Q: Just how good was the International Fiesta?
TS: I didn’t go. But let me tell you, that eggplant dish at the international buffet in the Flag Room before the show was dynamite.
AB: I’ve been going to school here for four years and I still don’t know what this is. Prior to last week I just thought it was a combo meal at Taco Bell. Now that I hear all this buzz around campus I’m thinking it might be at Taco Bull. I can’t vouch for the quality but I’m pretty sure it’ll make you shit your drawers.
Q: I’ve been hooking up with a guy that one of my (not close) friends is hooking up with. He likes both of us and we both like him. No one is really sure what to do. I know he is playing us, but I don’t want to stop. HELP! MAKE ME STOP!
TS: The only way I can see this being resolved is either by weekly threesomes or a fight to the death. Your pick, girly.
AB: Wait until your friend shows signs of the oral herp. I’m sure some gnarly blisters on her lips will be enough to convince you to straighten your ways. Or let me do you. I’m not scared of no diseases or nothing. I think it’s a bit too late in the game for a little bit of worrying.
Q: Where is a good place to take somebody for a date that’s cheap, but doesn’t look cheap?
TS: Restaurants that look pretty fancy but that don’t totally ransack your wallet are plentiful around here. Try Romeo and Juliet’s on Hertle, Vino’s on Elmwood, Saigon Café on Niagara Falls Boulevard or Gabriel’s Gate on Allen Street. Or just go mini-golfing. Nothing like a good round of shooting balls into a hole to create some sexual tension.
AB: I thought I handled this a few weeks ago with my Valentines guide? If your girl can’t appreciate your hair-brained half-assed attempts to finagle the waitress at Denny’s into a complimentary Moon-Over-My-Hammy, I doubt she’ll stay with your broke-ass long enough to take her to a place that is cheap, yet doesn’t look like a dive. The clock is ticking, so you might as well take her to Wendy’s in the meantime and save a few bucks while you can. Two weeks from now you’ll have to hire a hooker anyway. Nothing says “Please stay with my poor, pathetic self” like 99-cent chili.
Q: How do I get my girlfriend to stop making ape-noises during sex? It’s bothering my roommates.
TS: Just sit her down and politely say, “Baby, I know I’m hung like a stallion, but can you just try to keep the grunts down to a dull roar?” Or just tell her to stop fucking faking it because you’re going to come either way.
AB: I’ve had a bunch of exes act the same way. Surefire solution is to cover their head with a pillow. Just, you know, don’t press too hard. Let me repeat: I’ve had a bunch of exes. I also have a shovel and a large trunk.
Q: I just got drunk and registered Green. Am I going to hell?
TS: Yes. A hell full of clean energy, bountiful marijuana fields, and drum circles.
AB: I hope not. After being “too busy” to register for three years, I finally mailed in my registration last year, sober, as a member of the Green Party. I’m all about throwing away my vote, but now it’s official. No matter who wins, both of us can say, “At least I didn’t vote for him.”
Q: It’s March – WTF is with all this snow?
TS: Yea, I came to the conclusion last night that it has been snowing for three weeks straight. Get used to it buddy. March is Mother Nature’s crowning dump of sleet and slush after three months of sub-zero temperatures.
AB: It only seems like winter is staying forever cause of that goddamn leap year. I know they tell you it’s just an extra day, but I’m pretty sure the man snuck a few weeks in there this time around. Just keep your (snow) pants on and cool your jets. I would like to acknowledge that I deliberately withheld from referencing ‘90s Canadian rasta-rap wonder “Snow.” If I could have worked it, I would have.
