My girlfriend has been dropping hints for weeks. This is going to be our first Valentine’s Day together, so she wants it to be special. Me? I love her, so I’m willing to bend over backwards if it means I’ll make her happy. So, what’s the right route to take? Let me guess—you’re in the same boat as me. Here are a few last minute suggestions for making this February 14 one she will never forget.
Dinner—The old standard for a nice Valentine’s Day is some classy-schmancy dinner. But if you’re like me, living day-to-day by returning Natty Ice cans and rummaging under the couch cushions for change, you didn’t begin to even contemplate reservations yet, and, more than likely, you’re a tad too late. Good news. The McDonalds on Niagara Falls Boulevard and Maple Road recently underwent a major restoration—it’s practically a palace. While ordering off of the dollar menu might not require the full breadth of your language abilities, use your imagination. “Baby, I’m going to buy you one of everything off that menu,” is a pretty powerful sentiment. Also, they have two drive-thrus. It’s like we’re living in the fucking future. If that doesn’t get her wet, I don’t know what will. If you are looking for something a little bit more formal, a place with actual silverware, I recommend Jim’s Truck stop on Walden Avenue, just a stone’s throw from the Galleria. Let your gal bask in your machismo as she watches you throw back with real life truck drivers. Why not treat her to one of the only licensed restaurants in Erie County that still has a smoking section? If the salad bar and meatloaf doesn’t drive her crazy, you can attempt to win her over by showing off in the adjacent video-arcade. I recommend brushing up on skills now; a high score on Hugh Heffner’s Playboy Pinball might just seal the deal for a romp in the pay-showers in the back; just be ready to leave a ten dollar deposit and a set of car keys at the front register.
A Night on the Town—After dinner, be prepared to show her all the majestic splendor that Buffalo has to offer. While many find Niagara Falls to be the most romantic spot in Western New York, I have always been partial to the viaducts that cross over the 33. Throw some lawn chairs in the truck and head on over to Best Street in the historic East Side of Buffalo to watch the cars roll by. “It’s like we’re on top of the world,” you can tell her. For added excitement, buy crack cocaine and throw rocks at passing automobiles. After, finances pending, why not take her to the place every girl loves: Lasertron. What says “I love you” more than running around with a bunch of chubby dweebs with a ten-pound box strapped over your chest and a realistic gun pointed at your face? Don’t forget to load up on free refills of Mountain Dew. By sneaking a flask in, your date’s Sierra Mist can quickly be transformed into a faux-Mojito; she’ll never know the difference. Which brings us to…
Cocktails—After an evening of food and fun, find a nice place to enjoy a drink or five. While most cafés and bars are packed-solid on Valentine’s Day, use this excuse to demonstrate your thoughtfulness and craftsmanship. If you have a buddy who works at a supermarket, see if you can snag some expired juice before it hits the trash—grape always ferments perfectly. A dash of mouthwash, available in a variety of flavors and ABVs, will surely give the extra kick for a fraction of the price you’d otherwise spend on an expensive bottle of Stoli. If your prissy bitch isn’t all about sipping OJ in your mom’s basement, take her someplace nice and put up a stink when the maître d’ claims you don’t have a reservation. As previously stated, most restaurants are packed with customers, so creating a fuss over their blatant carelessness will surely lead to them compromising a seat for you and your guest rather than losing potential retuning customers. Make sure to ask for the manager and tell him all about the “extremely embarrassing ordeal” of the restaurant losing your reservation, and insist that your drinks be comped. Posing as a venerable food critic wouldn’t hurt, either.
The Doin’ it—Once your date is sufficiently liquored up, it’s time to work that special Valentine’s magic. The New York Times called Barry White “the baritone ambassador of love” for his ability to weaken the knees with just a single earthy rasp; personally, I think nothing is sexier than ‘90s pop. The songs speak for themselves. From OMC to TLC, Bone Thugs to Haddaway, if you heard it during the ‘90s, it is most likely sexy. While it may seem like I’m just trying to be funny, there is nothing sweeter than slamming some box to Eagle Eye Cherry’s “Save Tonight.”
Once she is in the mood, accentuate the emotions with props from your neighborhood porn shop. Most area stores carry specialty items made specifically for Valentine’s Day: lingerie, lotions, marital aides, and all sorts of odds and ends decorated with hearts and the like. If your night has worked out this good so far, why not take it to the max? Though a recent survey I conducted of local porn shops revealed that none of them carried “that thing that Bugs Bunny used where he pushed the two levers together and a boxing glove popped out…but for a vagina,” a little foam rubber, super glue, some sticks, and a bicycle chain would probably produce similar results. Just imagine her in awe at your sheer ingenuity.
