, those flashlights that come on an elastic band that you put around your forehead. Flick that baby on when you’re headed downtown. It helps shed light on the dark crevasse, and lends itself to the whole spelunking experience. You may look a little weird, but doesn’t everyone when they’re nose deep in it?
6. Chocolate-covered
sleeping pills
Chicks love chocolate. I don’t quite understand their incredible fixation myself, but the stuff generally makes them wetter than an April weekend. So, if you cook up some candies with sleeping pills or powder, you can get them all riled up and knock them out. That way, every dirty fantasy you’ve ever imagined instantly becomes fair game. Plus, none of that annoying post-coital chit-chat.
5. The Snow Blower
This one’s a seasonal favorite. Chicks love cold stuff, especially in the nether regions. Haven’t you ever heard about frozen bananas or ice cubes? Well, this Valentine’s Day show her you care with the gift of snow. All you need is a wet/dry shop vacuum. Just fill that up with some fresh powder, slap it into the reverse position, and fill ‘er up. Between the vibrations of the blower motor and the blasting spray of sensual snowflakes, she won’t walk straight for a week. Not to mention, everyone knows how snow makes roads slippery, so just imagine how much it will help you lose traction around those
“dangerous curves.”
4. Bondage
No, I’m not talking about ropes, chains, and whips, although those are all good choices too. This is a much more hardcore maneuver that’s easy to pull off. Just before you start going at it, lube up with half a bottle of superglue. Ladies always bitch about sex not lasting long enough, but this way you’ll be in her until the two of you can figure out how to get to the emergency room. If nothing else, it should prove entertaining.
3. Always, ALWAYS, engage
in role-play
What’s not to like here? Personally, I like to dress up as Captain Picard from Star Trek: The Next Generation and order my lady-friend to set course for my cock. Then, I sit down in my armchair, point the two fingers of my right hand forward, and say, “Make it so.” There’s nothing like a good bit of role-play to rev up your sexual (warp) drive.
2. Do it at gunpoint
Yeah, you read that correctly. Get yourself a gun of some sort, even a BB or cap gun will do, and then keep it pointed at her while you’re going at it. For some reason chicks get really hot and bothered when they feel like they have to bone as if their life depends on it. Beats me why, but check it out.
1. Shock and awe
Pretty straightforward here. Grab a battery, or if you’ve got the cash, a TASER. Hook that up to anywhere and everywhere you can think of. A few volts of electricity really puts the spark into things, and the spasms that she’ll have while being shocked will feel fantastic on the ol’ schlong.
