Q: Why is the Easter Bunny coming so early this year?

TS: I was going to tell you that it’s early because the Pope said so, but I looked it up. According to good ole’ Wikipedia (hey, they fact check, kind of), “The date of Easter follows the computation of the Alexandrian Church which states ‘that Easter is the first Sunday after the first fourteenth day of the moon (the Paschal Full Moon) that is on or after the ecclesiastical vernal equinox.’”

AB: Is this a premature ejaculation joke? If so, I would really like to hare the punch line. Ba dum tsch.

Q: I went down south for Spring Break and not only cheated on my girlfriend multiple times but blew next month’s rent and then some. What do I do?

TS: Blew the rent money, eh? I hear Colombia is lovely this time of year.

AB: Call up your travel agent and ask for a refund. The only time I partook in Spring Break, I at least got Carson Daly. And the herp. Still trying to figure out which is more embarrassing. Did you get to meet DJ Skribble at least?

Q: I’ve been hooking up with these two girls and I’m starting to think they may be friends and are starting to put the pieces together. How do I keep them from figuring out what’s going on? And if they do find out, how do I salvage at least one and better yet both?

TS: Girls are not stupid and they will definitely figure it out. However, we ladies can also be a bit catty and they might turn against each other and not you. That means they will both keep sleeping with you to piss one another off. I’d say you have a pretty nice situation here. Congrats.

AB: To answer your first question, this is nothing a set of fake glasses and moustache can’t take care of. You’ll need an alias, too. Maybe some roofies. Yes, definitely some roofies. As far as salvaging goes, you’re on your own. I have a hard enough time maintaining one relationship, let alone two. If you can successfully fake an injury, perhaps one with head trauma, you might be able to get pity from both parties. Or forget how to speak English. I can’t tell you how many times that’s worked for me. Sometimes I just forget, you know?

Q:Well, I am a guy. How do I pleasure myself? I live with roommates. How do I pleasure myself so we won’t be embarrassed?

TS: Well you probably shouldn’t do it in the room. When the covers are rustling for more than five seconds they’ll know you have more than an itch. I suggest doing while you’re in the shower. But be sure to clean up, because if someone steps in it, I’ll hear about it in the personals and that will just be embarrassing for everyone.

AB: Back when I was a freshman, we use to play a fun little game called “Hide the cum.” The rules are simple. You cum, and your roommate finds it. It’s not as adventurous as, say, an Easter egg hunt, and well, I suppose more accurately it should have been called “Avoid the cum.” But anyway, what you need to do here, buddy, is you need to be creative. I bet masturbating upside down inside of a closet never appealed to you before, but sometimes you gotta go with the flow. Muffle the keyhole with a sock and that shit’s soundproof. How often have you been the only person in your building doing laundry? More importantly, how often do you inspect the dryer for semen before you deposit your load? When the going gets tough, you’ll learn that there is more than one way to masturbate.

Q: I still have a few days to resign a class I’m unhappy with. Should I do it?

TS: There is a fine line between being unhappy and “Oh shit, I think I’m failing.” If the latter is the case, resign. You don’t want an F messing with your GPA. But if the class is just a little boring, man up. No one every said Geology 102 would be enthralling. Although, I did find the section on volcanoes interesting, lava is fucking incredible.

AB: Of course you should! The college experience is a lot like McDonalds. Have it your way! Or is that Burger King? I don’t know, whatever. You don’t get to be a fifth year undergrad by taking classes you don’t like, believe me. Wait until something awesome opens up that will help fill out your requirements, like “How to be Sweet 101” or something along the lines of bikini inspecting. If enough of us petition, it is only a matter of time before we can get some solid classes up in here.