You wanna be a bro? Don’t even front—you know you do. Bros get the hottest girls, drive the sickest whips, blast the illest jams, and go to the best parties. Sure, they sometimes get arrested for blowing coke off their dashboards; they may black out from drinking too much Natty Ice or Keystone; or beat up some guy for checking out their junk, but bros are all-around good dudes at heart. After all, they’re your bros. So, all you dinks out there who wanna bro down with the cream of the bro crop, here are a few tips:

Get a Sweet Tat

The best way to let other bros know you’re a totally killer dude is to get inked. If you’re really serious about brodom, go with a tribal tattoo—the abstract shapes are like ink blot tests for other bros. Another safe bet is a sick tattoo of Chinese characters. None of your bros will have any clue as to what your tat means, and you can use it to pick up chicks at bars and frat parties. Brosephinas are innately attracted to the Chinese words for “Luck” or “Virtue.” Plus, you can tell people your tattoo means whatever you want, depending on the situation. If those ideas don’t float your motorboat, get a tattoo of your favorite sports team. Nothing says “I’m cool” like a flaming basketball on your shoulder.

Sculpt Your Guns

Being a bro is hard work. You drink tons of beer, and chow down on Doritos and Taco Bell. Unless you wanna turn into a marshmallbro, you have to hit the gym on the regs. Gym bros are a special breed of bro. They only hang out with dudes who can help them monopolize the mirrors in the weight room. If you want to live la vida broca, you gotta get ripped—I’m talking biceps, triceps, hamstrings, quads, pecs (or broobs), and all those other muscles that make the ladies come running. Besides, what will go better with your tribal armband tattoo than rippling muscles?

Makeover!

If you want to fit in with your new bros, you gotta look the part. A trip to the mall is definitely in order. Borrow your mom’s credit card and hit up Abercrombie & Fitch, American Eagle, and Hollister—the trinity of Brotopia. While you’re there, buy a few pairs of baggy cargo shorts, polo shirts in assorted, bright colors, pinstripe button-down shirts for when you hit the clerb, and logo hoodies (preferably with the name of the store blazoned across the chest). Also, wearing pink and purple does not make you a bromosexual—it lets the ladies know you are one sensitive dude. Don’t forget to pop your collar! See a funny shirt that says “I Love Lamp” or “McLovin’” ? Buy it! Make sure you load up on pre-frayed baseball caps and visors, Axe body spray, puka shell and hemp necklaces—throw on a pair of Birkenstocks for good measure. For special occasions, buy a blazer and a nice pair of slacks from someplace preppy like J. Crew or Banana Republic. If you can, find a few Livestrong bracelets, to show how socially involved you are. Pretending to care about caring is a total turn-on for the broads.

Load up your iPod with Jam Band Crap

Nothing says “I’m chill” like hippie jam rock blasting from your speakers. Dave Matthews Band, Jack Johnson, O.A.R., Incubus, moe., and Phish are a few bro favorites. Hardcore bros love to listen to stuff that they can sing along to at karaoke, but that also works as background music for hackey sack games, beer pong parties, and weed smoking. Pretty much any band you could see at Bonnaroo or Lollapalooza is fair game. Bros congregate at these events hoping to score with easy chicks while collecting drug dealer contacts from all across the nation. That way, no matter where the bros go, they always have someone to help them bro down.

Re-enact Jackass

Bros love watching other bros do extreme shit. Case in point: Bam Margera. Snowboarding and skating are two of the most popular bro sports aside from lacrosse, of course. One way to let your newfound bros know you’ve got big gorilla balls is to load yourself up in a shopping cart and take a wild ride down the side of your neighborhood hill. But don’t just let your crew watch—recruit someone to videotape your wicked stunts. Got a friend with an iguana? Let it bite you in the Jack Johnson, post the video on Facebook, and let the friend requests flood your mailbox.

Now that you know how to be a real bro, you’re ready to enter the pearly white gates of Brotopia. Get ready for the best years of your life—booze, parties, video games, and all the breasts you can motorboat. Do it up, bro!