“I’m Right. You’re Wrong.” is an advice column especially designed to help University at Buffalo students. So, if you have no one else to turn to (and I mean absolutely no one) drop off your question in our personals mailbox or email us at askgeneration@gmail.com. If you’re lucky, your question just might show up in the next issue.
Q: It often takes me a while to find my girlfriend’s “spot.” Is there any trick or easy way to allow me to enter quicker?
TJ: What do you want—just a quick wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am session? You, my friend, need a crash course on foreplay. It’s not about entering quickly; it’s about entering with the grace and finesse of a lion on the hunt.
C: Maybe you could try approaching the bed on a motorcycle. That would cause you to enter her pretty fast.
Q: My kegerator is putting out almost all foam. How do I get a good, clean pour?
TJ: Well, according to Kegworks.com, there could be any number of reasons for your foaming troubles. It could be as simple as not keeping your keg properly refrigerated or human error in pouring, to complex problems such as worn out components or too much CO2. Check their site out, try what they recommend, and see if that helps. After all, I’m no kegerator mechanic.
C: I had the exact same problem with my keg pump in middle school, man. The trick is to stop jacking off for a few hours, then things’ll be alright. Don’t overextend yourself.
Q: What’s the best way to get downtown from North Campus?
TJ: Fly.
C: You should stay true to the spirit of living on North Campus and not go downtown at all. Urban environments can be confusing and, at times, even unpredictable. Why grace the clothing shops on Elmwood when you can go to the Follett store and grab a UB-licensed hoodie for $69.99? Why dine at a restaurant with some fancy name when Salsa is open (maybe)? And why grab a drink at one of Buffalo’s many bars when you can ferry 18-packs of Natty Ice up the stairs when your RA isn’t looking? North Campus: certainly a choice.
Q: Lately I’ve found myself unable to wake up for class in the morning. My alarm will go off, but I won’t hear it or I won’t wake up. Help me not fail!
TJ: You could try an aroma-releasing alarm clock. It will fill your room with the scent of lavender before gently coaxing you from sleep with the sound of the ocean.
C: I’m generally awoken by the authorities, myself.
Q: For the past few weeks my roommates and I have been throwing parties. It seems every time we have a keg party, one of our roommates pisses all over the house at night. He has urinated on his bed, the floor, and my TV. How do we stop this disgusting problem without stopping our parties?
TJ: Some tips for you: Depends and an ample amount of plastic sheets.
C: Fuck you, Moss. Don’t drag our home life into the magazine.
Q: My friends and I argue all the time about which engineering is the hardest. Please end this argument.
TJ: I think any engineering is probably difficult; then again, complex calculations are not my forte. I would search for the drop out rates for each type of engineering on the Internet. The highest percentage wins. Or you could always conduct a drinking game filled with elaborate mathematic proportions. Game. Set. Match.
C: I’m no engineer, but I have known a few people who call the major their life. I think that the hardest working type of engineer would have to be the bong technician. There are just certain people who will spend a solid week and half-a-dozen trips to the Home DePot to construct a pipe you pack in the basement and hit on the roof. Right now, the future designer of the perpetual motion device is probably sitting in his living room staring at a 50 gallon fish tank and the carburetor from a ‘83 Pontiac, trying to figure out where the bowl will go.
