“I’m Right. You’re Wrong.” is an advice column especially designed to help University at Buffalo students. So, if you have no one else to turn to (and I mean absolutely no one) drop off your question in our personals mailbox or email us at askgeneration@gmail.com. If you’re lucky, your question just might show up in the next issue.
Q: Why is the second-floor entrance to Lockwood closed?
TS: UB had some pretty heavy construction going on this summer. There were bulldozers and debris everywhere, like a scene out of Transformers, but without the 100-foot tall robot truck. Lockwood was part of the massive project but it looks like they didn’t finish in time. Bright blue portal-like doors managed to make it in, however. Now, you can only get into the Lockwood Cybrary on the second floor and if you go up to the third floor, where there are more computers, be sure to remember what door you used. I needed some breadcrumbs to leave a trail last time I was in there.
AB: Those signs are just to deter naïve freshmen like yourself. We are all actually having a party where the cybrary was. Not a LAN party, either—a hooker and blow party. You got to read all the features stories this issue to get the password, though. Good luck.
Q: Is it possible to be allergic to latex, like in condoms?
TS: Sadly, it is very possible. Like a peanut butter or wheat allergy, a latex aversion can be a serious damper on a person’s everyday life. Think not being able to eat Reese’s Cups is bad? How about having to worry that you’ll experience painful hives, difficulty breathing, nausea, swollen eyes and more if you ever had to go to the emergency room. There are many medical instruments that contain latex, like surgical gloves, bandages, adhesive tape, stomach tubes, wound drains, and most anesthesia equipment. A person with a latex allergy has to worry about their insides swelling up as well as getting through their medical procedure.
As for condoms, there are options that are latex-free. Trojan offers both natural lambskin (made from sheep intestine, yum!) condoms and polyurethane ones. The downside is that they are a little pricier, and some studies have shown that polyurethane condoms are slightly more likely to break and lambskin condoms are more likely to transmit STDs. But for the good news, both are substantially thinner than latex condoms, making intercourse feel infinitely more pleasurable.
So if you think you have a latex allergy, be extra careful around medical or lab equipment and balloons, but do not fret—there are still prophylactics out there for you!
AB: Condoms are for pussies. Get it? It’s a double entendre. Heh heh.
Q: My roommate eats cereal all day but never eats real meals. She says this is healthier for her than eating dining hall food, but I think it’s a bad idea. Who’s right?
TJ: Your roommate is anorexic or quite possibly the Trix Rabbit.
AB: Who’s right? You are both wrong. She needs to pick up a turkey leg, and you need to m.y.o.f.b. Who cares what she eats? Unless she is vegan. In that case, harass the shit out of her. That is just lame to the max. Please forward any leftover boxes of Count Chocula to 315 Student Union. Thank you in advance.
Q: Why do you publish the personals?
TS: Well, apparently we’re not publishing someone’s personals and they aren’t too happy. Despite what Andrew said a few weeks ago, girls do not like being called cunts. Jerk.
AB: Have you ever had an eighty-minute Knox 20 lecture on a Tuesday morning? We’re there for you, buster. And like I know shit about how to treat girls. If I knew how to treat a woman right, I would still be allowed into the state of Nevada.
Q: I have an on campus job but I can’t seem to get ahead monetarily. I have a bunch of Vicodin that I could sell to get some cash, but I don’t wanna creep people out by pushing pills on them. How should I go about selling them?
TS: I’m no druggie, but I would guess the first step would be to get in with the right crowd. Do your friends enjoy Keystone Light over 8-balls? Then they aren’t your target market. Find a fellow dealer, perhaps a low-level distributor. He or she might be able to direct you to someone who is in need of your stash. Maybe you’ll find some eager buyers or an accomplished substance pusher who will pay up front for the pills, easing the awkwardness of asking people, “Hey, you looking for a fix?”
AB: Pushing pills? Do people still say that? No. Dude, none of your friends are going to buy drugs off of you if you sound like a 1970s narc. Start saying you are selling tickets to ride first class on the Chill-Out Express. Small layover in Sleepyfun Village. Or give them to me. That’s cool.
