Forget the presidential primaries, forget Mardi Gras, forget American Idol, it’s the Super Bowl that forges legends and decides who the true American icons are.

In light of this highly anticipated sporting event, loyal fans are battling back and forth over who they think will take the trophy after 60 minutes of cutthroat, savage game play. Sometimes some real assholes get involved in the mix, and the bullshit Boston Globe columnist Jessica Heslam displays in her January 25, 2008 article “Pats Fans a Cut Above: Giants Outclassed on the Field and in the Stands” reeks like the streets of Spain in midsummer.

Before savagely ripping this dumb-witted, miserable and arrogant slime into tiny indiscernible pieces, I have to address a few facts that actually are undisputed and disturbingly accurate. The Patriots’ quarterback, Tom Brady, is probably one of the best QB’s in the history of the game. He has truly an incredible arm, and a keen knowledge about what is happening on the field. He knows how to win football games. It also doesn’t hurt that he has an extremely proficient and reliable receiving core.

But whatever. Heslam’s article takes a poll conducted by Nielson Co. (yeah, the TV ratings company) and draws her own conclusions. The poll found that “62 percent of Pats fans living in the Boston area earned a bachelor’s or postgraduate degree or have some higher-education experience, compared to 59 percent of Giants fans.”

This translates into a childish insult that should be expected from a know-nothing moron like Heslam; Patriot fans are smarter than Giants fans. This is somehow worthy of our attention and supposed to make Patriots fans feel good about their worthless Trans-American Studies bachelors’ degree while they read the paper from behind the lunch counter they’ve been working at since they graduated. But that’s just where her article begins, it goes on to describe a number of revealing details about snobby Bostonians and the way they watch the game of football.

“72 percent of Pats fans live in homes worth north of $200,000, compared to 63 percent of Giants yahoos,” her article continues. Again, polling data that reveals absolutely nothing about either fan base except for the fact that Patriots fans have more money. Feel good all you low-life Pats fans, you can watch the Super Bowl on your 72 inch flat screens, but that isn’t going to help Tom Brady when Michael Strahan rips his legs off and beats the rest of the Pats’ offensive line unconscious with them.

While most of her article is self-appreciative bullshit, she somehow finds a way to insult Giants fans by attacking what she presumes as our drink of choice, Bud Light. “We drink Amstel Light, not Bud Light. Giants fans slug back lots of whiskey.” Well, yes. But this is also fucking America, and when I’m not slamming down touchdown shots of Jamo it won’t be Bud Light I’m drinking, but some delicious 16 ounce Icehouses—all the while screaming at the television set like it just slaughtered my entire family. Is this lunatic presuming that because 62 percent of Pats fans have bachelors’ degrees they have some sort of pre-ordained, highly developed pallet that Bud Light simply cannot satisfy?

Then Heslam really breaks it down. “Pats fans are also more Web savvy…some 63 percent have broadband Internet connection.” What the fuck? How does the speed at which you download porn relate in any way to how skilled you are at using the Internet? More importantly, how does that have anything to do with football, and why does that make Patriots fans better than Giants fans?

Then she takes an interview with some random bum that lives close to Gillette Field and uses his quotes to try and support her poorly formulated thesis. “Boston fans are much classier.” Classier? Oh, like when Patriots head coach Bill Belichick was caught cheating on his wife? That was classy.

Oh yeah, and did you know that Giants fans are more likely to gorge on chips and nuts while we watch the big game? I guess they don’t eat chips in Boston, they prefer to dip organic celery into their freshly made hummus spread. Why not eat my ass while you’re at it you shit-eating fox bummer.

I don’t hate you Patriots fans, you’re just misguided, and star-struck with Tom Brady, like a small child sitting on Santa’s lap. I have nothing to say about you pathetic fair-weather fans. When the Giants walk into Arizona and shred New England, I wonder what that filthy degenerate Heslam will have to say. Then again she’s probably the type to hold a Super Bowl party and pass around shrimp cocktail, chatting about the stock market.

Which brings me to the most obvious conclusion anyone reading this article can come to—this bitch doesn’t get it. It’s about the game baby. And come February third, we’ll drink Belichick’s blood on the streets of New York. Heslam’s too, fuck it.