“I’m Right. You’re Wrong.” is an advice column especially designed to help University at Buffalo students. So, if you have no one else to turn to (and I mean absolutely no one) drop off your question in our personals mailbox or email us at askgeneration@gmail.com. If you’re lucky, your question just might show up in the next issue.
Q: I tried acid the other day and I haven’t been able to sleep since. It’s been about three days now. I didn’t think it could mess you up so badly. Is there anyone I could talk to about this?
TS: The asshole who sold you that crap acid, or that old sock that’s been talking to you.
AB: Walk out of your dorm room and go talk to the geese that are shitting all over the bike path. If you don’t get a response from them or their turds, you aren’t really tripping, and are actually just a moron.
Q: I’m a girl and there’s a guy in my Psych class I know is checking me out. Is it weird to approach him? I know girls don’t usually do that, but I really want to ask him out or at least get him to talk to me.
TS: Not weird, just bold, and guys like girls with balls. Saddle up next to him one day and ask him out for coffee or something. If he looks at you like you’re crazy, finish the semester off sitting as far away as possible. Hey, at least you tried.
AB: He would have started talking to you a long time ago if you were even remotely attractive. Sorry. Sounds like you’re Uggs-ville, baby. He probably isn’t checking you out, but actually analyzing your repulsiveness. Kind of funny now that you think about it, isn’t it?
Q: I love my boyfriend but I also want his sister. What should I do?
TS: The fact you want his sister poses a bit of a problem. Ok, a really massive one. If you were attracted to his female friend, you could probably swing it and convince him to have a threesome because you want to experiment. He would definitely get behind that, no pun intended. But…you want his sister. You can’t have both; you need to make a choice. Choose wisely.
AB: Keep your fingers crossed for a nuclear waste leak into the water system and hopefully the two will be melded together into some sort of mutant so you can live out your incestual fantasies. Good luck, I’m rooting for you.
Q: My roommate’s parents came up for Parents Weekend and they walked into the room while I was having sex with my girlfriend. Now she’s really embarrassed and won’t talk to me AND my roommate is really mad at me. It wasn’t even my fault. What should I say to them?
TS: Why should he be mad at you? He should find it hilarious, or at least you should. The dad was probably proud someone was getting laid in college, even if his kid wasn’t. As for your girl, she’ll get over it. Everyone runs into an embarrassing sexual encounter now and again; laugh it off as just a funny story to tell down the road.
AB: Of course your girlfriend is embarrassed, her boyfriend is a pussy. It wasn’t your fault that you can’t lock your door? It wasn’t your fault that you warned your roommate? It wasn’t your fault that you didn’t bang her in a bathroom stall like a real man? You’re on your own.
Q: Harvard University has H Bomb, the official sex magazine; UB needs to create UB BOMB, the official UB sex magazine. Is it is possible to change Generation into a sex magazine?
TS: Sure. All we would need is a ton of money so we can have a glossy 80-page, color magazine and enough hot college students willing to take their clothes off. You game?
AB: No. None of us have ever had sex. I’m convinced it’s some sort of communist bullshit. Are you a commie? Fuck off.
Q: I keep sending in personals but you guys never publish them. What’s the deal?
TS: I personally go through about 200 a week and half of them are spam. Fucking spam!? Another quarter of them are written by the same person. We can see your IP address when the personals get sent—if you’re the one doing it, you’re dorky enough to know what an IP address is, so stop repeatedly sending us lame ones.
AB: We get asked this a lot. To be honest, the majority of UB students are just not funny. Now that we don’t have a drop box, we get to witness a lot of the “anonymous” personal drop-offs firsthand. The best is the Long Island girls who come by to drop off “really funny, for sure!” personals about Long Island girls, and the busted guys that come in with personals bragging about their hyperbolized sex life. Students, I beg you: please be funny. References to early ‘90s pro wrestling, gangsta rap lyrics, misspellings of the word “blunt” and, I’ll say it again, the word “cunt” always, always, always lead to funny personals. Please comply. It’s not easy writing these ourselves, I swear.
