Q: Ok. So if a dude can beat his meat, that means “meat” can be used as a word for penis. That being said, two men having sex could loosely be called a “meating.” Now, I’m a business administration major and I hear about meetings all day and I can’t stop thinking about gay sex. It’s starting to affect my work. Help me.
TS: When I hear about meetings all I think is, “Oh man, I hope there are free bagels and coffee.”
AB: What’s the problem? I think about gay sex all the time. It helps me concentrate. If you are that concerned that gay sex is prohibiting you from studying there is really very little that I can do to aide you. My usual suggestion is to just “suck it up,” but in situations like these, that might not be the best advice.
Q: Is it safe to get a blowjob from a girl with genital warts?
TS: If you are worried about running into this situation, wearing a condom would help prevent any chance of contracting a disease like genital warts, even if you’re just having oral sex. If you can’t bear the thought of getting a hummer while wearing a condom, just make sure she doesn’t have a cold sore.
AB: Have you ever heard the expression ‘What’s good for the goose is good for the gander?’ What I’m trying to ask you is what would a goose do? Would a goose take the BJ or run away like a scared little ducky and shit all over the picnic table and hood of my car like a fucking bastard. You tell me, goose. Eh? Eh?
Q: What does the “33” mean on the bottle of Rolling Rock?
TS: This is going to be a way longer explanation than you ever expected since the people at Rolling Rock are assholes and won’t give a straight answer. It might have something to do with… the Freemasons, a fraternal organization dating back centuries; the 1933 date ending Prohibition; the horse on the label “Old Latrobe” was number 33; Rolling Rock’s 33-word pledge to quality; the number of steps to brew the beer; the number of steps from the brewmaster’s office to the brewery floor; and the temperature at which beer tastes best. Also, how many Rolling Rocks you need to drink to get drunk.
AB: You are retarded. You are looking at it the wrong way. Turn it upside down. It actually says—shit. That’s so cool. Do all numbers do that?
Q: Is it wrong that I Facebooked and then friend requested Andrew Blake?
TS: Nah. This guy’s quite a character. Why not stalk his every move and then admit it?
AB: Well that all depends on if you have genital warts.
Q: Where can I go watch the Superbowl around here? My dorm TV is tiny.
TS: Personally, I’ll be spending the afternoon watching the game on my really fucking big TV, but if you’re looking for somewhere to go, I suggest a sports-oriented bar. Since Buffalo is a city built upon football and beer, you can throw a rock and hit a joint that provides the two. Some fun places to go are JJ’s inside Casa di Pizza, Cole’s on Elmwood, Neighbor’s Pub on Kenmore and The Buffalo Brew Pub on Main and Transit. Also, the Student Association office; their TV takes up an entire wall.
AB: Maybe watching football alone on a small dorm room television is the humbling, debasing experience that you need to get your life together, Buster. I refuse to help you. If you were a real man, you would be watching Puppy Bowl, anyway.
