Q: Why isn’t anyone running against those SA dudes?
TS: Because apparently making a sweet stipend for attending a bunch of meetings where there is most likely free pizza is just too difficult for people. Didn’t someone want to stir up a little election controversy? I should have run, just so I could set up a stage and put on some sort of one-woman show. I definitely would have lost, but rousing the crowd in the Union with a rendition of “Superfreak” karaoke would have been interesting. That wouldn’t have been controversy so much as a complete waste of time, money, and dignity. Did I mention the SA “election and credentials” gets a $4,500 budget? Oh the possibilities…
AB: No one else likes free vacations. I heard those guys hit the slopes hard. Wink wink.
Q: Why do I always gag when I brush my tongue but not when I give my boyfriend oral sex?
TS: Brushing your tongue is just too damn tickly sometimes. Or maybe your boyfriend’s wiener is only a little bit smaller than a toothbrush.
AB: Either your electric toothbrush is oscillating too much, or your boyfriend’s dick isn’t oscillating enough. If you don’t gag enough to spit up last night’s burrito, you’re not doing it properly. It’s just not a blowjob unless you throw up a little.
Q: My ADD keeps resurfacing and digs me deeper and deeper into an educationally neglected mound of excrement. How can I get a grip on my priorities without getting overwhelmed?
TS: I have one word for you: Adderall. That shit will keep you focused like a laser pointer. Also, it makes you really skinny, but coincidently one possible side effect is it could make your heart explode. Your choice: big pile of poop, or a hot bod with a slight chance of heart attack.
AB: I have fantastically vivid daydreams where these piles of shit encompass your body whole and a slow, aggravating suffocation spoils your miserable and utter existence. I’m sure you were just being figurative, but isn’t that weird? ADD is made up. Get over yourself, Sally.
Q: Why is the April Fool’s edition of The Spectrum never funny?
TS: I actually disagree with this. That thing about the badass wrestler a few years back is still kind of hilarious. Hell, it’s more than we ever do. Then again, publishing this magazine every week is like April Fool’s day over and over. Man, I really need a vacation.
AB: Whatever do you mean? I’m sure they will publish some rip roaring fabrications meant to hoax the unsuspicious student voice, we will all get swindled, and perhaps even split our sides from a knee-slapping good ole’ time. Or not. If this year is anything like the last few, expect some low-rating pranks like Baird Point burning down, smoking being banned on campus, and John Simpson being hit by a bus. If we’re lucky, they might even kill a dog.
Q: I had a falling out with my former roommates this year, now we don’t even speak. I spent a lot of time with them, but things went sour. I kind of miss hanging out once in awhile. I don’t really know how to approach this situation because it might have been my fault. What can I do?
TS: If you really want to make amends, write a nice letter, or more likely, Facebook message them. Think about what happened and try to honestly explain your side of things. Maybe bring up some fun times you spent together. Living with roommates is difficult and sometimes people get along better when they aren’t in such close quarters. If that doesn’t work, oh well, move on. At least you tried.
AB: Never admit fault, agree to disagree, and loot their purse while they are in the restroom. Be honest with yourself. No one ever actually misses their old roommate. Just reminisce for a second about that caked toilet paper that hardened to the edge of the bowl for a month after no one cleaned it and you'll be thanking your lucky stars your old roommate's retarded dog no longer shits in your shoe.
