Q: I was driving to Tops with my roommates and one of them started jacking off in the back seat of my car. How should I react to this considering I live with him?
TS: If you’re trying to be funny, it’s not working. But if you’re not, and your roomie was really whacking it in the backseat—watch out. If he felt inclined to whip it out during an eight minute car ride, think of what he’ll do in the privacy of his (and your) dorm room. He’s probably one of those people who grew up in a household where it was okay to walk around nude until long after puberty.
AB: Take the hint. He is clearly a Wegmans man. Come on, who goes to Tops? What are you? Poor?
Q: Why doesn’t UB2020 spend our money on more computers?? So we don’t have to wait a half an hour for them, instead of buying freaking flowerpots…and other decorations.
TS: If you haven’t noticed, UB has replaced every single computer in both libraries. I think they were going for quality more than quantity. I hear you, though; I want to punch people in the throat when I see them blankly staring at Facebook when I need to write a paper.
AB: They are working on it. A little known step in Simpson’s master plan is to convert all students to cyborgs during the next decade. Don’t worry; he is one step ahead of you. Blip.
Q: Why does that emo kid from The Spectrum hate all other emo kids?
TS: “This ain’t a scene, it’s a goddamn arms race!” Or whatever the fuck that’s supposed to mean.
AB: Oh, the emo kids, such a confused bunch. While assessing this situation, you need to firmly start at the bottom of things. More than likely the douchebag in question ventured through junior high with a plethora of Slipknot patches on his backpack, which, undoubtedly hung unfashionably low beneath his Jnco jeans and wallet chain. Come ninth grade, the dude totally hopped on the ska train and two-stepped through high school without any friends or a clue. Now come the big leagues and a new chance to hop on a fad. Did he pick a good one? Of course not. Once you get pegged as the fuckstick emo kid your first day of World Civ, you have to live with that well into your final term paper, or at least a transfer, which is the pussy way out. Little lady needs to smokes some pots, put on Zeppelin II, and get his head out of his twat. And to answer your question, no, they can’t get along. The last thing we need are these tards ganging up.
Q: What’s with Conan O Brien’s beard? Does it really matter? He’s the coolest guy ever.
TS: While he might not be the coolest guy ever, but probably the tallest and goofiest, the beard ups his comedic anti. There’s something about a face-full of red-haired scruff that just makes his antics even more hilarious. Seriously, this writer’s strike is doing wonders for the show. Anyone see him zip-line through the audience to save Abe Lincoln? Gold.
AB: I think Conan decided that if he was going to let his show suck, he might as well let his physical appearance fall apart, too. Apparently not only did the writers go on strike, but Conan’s personal stylist and beard-trimmer did too. I thought Conan was supposed to be a comedic genius? His writers go on strike and all of a sudden he can’t pull humor out of his ass without wasting my time. If it’s 1 a.m. on a Wednesday night, I either want to be laughin’ or masturbating. I don’t care if Cinemax comes through all scrambled, tits are tits and Conan and his shitty beard are both losing me. Either that, or the writer’s union and Norelco are in cahoots.
TS: Water, water, and more water. Alternating booze and H20 is always a good idea. Also, if you reach the end of the night before barfing, and you’re hungry, eat something. Nothing like a slice of pizza to absorb 17 Keystone Lights.
AB:If you keep your nightly sleep at under four hours and begin drinking with your breakfast every morning, hangovers will never be a problem. Liver sclerosis on the other hand—that might be something to watch out for. Your best bet is to not whine about it, cause I have a hangover now and the last thing I need is to hear any of your bullshit. Pansy.
