Q: What can I do to get UB to the top of the party school list again?

TS: Considering you asked this question, I’ll assume you already drink a lot of booze and, at least, smoke trees from time to time. If you don’t—start, that’s about all you can do. Honestly, there’s not much on the horizon for UB partying unless you have enough cash to open a few bars that don’t suck on Main Street and revamp the school’s entire Greek system. Standing around in a hot, wet basement fighting to get a cup of Genny Light is no way to spend an evening.

AB: Andrew WK once said “It only takes one to party,” and honestly, if anyone knows it, it’s him. This is the same guy that wrote “Party Hard,” “It’s Time to Party,” “Party Til You Puke” and “Long Live the Party,” mind you. What I’m trying to get at is you already possess the key to the party, and if you can’t find a way to unlock it, I’m afraid hope has dwindled for you. Don’t stop living in the red.

Q: I really want to switch my major but I’m already a year into it. I’m miserable but worried that I’ll fall too far behind, what can I do?

TS: Do not force yourself through a major if you are unhappy. You might have to take some extra time in school but save yourself the misery and frustration—ditch your major for something you enjoy. The worst that can happen is that you might need to take an extra year of classes. Who wants to leave college, anyway?

AB: Yeah. You realize the sooner you graduate the sooner you have to pay your loans, right? You should stay in school well into your forties, knock up as many freshmen as possible, and if anyone asks, tell them you are just a cafeteria worker. Get as many degrees as you can, steal as many foam “Bulls #1” fingers as possible, and under no circumstances should you try to enter the “real world.” Beside, what’s more real than having your mom pay for your meal card anyway? College is a blast. I think you need some Andrew WK, too.

Q: How many calories are in bubble tea? I love the stuff but sucking down giant balls of tapioca can’t be good.

TS: You’re right; it’s not good. Sorry to burst everyone’s bubble, but that sweet, kitschy drink you’re washing down lunch with has about the same calorie content as Whopper Jr. After some poking around the Internet, it seems that each gummy ball contains about seven to ten calories, each drink contains roughly 30 of them—that’s about 200 calories just from the tapioca. Add the milk and sugar—you’re looking at another 200-300. Unless you’re substituting bubble tea for a meal, only enjoy this drink sparingly or else those balls will go right to your ass.

AB: Why would you drink something horrible for you that tastes like shit when you could drink something horrible for you that is fucking tits? If you want to be Asian that badly, drink some sake so you can at least get a buzz. If you are that concerned about your health, put down this magazine and your bubble tea and go run a lap, champ. Wait, no, don’t put down the magazine. Our advertisers don’t like it when I say that.

Q: I want to get my boyfriend something really special for Valentine’s Day, any suggestions?

TS: I’m getting my boyfriend four and a half years of regret and a half-assed beejer. Man, Valentine’s Day really loses its spark after a while. Just kidding! Be really thoughtful, make a mix CD, cook his favorite meal, or pick up his favorite beer. Does he have sexual requests that don’t usually make it into your nightly routine? Try them out; nothing says, “I love you” like furry handcuffs and chocolate sauce.

AB: Something special means anal every time, and I mean every time. I learned this back in grade four when my counselor thought it would be a good idea for me to take the special bus for a few weeks. And no, I regret nothing.