The Buffalo Sabres announced on Friday November 9 that they would be opening up 4,500 additional tickets for the Ice Bowl at Ralph Wilson Stadium. After the public outcry following the initial ticket sales plan, in which tickets sold out in a matter of hours and left many fans figuratively (and literally) in the cold, it seems that the Sabres and the NHL are making an effort to accommodate “the best fans in hockey.”

But wait. Don’t get your credit card out yet. There are a few, shall we say, drawbacks. First of all, you have to register for a chance to get the tickets. You can’t just sign up and pay. The more pressing matter, however, is that the tickets are for seats with an obstructed view. This all sounded a bit suspicious to me, so I decided to try to figure out where these seats might be.

1. Behind a pole or support strut. Stadiums often have these seats and charge a discounted price for them. It’d just take a bit of moving around to get a good angle. Result: A stiff neck. Worth it? Yes.

2. The men’s bathroom, second stall from the left. You’ve got a seat, running water, and you might be able to hear it when the crowd cheers. You are, however, obstructed by walls, toilets, and urinals. Result: Mild nausea. Worth it? Maybe.

3. Behind a really tall guy. Obstructed by neck, hair, and one of those Sabres puck-shaped hats. The NHL hires really tall guys to occupy certain seats in every section. You might be able to see once he finishes nine beers and passes out. Result: Frustration and prolonged exposure to body odor. Worth it? Maybe.

4. Hot dog stand, cashier position. You watch the game while actually selling hot dogs. Result: A stomachache, and a small paycheck. Worth it? Eh, probably.

5. The real seats that are for sale. In actuality, the seats that opened up are cheap, and very close to the ice. They’re so close, in fact, that when sitting there, you will be even with the playing surface and your vision will be impeded by the boards surrounding the ice. Too much of a good thing never works. Result: The distinct, stinking feeling of being used. Worth it? Absolutely fucking not.

6. Rear-facing seats. An entire section of seats has been installed at center ice, ten feet from the boards. But instead of facing the rink, they face backwards toward the crowd. Just to fuck with you. Another ploy by the Sabres. You’re at the game, though. What more do you want? Result: If you can deal with straddling a plastic stadium seat for 3 hours, it’s perfect. Worth it? Yes, but don’t bring a date.

7. Your car, section A1, parking lot. Your view is obstructed by the stadium itself, but you can always listen to the radio. Result: Loss of car battery life and carbon monoxide poisoning. Worth it? No.

8. Your house. Obstructed by everything that is between your house and the stadium. This includes walls, buildings, trees, airplanes, people, animals, and air. Result: Paying money to sit in your living room. On the upside, free food and beer. Worth it? It depends on how much beer you have.

9. Behind Ryan Miller, in the goal. Best seat in the house! But you also have a sweaty guy in 60 pounds of padding in front of you, and rock-hard pieces or rubber flying at your face at 100 miles per hour. Result: Injury, possible death. Worth it? Totally.

10. On the hockey puck. In an amazing combination of science and sport, and inspired by that machine from Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory that shrinks people into little tiny TV-sized versions of themselves, you can strap yourself directly onto the hockey puck and go for a wild ride. Result: Better than any roller coaster, and you’ll never get closer to the action. Of course, with the way the Sabres have been playing, you may not make it into the net, either. Worth it? Yeah, what a story to tell!