Missing: “Kool Aid guy, a lion and a naked chick getting groped by a clown...Mayor McCheese, a unicorn, and a flaming pink skeleton riding a motorcycle.”

Dear Generation,

On the afternoon of March 28th, several of my belongings were taken from my car while it was parked in the Furnas Lot. The following is a letter to any of the parties involved in the theft:

Dude,

So you have my stuff. That sucks. I mean, it sucks for me, but it also sucks for you, too. Face it, you took a bunch of rad shit from a broke-ass kid who now has to go into credit card debt just to go back to how stuff was a week ago. Those were my things. Not yours. Did you have to take them? No, you didn't. That being said, please return them. Let's go through the items:

Dell Inspiron 710m Laptop: Look, you don't really want this. As anyone close to me knows, a little-known fact about the Blakester is that I check my email every morning while on the shitter. Ah, the joys of wifi. Without a doubt, some airborne fecal particle definitely made it's way onto that keyboard, and is no doubt swarming you and everything you come into contact with as we speak. Let's not even get started on the semen-to-key ratio. Take a look at me and you can probably figure out that I'm the kind of dude that likes his porn only slightly less than I like my jerking off.

Warwick Streamer Standard Electric Bass: I purchased this three years ago to compensate for my last bass that got ganked from my car. I needed a new bass anyway, but this one is still totally sweet. I can understand you wanting this to pawn off for hippie drug money or whatever, but it's still mine and if I find anyone playing it, I will shove my fingernails right into their sac like I was peeling an orange. Your actions halted the recording of my band's EP, which we were supposed to work on Wednesday night. Ergo, you are a bitch and now a bunch of us hate you. You returning this will save me a lot of time trying to adjust to a new bass, and, well, that would just be cool of you.

Nikon D50 Digital Camera: This thing is totally brand new. That doesn't mean I haven't dropped it a dozen times in the last month, but it is still new. I kind of need this. I’m a photograher and shit. If you are dumb enough to crawl into my car, you are probably too much of a fuck-up to know how to operate an SLR, so save me the time of trying to track this down and just return it before you drop it more than I already have.

My Fucking Day-Planner: Look, man, this is some serious shit right here. I can barely remember what I ate an hour ago, let alone what I have scheduled for next Thursday. I'm a pretty busy guy. If I miss any of my hot dates, I'm going to be pissed. I totally know I have to go to the doctor on Monday for that whole “jumping out of a second story window cause I couldn't get the door open” thing, but I have no idea when. Now I got to get up mad early on Monday and call. Fuck, man.

That's the bulk of it. What tops it all off is I bought the headphones that were in my laptop case the NIGHT BEFORE. You can't buy cheap headphones anymore. I went to Radioshack looking to spend around six bones, but it was more than double that. Bogus. Anyway, you can keep my CSE113 text-book, but if you want to fork over the laptop and camera that would be sweet. Guitar Center is about to get what's left of my savings in a few hours, anyway.

In the meantime, if anyone finds a Warwick bass with duct tape on the body, a Nikon D50 camera, or a laptop covered in stickers (Kool Aid guy, a lion and a naked chick getting groped by a clown are on the outside; Mayor McCheese, a unicorn, and a flaming pink skeleton riding a motorcycle are on the inside), send them my way. Drop by the office here at 315 Student Union or look me up on that there Facebook thing. I'll be the kid pissed off that some cocksucker has my stuff. There is a hefty cash reward for any of these items, so let me know if you see them. Hell, even if you stole them and want to return it to me for a few hundred bucks, that's fine. Just play it off like you found them in a dumpster or something and pray to god I don't take a hammer to your face.

XOXO,

Andrew Blake