Q: What the hell is UB Believers? Is it some sort of cult?

TS: No. Well, not in the drinking Kool Aid and wearing white sneakers kind of way. UB Believers is somewhat of a morale-boosting group headed by good ole’ Johnny B. Simpson. The most conclusive information I dredged up about UB Believers is a quote from their website, “this broad-based advocacy group shares a belief that a strong UB will lead to a brighter future for all of Buffalo Niagara.” Broad indeed.

AB: As a rule, I only participate in cults that ride on the back of comets, so I kind of just shrugged this one off. If they wanted to make us collectively stronger they could start by eliminating the abundance of chicken finger pizza that is available all over campus. You can smell this stuff from four buildings over, it draws you in. Maybe there’s a part in UB Believers that will have all students morbidly obese and incapable of digging their asthma inhalers out of their cargo pants pockets just in time for UB 2020. In the meantime, I’ll just stick to Heaven’s Gate.

Q: My friend recently had his 16-year-old sister come up. Things got crazy and I ended up sleeping with her. I’m 24. Should I tell him?

TS: No, no, and no. That’s his baby sister! Christ, why don’t you just tell him you fucked his mom.

AB: Yes! If he is a dude (or even better, a “bro”), underage sex totally trumps the fact that it’s his sis. Of course you shouldn’t tell him…if you don’t like getting high fives!

Q: I was caught doing a private act in my home by people across the street (they caught me masturbating (prone position) in my home). I have never seen the video but I am guessing it’s pretty invasive, given that I had my shutters down (it was not exactly a strip-show or something). Now I am accused of everything from being gay (which is bullshit) to being a pervert (lack of sex education?). I want to pursue this matter legally—for that, I need that video and names behind the video. Can you please help me in getting help? How do I approach this problem?

TS: How were you yanking it in prone position? For those of you who don’t know what that is (I didn’t), it is when you lie face down. Anyway, it seems as though you have some peeping toms living nearby. You need to get your hands on this video or no one can be charged. The most advice I can give you is next time you need some self-love, do it in a room with no windows.

AB: So wait, yeah, how exactly do you masturbate laying down? What? Like, on your belly? Where does your wang go? I don’t think I understand. Screw you, I need to see this tape. I feel like I’m missing out on something.

Q: So my friends were having this argument about “hook up.” Some said it means “have sex with” and some said just kissing or making out could be “hook up.” Does “hook up” necessarily mean “to have sex with someone”?

TS: I think the meaning of “hook up” is ambiguous for a reason. I mean there’s quite a disparity between, “Yea, you know, we just kind of hooked up,” and “Yea, we totally fucked.” Or, if you didn’t actually get laid, but want to sound like you did. “Man, that girl was wild; we hooked up,” really means, “We got really drunk and kind of drooled on each other’s face before we passed out.” So, it means whatever you need it to, depending on the situation.

AB: Of course it doesn’t. The only verb synonymous with “fucked” is “railed.” Unless they totally railed, nothing happened. For instance, using the above example, “I kind of hooked up with your sister” could yield a pummeling of a lifetime; it just sounds like you fingered her butthole while you two smoked pot and played Madden while your friend went to 7-11 for more frozen Taquitos, and frankly, that’s just dirty. On the other hand, “Dude, I railed your ugly sister,” you guessed it, HIGH FIVES!