“I’m Right. You’re Wrong.” is an advice column especially designed to help University at Buffalo students. So, if you have no one else to turn to (and I mean absolutely no one) drop off your question in our personals mailbox or email us at askgeneration@gmail.com. If you’re lucky, your question just might show up in the next issue.

Q: I knew this girl over the summer and she was one of the most honest and chill girls I’ve ever met. We’d talk about anything and everything, and be totally chill with it. Since we’ve been back in Buffalo, everything feels weird now. Should I just stop trying?

TJ: Settling back into school is always tough. There are classes, new rooming situations, homework, and, unfortunately, responsibility. The summer is the only time college students have to, well, chill. This girl you spent time with is probably overwhelmed with classes or adjusting to a new semester. Also, people sometimes find it hard to make the social transition from being at home to being here in Buffalo. Maybe you two shared the same circle of friends at home but here you are both busy reuniting with your school friends. Worst case scenario is that she had a boyfriend that she failed to tell you about. So with that in mind, keep on trucking, bro.

AB: You talked about anything and everything, eh? Did you two ever discuss how much of a pussy you are? Call the fucking whambulance. Either man up and move on, or start with threats. Something like “Let’s go back to how things used to be or I will blow my brains out” will usually seal the deal. The most surefire way of resolving everything, though, is to start doing other girls. Once you stick your dick in something else, you will be cured. Pussy is like penicillin to the achin’ heart. For a quick lay, I recommend fatties. They love it. Just sayin’.

Q: How long should I be sleeping with a girl before I try to play with her butt-hole?

TJ: Depends how sexually open she is. Does she swear by missionary with the lights off or insist on doing it with a shirt on? You probably shouldn’t probe near door number two. But if she’s begging for doggie style after the second date, has been known to throw some slaps your way, or has an arsenal of bedroom novelties—playing with the pooper might be the next fun, exciting step. Talk it over with her first; an unannounced pinky is never welcome.

AB: There is one word in the English language that will get you through any unwanted sexual escapade: “whoops.” Then again, tossin’ it in the pooper is sometimes better planned out than off the cuff. With something like that, I would want to make sure she’s a bit ready. Usually when something unexpectedly enters my anus, my bowels let loose and I can cause quite a scene. This was something I first experienced in Boy Scouts back in ’92, and I haven’t lived it down yet.

Q: It’s my mom’s birthday next week and she’s really hard to shop for. Is there a safe bet for something I can get her?

TJ: Nothing says “I didn’t know what the hell to get you” like a gift certificate. Don’t go that route. She’s your mom—you must know some of her interests. Does she like to bake or cook? Check out Williams-Sonoma for upscale kitchen gadgets. Is she a movie fan? Why don’t you set her up with a Netflix account and pay for the first few months. Just be thoughtful and she’ll recognize you made an extra effort. Then maybe she’ll give you that extra cash you’ve been hounding her for.

AB: My cock.

Q: Last night someone threw nacho cheese all over the door to my apartment and put shaving gel on the doorknob. Should I move?

TJ: Well, that depends. It sounds like there are some pretty raging parties around your apartment complex. I mean, shit’s got to be out of hand for fake cheese to be splashed around the hallways. If you’re into raucous debauchery, this sounds like the place for you. If you lay awake at night, however, with the walls being shaken by terrible music blasting next door—get out, now. Don’t worry about losing your security deposit because two hundred dollars isn’t worth living in a commune of drunken slobs.

AB: Oh my, mercy me. That sounds just despicable. Why don’t you move into my place? I can guarantee that you won’t be plagued by the horrors of shaving gel and cheese, though you may have to blow a hobo. His name is Old Jim. He keeps watch outside to keep the hooligans at bay. Sometimes you got to take the good with the bad.