“I’m Right. You’re Wrong.” is an advice column especially designed to help University at Buffalo students. So, if you have no one else to turn to (and I mean absolutely no one) drop off your question in our personals mailbox or email us at askgeneration@gmail.com. If you’re lucky, your question just might show up in the next issue.
Q: If you toss a Smurf’s salad, will your tongue turn blue?
TS: I don’t really know the color of a Smurf’s excrement.
AB: Smurfs are not real. We’re talking analingus, right? You can’t do that with, you know, a cartoon. I used to do a really good rim-job impression with my right hand (the index finger would curl up under the thumb simulating the most accurate of anuses), but that is neither here nor there. You only submitted this question because you thought it was funny, right? Truth be told; it is not. You mixed one part ‘80s nostalgia with an equal amount of potty mouth. You would be great on VH1. If you would really like to stick your tongue in something, try an electrical socket or maybe the space between my balls.
Q: Why are there chalkboards in some of the bathroom stalls?
TS: At the rate the bathrooms around here run out of toilet paper I’m guessing they are there so you can write angry messages after having to scoot out of your stall into another to wipe yourself.
AB: I have no idea what you are talking about. I shit in a bucket on the third floor balcony of the Student Union and drop it on people that play shitty music downstairs. I haven’t heard DMX this year. WTF? If someone doesn’t get a party up in here by the end of the semester, expect a storm of shit on your ironic Foreigner albums and your crappy bake sale.
Q: What kind of person asks “I’m Right, You’re Wrong” for advice?
TS: People who have absolutely nowhere to turn, because if anyone takes Andrew’s advice, they might end up in jail or in overwhelming pain from having their nuts kicked in.
AB: I started writing a response about how rad Tara and I am, and that you would be stupid not to ask us cool-cats for advice, but as I was typing I heard Tara sing the chorus of the 1993 Corona’s hit “Rhythm of the Night.” I don’t think I’ve heard that one since Jock Jams Volume II. I might as well be answering these questions with fucking Coolio.
Q: So my buddy came up last weekend and upon waking from his drunken stupor, he sleepwalked and pissed on my roommate’s computer chair, then slept in it. There have been other times I’ve witnessed this sleep-drunk-pissing bonanza (including myself in a girl’s laundry basket). Why the fuck does this happen?
TS: One tip for you, don’t tell the student population you pissed in a girl’s laundry basket. Anyway, as I’m sure you can attest, when people are drunk they don’t really have the upper hand on their judgment. Hey, a toilet is a type of chair, isn’t it? So, from now on when you or said buddy feel the urge, the world is your bathroom. Just blame it on the Jagerbombs.
AB: Aw, what’s the matter? Little lady doesn’t know how to handle her liquor? You and your frat sisters need to ix-nay on the iskey-whey until you learn how to drink like men. My two concerns are that, one, the whole pissing thing bothers you, and two, you want to know WHY it happens. It happens because you are a pussy, and that’s what pussies do, they piss. They do other things, but the pissing is the funniest. Don’t question things like this. I bet you are a total goober.
Q: There’s this smokin’ hot girl on my floor that I wanna fuck but she has two ugly ass roommates and she has a boyfriend and I have a girlfriend. What should I do?
TS: Well, you sound like quite a charmer so I’m sure it won’t be hard to steal her away.
AB: I’ll let Coolio field this one: “If you got beefed, then nigga eat a porkchop / Once I get it goin’, you know it don’t stop / I break like dandylocks, panties drop, from hood to hood, block to block / Help, I need somebody to get it goin’ on in this party, baby / You can do it, take your time do it right / We can drink some yak and do it all damn night.” Shit gets them wet, son!
Q: If I get myself cloned, and have sex with it, is that gay?
TS: I think that’s such an advancement in science that the gayness wouldn’t even be an issue—Nobel Prize worthy, even.
AB: It’s only gay if you cum twice. It’s a fact, look it up.
