Principal Blake: (Something along the lines of) You all know this bright young man I’m about to introduce, this genius child who was proudly received by the school district at the tender age of five. Some of you might have seen him walking down the halls of this fine school and were too intimidated by his intelligence to talk to him, or perhaps your children had the privilege of his company after school. However you may know him, you will be pleasantly surprised as I present to you all, the valedictorian, Everett McMullen!
*hold for applause (give 2 minutes)*
Me: Thank you Principal Blake, for the warm introduction. Really, there’s no need for so much applause for ME *wait for joyful applause to die down (give another minute)*. I’ve always said that “along with success comes a reputation for wisdom.” I can easily say that this is very true with this class, especially with me. Our accomplishments make us what we are, or at least my accomplishments have. Thinking about accomplishment reminds me of my most life-changing experience, which was when I got my SAT scores in the mail. It was astonishing to know just how smart I was, to receive a 630 on the verbal section and an awe-inspiring 720 on the math! *wait for applause* Results like that would be a challenge to beat. It was then that I truly realized my potential, though I was already slightly aware of it, since it’s usually me that breaks the curve and answers all the questions in class.
Along with that great achievement, I have spent numerous hours of my time winning medals in gymnastics tournaments across the country, singing in the school’s chorus, and helping the academic team make finals this year. I believe through all of my hard work, I have managed to gain respect from both my peers and from my teachers *possible unexpected applause*. Yes, I think in the short time I have had on this earth I have accomplished so much already. Of course, that shouldn’t be expected out of all of you, haha *wait for laughter to die down*, so I’m going to talk about the accomplishments that I know will be waiting for you in the future.
Soon, all of you will be going to college, well, if you count community college as a real college. I personally will start my schooling at Dartmouth at the end of this summer and hopefully begin the long path to becoming one of the best gynecologists in the country *expect lewd sexual comments from beautiful women in the audience and Jacob Ruther’s mom, blush, wink, and read where you left off*. Of course, as many of you know, Harvard decided to reject my application *wait for hisses and boos to die down*, but I will not have that stop me from achieving my goals, and that shouldn’t stop you all either. While it is tragic that either no real schools wanted you, or you were too poor to go to a legitimate place of higher learning, there is still hope for you all!
All of you, if you work hard, will excel in the careers that you strive for. One day, everyone in this exceptional class I was so proud to be a part of will be some of the best plumbers, hairdressers and mechanics in the county, just you wait! *cheers from audience* Of course, there will be some exceptions, like Robert Jenkins, who was a bastard to me in high school and will most likely be stuck working in retail for the rest of his life, but there’s always one, isn’t there? *audience laughs at the expense of Robert (asshole), I bask in the glory of it* Still, We shouldn’t think too hard about Robert’s former life of douchebaggery and instead pray for his escape from the inevitable, mindless fate that awaits him. For now, let us think on the accomplishments that are about to come, and remember that while you might not achieve as much as I will, at least you will accomplish more than Robert Jenkins *give a moment for people to reflect on my wisdom*.
Of course, there is more to a life than just a career; there are families to consider as well. Once out of college I plan to start a family with my wonderful girlfriend, Jenna Atkins *expects “aw’s” from parents, disappointment from beautiful ladies and Jacob’s mom, and blushing from Jenna*. Even though she called me “Smelly McMullen” throughout middle school and ignored me for most of my freshman year, I have forgiven her for past digressions and know that we are meant to be together forever. She will be going to community college with the rest of you, and I just know that we will stay true to each other until we can be together once again. From there, she will make an incredible housewife and mother to my incredibly smart children. I know one day you will find a love that is almost as strong as Jenna’s and mine and create beautiful, caring families of your own. This of course excludes Robert Jenkins, who will die alone. Yes, the future is looking beautiful for us all!
Another thing that I often say is that “nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm.” All of us have so much passion for the lives we strive to achieve that nothing will hold us back. I know I won’t be held back. And on that note, I present to you all the class of 2011, and most importantly me, Everett McMullen *crowd goes wild. Expect five-minute applause and, afterwards, handshakes and heartfelt gifts from awed strangers*.
Maggie Anderson is a freshman English major and a Literary writer for Generation.
