One year ago this week, I donned my Master Shake campaign suit and hit the pavement, shuffling about with my bright orange sign and neon pink straw-shaped headgear, hoping to get you all to vote for me and “Shake Things Up.”
Instead, I came in dead last and ended up having to take a job as a layout jockey here at this illustrious publication.
So, as you can imagine, the intervening year has given me time to analyze my losing strategy and pick out exactly why I lost. My proposals weren’t bold enough. Here’s what would’ve happened if I could travel back in time from now to let my year-younger self in on some much needed advice.
1. Make all lectures available
as Podcasts
Everyone’s got an iPod these days, and they pay more attention to them than what’s going to be on the test next week. So, why not save everybody some time and headaches and record all classes in digital format? We are living in the technological age and we should take full advantage of that. Plus, that’ll alleviate the problem of trying to figure out what happened in the class you’ve been skipping religiously for the last two months.
2. Subsidized Alcohol
Purchasing Program (SAPP)
Given the penchant of us collegiate types for alcohol, I will make it a point to establish an amicable working relationship with the Molson, Labatt, and Anheuser-Busch corporations. Everyone knows college students are poor but, like the robots of Futurama, we all require alcohol to power our systems. With our sheer volume purchasing power, we’ll be able to provide cheap cases and keg rentals for all parties, making sure that no man, woman, or child is left living with the doldrums of sobriety.
3. Open an SA “Pharmacy”
If you’re one of the many illicit drug users on campus, you’ve probably got some horror story about that time you bought an eight-ball of coke off some shifty looking dude only to find out it was not only short, but cut with salt or baking soda. Well, worry no more. With SA looking out for your student interests, standard weights and measures, along with price controls, would be introduced, ensuring you never pay too much or risk permanent brain damage. Plus, with friendly service technicians and liberal hours of operation, you’ll be high not only on the good shit, but on life.
4. Construction of an
elaborate gondola system
I don’t go to South Campus much, admittedly, but I hear a good number of people make the trip there and back again quite regularly on the fleet of often overcrowded and late buses. That’s why I would propose to construct a three-mile, suspended, high-speed gondola to permanently connect the two campuses. This gondola would be in operation 24/7, 365 days a year, alleviating the transportation shortage during breaks, weekends, and late nights, not to mention the long-term savings of hundreds of thousands of dollars on inter-campus transportation costs.
5. Establish a brothel in the
Student Union
Prostitution is illegal, but as I always say, it’s only illegal if they catch you. Under the auspices of an “escort service,” we’ll convert some of the unused office space on the third floor, perhaps one of the Generation offices, into an SA-sanctioned whorehouse. We all know college girls are sluts, and love having promiscuous sex with numerous partners, so finding call girls should be no problem. Not to mention that with our affordable prices, no one will need to go without a good lay, and that income will go to funding further SA projects. Plus, with the Wellness Center in the same building, you can get all the prophylactics you’d ever need.
6. Abolish Democracy
This whole business of representative government and legislative action is really starting to become a drag. It’s no wonder things never seem to change, with all the bureaucratic bullshit that has to be deftly navigated in order to enact anything. If elected, I would immediately declare myself Ultimate Dictator, or Head Honcho, or Man with the Biggest Cock—y’know, some title expressing my total dominant authority. Then getting things done will come down to a simple matter of how motivated I feel on any given day. None of the involved procedures in place now will bog down setting in motion my well-laid plans. Plus, since hardly anyone seems to care enough about elections to vote I can just appoint a successor, for a simple and effective method of continuing the multi-year projects that are begun during my reign.
7. Use the Mandatory
Student Fee to buy
everyone handguns
Pissed off at the cocksmith who just stole the parking spot you were sitting in front of with blinker on? Shoot out his tires. Worried about being raped on your stumble home from wherever it is freshmen go to get drunk underage these days? Screw the Anti-Rape Task Force van; we’ll save tons in gas and maintenance for our burgeoning and aging vehicle fleet by just getting everyone Glocks. I can’t see that working out poorly.
8. Stage a Hostile Takeover
I’ve got the perfect idea for solving all the problems of UB2020—parking, housing, and academic space—in one fell swoop. With the newly armed student body, we’re going to invade Buff State. I won’t lie to you, it will be hard. Their campus is all the way across town, creating a plethora of logistical problems when it comes to landing our troops there, and undoubtedly they’ll put up a fight. But after we occupy their capital—the administrative building—we’ll work on maintaining our occupying forces and pacifying the Bengali insurgents. Who the hell ever heard of a Bengal anyway?
