“I’m Right. You’re Wrong.” is an advice column especially designed to help University at Buffalo students. So, if you have no one else to turn to (and I mean absolutely no one) drop off your question in our personals mailbox or email us at askgeneration@gmail.com. If you’re lucky, your question just might show up in the next issue.

Q: My upstairs neighbor bitches are driving me crazy, what can/should I do?

TS: Politely go up there and ask them to quiet down, stop being bitches, or whatever else they do to annoy you. If that doesn’t work, shoot them through the roof.

CW: This one time my upstairs neighbor drove me to Tennessee, but you don’t see me complaining. Oh, and be wary of neighbor bitches. They mostly come at night. Mostly.

Q: I really want to give my girlfriend anal, but she’s all like “no way.” How can I convince her?

TS: Anal seems to be a sexual taboo, but according to the article “The Bottom Line” published January 8, 2007 in New York Magazine, “38.2 percent of men between 20 and 39 and 32.6 percent of women ages 18 to 44 engage in heterosexual anal sex.” Use those stats to convince her that a good percentage of people do it and enjoy it, and then maybe she will feel more comfortable and give it a go.

CW: Alcohol, as always, is your best friend in this situation. You see, girls don’t get drunk like you and I. No, their choice of drink is often some sort of unearthly concoction that is one part pomegranate juice and eight parts vodka. Go drink for drink with her on beer, and by the time your buzz is going she’ll be blitzed. Once in blackout mode, a formerly classy lady will probably grope you during an awkward situation (like when you roll down the window to talk to the cops), slur something about a donkey show in Tijuana, and then pass out with her skirt around her neck. Take your base, buddy.

Q: I really want to be a DJ, but now that I’m in college they say everybody’s a DJ. What can I do to get my foot in the door?

TS: From an economic standpoint, turntables are super expensive. A cheap one (you need two—at least) can run you about 100 bucks. You probably should try spinning on someone else’s to make sure you don’t suck at it before you invest in your own equipment. After you decide to buy some tables, start volunteering to provide hot beats for anything you can think of. Birthdays, bar/bat mitzvahs, weddings, Late Night at the Union—it doesn’t matter, as long as you can get yourself out there. If you’re good, the word will spread and pretty soon people might want to pay you. Good luck—you’re going to need it.

CW: Buy a Honda Civic with a subwoofer in the trunk, start taking ecstasy twice a day, and try to give all your friends crappy mix CDs, all the time. Walk as if the floor is perpetually pitched to the left at a 45-degree angle. Make a lot of sweeping statements about raves you havn’t been to.I honestly have no idea what you’re talking about.

Q: Should I feed those ducks that wander around the Commons? They are just so damn cute.

TS: No, that’s Peter’s job. He loves those ducks.

CW: No, but hook them up with some drinking water. That shit in the fountain is nasty.

Q: The weather is getting nice, but I can’t find any good places to chill outside. Where can I go?

TS: Although UB’s campus isn’t exactly rife with lush greenery, there are some places where Mother Nature hasn’t been drowned in cement. The banks of Lake LaSalle are a nice place to sit, have a picnic, whatever you want to do to chill. Across from Porter Quad in Ellicott, there are several barbeque pits and tables near the rugby field—hot dogs, beer, and kickball anyone? There is a nice, grassy hill next to Governors, and who can overlook Kanazawa Island, steps away from Wilkeson Quadrangle? Get out there and soak up some sun, if it’s not 30 fucking degrees out.

CW: I wouldn’t recommend it. The creators of UB, Amherst Edition never intended for students to go outside. That’s why all the buildings are connected by hilariously long walkways and there’re no quads. There may have been plans for a centralized green space in which students could congregate, study, and play Frisbee, but I think they just poured 50 tons of concrete over it and put up a sign that says “Promenade.”