Q: The other day I was at a party and I had to piss. I was wondering if I should leave the seat up or down? Because if I leave it up, girls will get mad, but if I leave one seat down, then people will think pee is on the seat. But, if I leave both down, people will think I took a shit. What’s the proper seat etiquette?
TS: I think your best option would be to leave the inner seat down, but be sure to wipe it off if there is any incriminating leavings. If there isn’t any visible pee, there’s nothing to worry about. Neat freaks suck, anyway.
AB: The simple solution would be to just avoid using the toilet in the first place. I don’t mean “hold it,” after all, it’s not your house, right? Parties mean drinking, and drinking means no excuse or reasoning necessary to explain your behavior. Be creative. Piss in a cup and leave it in the freezer. Shit in the tub. Those are just starters. Why limit yourself to a conventional toilet?
Q: I have these neighbors and every time I walk in the house, their dog gets the biggest red-rocket I’ve ever seen. I love the dog but how can I avoid his sexual advances?
TS: Ugh, my dog does the same thing. It looks like something out of Aliens. If they had regular old wood it might actually be funny. I hear dogs don’t like fireworks, if that helps at all. Good luck avoiding the doggy humps.
AB: If you just have horribly boring sex with it already, he’ll start leaving you alone. Just one half-assed hander through the doggy-door and hopefully he’ll get the picture and divert his attention to the mailman like he’s supposed to. Unless he’s drunk. Then the text messages start flying in.
Q: I’m hooking up with this “squirter.” I’m really sick of cleaning up afterwards, but the sex is great. What should I do?
TS: For all of you out there who don’t know what squirting is, let me fill you in. Squirting, or female ejaculation, occurs when the female prostate gland or Skenes gland, is stimulated enough to release a fluid. This fluid can range from a few teaspoons to two cups. Stimulating the G-Spot is a way to arouse women enough for “squirting” to occur. Though it may be a pain to clean up, at least you know you’re pleasing your lady. Put a poncho on and quit complaining.
AB: As long as her fluids are in no way “poo-based,” I don’t see much of a problem. Vaginal secretions are just a fact of life, and to cast this glorious gift aside is nothing more than a sad, sad shame. If the mess is really that cumbersome, change your locale. If you were a man, and well, I figure you are, you should have no problem with getting it on at her place, then bailing post-coitus. As a dude, you are actually required to do that. Leave her with a sheet soaked in lady-seed and hit the road. Either that, or wear biohazard gear. My girlfriend thinks Tyvek is sexy, but hey, we all can’t be this lucky.
Q: I can’t get my girlfriend to give me head. Really. This is going on months. What do I do?
TS: Just say, “Can’t we just have sex instead?” That usually works.
AB: Have you tried hyping it up at all? Like, “Man, I heard sucking my dick is the coolest!” Girls are suckers (no pun intended) for peer pressure, so let her know what’s hip and hopefully she’ll take the hint. And I’m totally joshing you, that pun was definitely intended. Boo yah!
Q: I completely forgot about Valentine’s Day and went to visit some buddies out of town. How can I make it up to my girlfriend?
TS: Just do the whole VDay thing over again. Chocolates and flowers, you know, the whole shebang. The best part is, everything is on sale and restaurants won’t have two-hour long waits. She’ll think you’re showering her with gifts, but really that stuffed bear was 79 cents at the bottom of a sales bin at Target.
AB: The only thing you can really do is give her a toe. Not the pinky either. Anyone can give a pinky.
