“I’m Right. You’re Wrong.” is an advice column especially designed to help University at Buffalo students. So, if you have no one else to turn to (and I mean absolutely no one) drop off your question in our personals mailbox or email us at askgeneration@gmail.com. If you’re lucky, your question just might show up in the next issue.
Q: So my friends think I have a chewing tobacco problem and while we were in Capen I took out my chaw and put it into a container because I had to go get printouts. My one friend decided to replace that chaw with a piece of his poop. When I opened the container and I realized it was poop after I almost put it in my mouth, I sunk into a deep state of depression. What should I do?
TS: What the fuck is chaw? How long did it take you to think of this question? Who the hell would poop in Capen? I cannot validate this question with an answer. Idiot.
AB: Don’t be glum. One of your buds had to walk around with a piece of shit in his pocket. It doesn’t get much lower than that.
Q: I’m really into giving golden showers. It really turns me on, but when I have an erection I can’t pee. What can I do?
TS: Wait until you have a half-y and give her the old Jim Carrey from Me, Myself, and Irene.
SC: Ho, ho, ho, young master, and Merry Christmas to you. First of all, I’d like to thank my friends here at Generation for asking me to be a guest this week. Goodness knows you kids bring joy and warmth to my heart around the holidays. Mrs. C. and I sometimes run into this problem just after we finish our hot chocolate and settle in for bed. She’s plenty randy, you know, and Rudolph isn’t the only one with a giant red appendage around here. My solution, that I’ve found to be both naughty and nice, is to pee first and then get your woody on after watching. That way, you can have the best of both worlds! Ho, ho, ho, good luck, young man, and remember—I see you when you’re sleeping and I know when you’re awake, so be good, for goodness’ sake!
Q: So the other day I saw a guy wearing Ugg boots at Starbucks. Why would a guy wear Ugg boots? Is there something seriously wrong with him? Please help me solve this conundrum.
TS: While Ugg boots are warm and toasty, they really are horrendously ugly, especially on a male. However, there might not be anything wrong with him. He might just be a visiting sheep-shearer from Australia.
AB: You were spending six dollars on glorified hot chocolate and feel like it’s in your best interest to critique someone else’s poor choice? The answer to the riddle is to shoot yourself. In heaven everyone wears Birkenstocks, so you have that to look forward to. Hippie.
SC: Oh, dear me, I can understand your confusion. I find myself delivering many, many pairs of those infernal boots every year, especially in the Long Island region of the country. Never have I delivered them to a man, though. At least not to my knowledge. The elves got together one year and demanded them as part of their uniforms because “they’re just so gosh darn warm,” but I told them to can it or I’d deport them.
Q: My mother told me that if you smoke pot, God won’t give you babies. Is this true?
TS: Well if God invented pot, then he’s quite a hypocrite, isn’t he? He also said something along the lines of “be fruitful and multiply.” Pot and babies for everyone!
AB: No, no, no. You misheard her. God said “If you smoke pot, Andrew Blake will give you babies.” Nothing quite like taking advantage of a stoned freshman at Baird Point. Not that that has happened. Just sayin, you know? So yeah, like the saying goes, “Don’t do drugs.” Or is it “Do drugs?” I can’t quite recall. Hmm. All the same.
SC: Ho, ho, ho. Mrs. Claus likes to smoke the reefer once in a while. We don’t have any children. That I know of. So there you are.
Q: If a girl has a vaginal yeast infection, and you fill her cooch with starch …will there be a hot dog bun after two weeks?
TS: According to Wikipedia, yeast infection symptoms include “severe itching, burning, and soreness, irritation of the vagina and/or vulva, and a whitish or whitish-gray discharge, often with a curd-like appearance.” I don’t recall whitish-gray discharge being an ingredient to hot dog buns. Not delicious ones, anyway. Sorry, pal.
AB: No.
