“I’m Right. You’re Wrong.” is an advice column especially designed to help University at Buffalo students. So, if you have no one else to turn to (and I mean absolutely no one) drop off your question in our personals mailbox or email us at askgeneration@gmail.com. If you’re lucky, your question just might show up in the next issue.
Q: Why does this column have the same layout every single year? Can no one think of anything better?
TS: We just love the bully image—what can I say?
AB: Back in ‘04 we were going to change the image to a graphic photo of downright spousal abuse, but our attorney advised against it.
Q: I got pulled over on Friday night. I wasn’t drunk but the cop was just really rude to me and wouldn’t listen to anything I said. He gave me a DUI even though I passed all the tests. What can I do now?
TS: You should walk right into the Office of Judicial Affairs & Student Advocacy, located at 252 Capen, and raise hell. Like really, or you’re fucked. It is a little known fact that UB provides legal advisors for all students regarding any issues violating regulations of the University. Although your situation might not be directly UB related, the Student-Wide Judiciary will be able to offer you the legal counsel you need to squash that unwarranted DUI.
AB: Did you try crying about it? Oh wait, that’s what you did just now. Get a lawyer. Make sure it’s a funny one, preferably Jewish, and make sure he trips and falls all the time. Don’t get a good one, just one that will make this entertaining for you, because you aren’t going to be having any fun for a long time, Sally. See if you can hire Michael Richards to imitate his character from the 1997 flop Trial and Error. I never actually saw it, but he looked silly in it. And God knows that dude needs money.
Q: I think my cat understands me. Does he?
TS: When cats grow accustomed to their owners, they begin to react when they are petted, fed, and talked to. You’re nice to them, so they stick around for treats, and maybe some furry fake mice toys. If you are a total asshole to a cat, they will probably run away, piss on your couch, or try to scratch your eyeballs out. But who knows? Cats are really, really weird; I challenge anyone who’s ever had one to say otherwise.
AB: Unless your cat is Garfield, probably not. I like to think cats are completely oblivious to everything but shitting and eating. At least that’s what I tell myself when I masturbate in front of mine. If only he knew…
Q: How many calories does beer actually have?
TS: Most domestic beers have between 99 (Bud Select) and 200 (Sierra Nevada Pale Ale) calories. For all you wondering if Guinness really does contain the same nutritional value as a loaf of bread, it doesn’t. A pint of stout contains 210 calories, and that’s only about three slices of bread or a small bagel. But it does not make you fat. Don’t listen to that silly rumor. It’s the 3 a.m. Jim’s Steakout trips that do that.
AB: Significantly more than the semen in your mouth. Does that help?
Q: My roommate has this asshole boyfriend that my other roommates and I think is a drug dealer. He doesn’t go to school here, but he comes like every weekend and is really rude to all of us. He seems to treat her all right when he is here, but she is a totally different person to us when he is around, and he is a disrespectful guest and makes it hell for us when he’s visiting. They fight ALL THE TIME when he is back at his own college and it’s constant drama. We don’t know how to approach the situation, what should we do?
TS: I’m sorry, that sounds god-awful. Situations like this always suck. People in relationships, if you haven’t already noticed, are sometimes off their rocker. Whether it’s a genuine love is blind situation or an abusive relationship, some girls (and guys, too) think they can’t get out of it, or sometimes, they don’t even see what the problem is. If you and the other roommates truly think she is suffering from the all the fighting and the supposed drug dealing ways of her boyfriend, then you need to sit her down and tell her—he’s a dick and you could do better. But if she actually seems happy despite the over the phone arguments, bitching to her simply because you don’t like the guy will cause chaos. That could ignite some kind of roommate vs. roommates situation and awkwardness and animosity will reign supreme. Man, I’m happy I live with all boys.
AB: Play the second chorus of “Livin La Vida Loca” backwards. There have been several documented cases of subliminal messages encoded on Ricky Martin’s late ‘90s work, and it is a well known fact that his first hit single contained cryptic suggestions to set one’s own house ablaze. I’m not saying you should actually commit arson, but give it a listen and leave the rest up to Ricky. Come on!
