Here at Generation, every member of our team is valued, and thus it is difficult for everyone when someone passes on. We try to comfort ourselves in the knowledge that they have gone on to a better place. In Memoriam:
Features Editor Jason Tracy
Jason Tracy was tragically killed as the result of a barroom bet he made with Al Gore over the rights to take a girl home. The bet involved heroic quantities of Guinness, a disagreement over the Buffalo Sabres’ record, a mule, and a spirited knife fight. Upon losing the bet and learning he was to become Gore’s indentured servant, Tracy committed honorable seppuku by smashing a longneck Coors Light bottle over the bar and driving the remainder into his own heart. As specified in Tracy’s will, “Save a Horse, Ride a Cowboy” will be continually looped throughout his funeral. In his dying breaths, Tracy speculated in retrospect that the girl was “kinda ugly, I gotta say.”
Production Manager Alex
Espinal
Alex Espinal was found dead in the street near the U.S.-Mexico border. After an incident at the Generation offices that concerned the fact everyone assumed Espinal was Mexican, the Photoshop guru was seized by the authorities and extradited to Mexico on charges of software pirating. In an ironic twist of fate, after Photoshopping his way to freedom, Espinal was mowed down while trying to hitch a ride from a car of moustache-wearing hipsters who thought he was mocking them in asking for a ride back to his parents’ house in Williamsburg, Brooklyn.
Supervising Editor Ryan
“Moss” Yaeger
Moss managed to snag an internship laying out instruction manuals with Nintendo, seemingly a dream job. Unfortunately, the position was with the Japanese branch of the company. After spending days roaming the streets of Tokyo in search of cheesed cracker snacks, Moss collapsed from starvation while refusing a plate of calamari that he dubbed “some type-a queer spaghetti.” In the custom of his people, he will be put up on cinder blocks in the front yard and left to decompose.
Editor in Chief Peter Scheck
Peter Scheck was struck by a speeding truck as he rode his bicycle through a red light at 4:30 a.m. on a Monday morning, killing him instantly. His blood alcohol content was .48. He is survived by former Generation associate editor and housemate Jacob Drum who, when asked to comment on the tragedy, simply cocked his head to the side and assumed a quizzical expression before saying he assumed Scheck had moved out months ago. There will be a graveside memorial service Saturday at Forest Lawn Cemetery. BYOB.
Photo Editor Megan Mihevc
Megan Mihevc died while returning from her last photography assignment for Generation when the G News Van overturned and exploded on the New York State Thruway. She had been shooting pictures of Buffalo street gangs for an article next year. Early reports indicate alcohol may have been a factor, although autopsy results were not available at the time of publication. She is survived by her cat, Fluffy, the G News Segway, and her loomingly-tall boyfriend, who saw the whole unfortunate incident from his lofty viewpoint.
Assistant Features Editor Adam
Hojnacki
Adam Hojnacki was stabbed to death in prison, where he was serving a five-year sentence for a vehicular homicide involving Editor in Chief Peter Scheck. Hojnacki quickly made a name for himself on the inside, where he immediately fell in with a with a Latino gang and assumed the alias “Hojo.” He was shivved with a filed-down cafeteria spoon 28 times over a prison-made sangria deal gone bad. Hojnacki is survived by his wife, their newborn twins, and the five-figure credit card debt he acquired after losing his job at a popular Amherst appliance store.
Advertising Manager Deanna
D’Alfonso
Deanna D’Alfonso was a victim of a string of ritualistic murders that swept the Long Island area. Number 18 in this succession of grisly crimes, D’Alfonso died in the fashion that has become known as this killer’s calling card: strangulation by a pair of leg warmers. She also had what police say was the equivalent of 23 “roofie” pills in her stomach at the time of her demise, the volume of which can only be explained by a superhuman tolerance to the date rape drug. Her hand was clutching a rolled-up Generation ad rate card, which she was apparently using to pummel her attacker.
Associate Editor Charles Wiff
In pursuit of the Great American Novel, Charles Wiff set out last week with a joint and a guitar, bound for the west coast. Early reports indicated that after arriving in Tennessee, Wiff sought out the Jack Daniels distillery for a tour, whereupon he fell into an enormous vat of simmering liquor. Refusing to go down without a fight, Wiff consumed an estimated 36 gallons of delicious whiskey rather than die drowning. He expired moments later, convulsing from severe brain damage incurred from his overwhelming alcohol poisoning. He is survived by his guitar and half a joint.
