CAT WARS
Catsthatlooklikehitler.com
5.10
by Elina Vaysbeyn
Sure, sometimes it’s offensive to parody genocidal leaders from the past, but sometimes it’s also fucking funny. Depending on how you do it. Catsthatlooklikehitler.com is a website for owners of cats that bear a striking resemblance to the one and only, yes, Hitler. “Kitlers” have everything from Hitler’s black patch of a mustache to his infamous combover—possibly even more horrifying than his superiority complex.
Paul Neve, the site’s creator, claims, “all cats want to rule the world.” I must agree with this statement. After cleaning cat poop and cutting claws for nine months, I feel more like my cat’s pet than the other way around. Kitler families are encouraged to submit pictures of their felines. How do you know if you are the proud parent of a Kitler? Neve clarifies, “Do you wake up in a cold sweat every night wondering if he’s going to up and invade Poland?” Does your cat have “megalomaniac tendencies and highly questionable politics?” Is it dawning on you? Maybe your seemingly “stupid” cat has been leaving funny-smelling surprises all over the house, but it’s all about the strategy. It’s time we connect the dots.
The site obviously attracts a lot of controversy, but who can resist a kitten, even if he does look a tiny bit like Adolf? Paul Neve is a self-proclaimed Jew with a sense of humor he dubs crude, but he allows people to speak out against his website on a page called “We Hate Kitlers.” On “We Hate Kitlers” people can express their outrage about the content of the website, accusing Neve of supporting “fascist racism,” or complaining via a tirade, “Yo dude your site is kinda gay, no offence but the cats don’t look enough like hitler, i saw one where the cat is in a nazi uniform, more of those cuz thats funny, the rest is kinda gay.” Polarizing the debate is the “We Heart Kitlers” page where patrons and owners of Kitlers have the opportunity to retaliate.
In his FAQ section on the website, Neve attempts to curb the backlash by answering the question “Aren’t you glorifying Hitler?” He states, “Hitler was a disgusting, pus-ridden lump of excrement from the devil’s own anus… I think it’s entirely appropriate to reduce him to an object of ridicule by comparing his physical appearance and styling to a bunch of fluffy, cute moggies.” Now, I’m not sure what a moggy is, but I’m just going to take a stab and say it’s a cat. If it’s not, this site is getting weirder by the second.
In reality, my only comment is that maybe if people felt as passionately about real issues as they do about silly junk on the Internet, we’d probably be in a much better place right now. Neve’s idea of comedy might be a bit out there, but can’t we all agree there’s a lot more offensive shit to berate than a couple of cats with a Hitler ‘stache?
ONE MAMMOTH-SIZED STINKER
10,000 BC
3/10
by Roger Chao
With the success of films like 300 and Transformers, the fat cats in Hollywood have realized one important rule all blockbusters share: bigger is better. We, the American people, are infatuated with explosions, larger than life creatures, and dazzling CGI effects. Director Roland Emmerich’s new film 10,000 BC follows this blueprint. The movie may be a giant piece of eye candy, but its special effects are only meant to distract viewers from the terrible plot, acting, and the awful taste it leaves in your mouth.
10,000 BC takes every cheesy movie cliché and blends it into one giant two-hour smoothie. The plot revolves around D’Leh (Steven Strait), our pre-historic protagonist. Ever since his father abandoned the tribe, D’Leh has been shunned by the rest of his people. As an outsider, the only person that understands him is Evolet (Camilla Belle), a strange girl with glowing eyes whose destiny was to bring “four-legged demons” to the land. The two eventually fall in love (what a surprise!) until one day, when the prophecy (of course there’s a prophecy!) is fulfilled and raiders on horseback destroy the village and kidnap Evolet. Our hero then sets out a journey to rescue his girlfriend, and while doing so, battles giant bird-dinosaurs, unites warring tribes, and brings down a pre-Egyptian civilization. It’s funny to see that even before the birth of Christ, guys were still willing to do almost anything to impress a chick.
The movie’s biggest problem is its lack of any depth whatsoever. Imagine a Discovery Channel documentary colliding headfirst with those Geico cavemen commercials—that’s 10,000 BC in a nutshell. It seems like the movers and shakers in charge of the film spent all the money on big special effects, thus forcing them to cut quality in everything else. The cheesy plot and predictable dialogue made the film unbearable and boring. Even simple things like costume design were lackluster. D’Leh and the other males in his tribe all looked exactly alike, with the same beard and dreadlock combination. Any scene involving the tribe made it really difficult to pick out who was D’Leh and who was just another white Rastafarian clone.
In a time period when personal hygiene was completely non-existent, Evolet comes off as the hottest cavewoman I’ve ever seen, keeping her hair and make-up perfect every time she was on camera. The rest of the movie is just one inaccuracy after another. According to this film, mammoths were domesticated and used to help build the pyramids, even though the actual pyramids were not constructed until 2630 BC. D’Leh and his fellow tribesmen were also shown traveling across vastly different climates, from icy mountains to rainy swamps to deserts, all within a matter of days.
10,000 BC is a classic example of a movie that is all bang and no buck. Sure there are some crazy scenes with mammoths and saber-toothed tigers, but in an age when a movie ticket costs ten dollars, no one should be spending money to see this piece of fossilized dung.
A RAINBOW EXPERIENCE
Buffalo Museum of Science's "Palette of Life"
8/10
by Lisa Strand
A local hidden gem, The Buffalo Museum of Science is a beautiful building near Martin Luther King Jr. Park on Humbolt Parkway. Until June 21 a new exhibit, “Palette of Life,” will be residing in the front hallways of the Museum. “Palette of Life” explores color and our perception (or lack thereof), as well as the different ways it is produced and its significance in life. From a “Roomful of Color” to the living mural, there was a passionate demonstration of the many aspects of the color spectrum and its effects on our perception.
Simulating the way a colorblind person sees the world was the first stop in the exhibit. A camera was part of the display, showing the perspective of a colorblind person taking the Ishihara Color Blindness Test, versus someone capable of perceiving all colors. Next, there was a large enclosure in the foyer of the museum, called “Roomful of Color,” that had display cases of red, yellow, blue, and green objects separated by color, one on each of the four walls. Different lights set the moods and elicited distinct emotions depending on the lighting.
“The Color Lab” was an interactive learning area that displayed the effects of color filters and explained the process of light reflection. In a similar demonstration, there was a gel tube with a light glowing through it, and lenses to show the gradation of hue. It explained that blue light scatters easily when hitting gas molecules in the atmosphere, and at the end of the day when the light is diminishing, there is a red tint because of the lack of blue light that was exhausted.
In a particularly intriguing display, viewers saw the effects of adding electricity to different gases. There were glowing patterns in the prisms that they created due to the emission spectrum, which included Neon, Helium, Xenon and Argon. Additional displays explained that energy bands, vibration, and excitation are reasons for color in things such as metals, precious stones, and organic compounds.
Another part of the exhibit focused on the importance of color in wildlife, signifying warning, attraction, regeneration, and protection, as well as color symbolism in different parts of the world. The exhibit ended with a living mural, a poster board wall, for everyone to sign, which included some strange, awkward, and hilarious quotes from everyone who visited.
Color aficionados and science lovers alike should go check out the color exhibit. The museum also has permanent exhibits on ancient Egypt, dinosaurs, astronomy, and wildlife. The hands-on learning adds to the fun. Look for upcoming events including “Star Lights, Drinks & Bites,” which will be a 21-and-over late night event with wine, beer, and hors d’oeuvres. Also coming up, “A Night at the Museum,” where curious museum-goers and families can participate in a scavenger hunt, solve mysteries, and do arts and crafts. Normal admission is only $5 for students. It is open Wednesday through Saturday from 10-5 and from noon to 5 on Sunday. Next time you’re bored, go to this museum. You might even learn something!
THE REAL COMEBACK KID
MC Jesus - Resurrection Day
100/10
by Daniele Hauptman
It’s hard to make a comeback, but then again this cat never really left. This past Easter, the newest emcee on the block is actually thousands of years old. Back from the dead, MC Jesus resurrected himself and his musical career to drop the best album ever—even better than the ones he released in his previous life. With roots in carpentry, MC Jesus takes his inspiration from the sound of scraping saws and banging hammers, but with a modern twist. His latest album, Resurrection Day, is something of a miracle amongst the irritating pop static that bombards dance floors. At times jazzier than Herbie Hancock, at times gangsterer than Dr. Dre, and always representing that legendary old school biblical time, MC Jesus will make you a believer! No matter what your religion, you’ll want to bump this in your ride till the wheels fall off.
The album opens with “Nuthin’ but a G-O-D Thang,” which features a gospel choir harmonizing beautifully throughout the song, reminiscent of the vocals on Coolio’s “Gangsta’s Paradise,” but with less of an ominous tone. Beginning with some operatic vocals, then dropping the beat, this song is sure to get your ass shakin’ like tomorrow’s Lent and you’re giving up ass-shakin’ for 40 days. “Live and Let Live” is another song that’s a surefire banger, with its James-Bond-theme-meets-Public-Enemy style. The chorus “Devil tells you to hate, don’t listen / Y’all better chill out, my children” exemplifies the song’s inspirational message of love, and the beat is fire. Some may interpret the lyrics as anti-war, which is also hot. It is entirely possible that MC Jesus meant to promote peace with his song’s lyrics; after all, he used to be all about turning the other cheek.
“Rollin on Water,” another heavenly track, delves into the life of MC Jesus—what he does, and how he keeps it real. One line, “I don’t need a Humvee to pick up a honey,” shows that he’s down with the environment. He continues, “And I stay ballin’ but don’t even need money,” spitting on some classic MC Jesus shit, downplaying the importance of stackin’ mad paper like the lesser ballers. MC Jesus also plays on his reputation for being able to turn water into wine—in other words, he can turn any situation into a party.
Far from hating on other rappers and being superficial, violent, and misogynistic like a lot of fakeass crap out there, Resurrection Day is more than just a dance party waiting to happen. MC Jesus shouts out to his biblical roots with “Dear Mary,” set to the melody of Tupac Shakur’s “Dear Mama,” with a slow-paced hammering beat and soul claps.
While The Roots are right in saying “Every record ain’t a record just to shake behind,” MC Jesus doesn’t forget that people sure do love to shake what their mama gave ‘em. Critics everywhere will be praising his name for this immaculate conception. With Resurrection Day, MC Jesus brings his message of peace and love back to life, and onto a dance floor near you.
A PORNUCOPIA OF POSSIBILITIES
iPorn
9/10
by Matthew Hirschel
Are you tired of browsing the Bizarro Hub for the same old, lame adult videos? Are you exhausted from surfing the web for porn, either forced to pay outrageous monthly fees, or suckered into unfulfilling three-minute clips with shoddy quality? Fortunately, these nuisances can be a thing of the past if you purchase Sexbotics revolutionary new creation—iPorn. In a nutshell, it puts the design of porn entirely where it belongs: in your head. With patented Electrode Sexnology®, it actually allows for the user to fantasize anything, literally anything, and transcribe it onto any screen with a crisp picture and customized sound. For only $199.99, it is a steal that pays for itself after a month’s usage with the money you can save from purchasing spank material. The future of erotic film and masturbation has been changed forever.
Sexbotics has remained pretty quiet about the mechanics of such a groundbreaking invention, but the instruction booklet explains that it involves intercepting neurological pathways near the hypothalamus using electrodes. Applying and removing these electrodes is relatively painless, and a simple A/V cable that connects to a jack in your TV, iPhone, or computer screen makes producing customizable masturbation substance quick and effortless. With the optional “hands-free” application for an additional $49.99, it is now possible to not even touch yourself to get off. iPorn knows exactly what, where, and how you like it.
No more falling slave to other people’s ideas or making your own boring sex tapes; with iPorn you are free to direct, produce, and star in your own filthy fantasies. Anything is possible. The freedom of personal expression has reached new heights, and it’s all in the privacy of your own head. There is also a bonus networking option for the very kinky that involves connecting to another person’s computer over the world wide web—with their permission, of course—and exchanging ideas and situations for a distant yet intimate way to maintain or start new relationships.
Although this creation seems like a porno-paradise, there are a few snags that can interrupt your time of self-love. Potential hackers have been reported to make unexpected surprise trips into your fantasy if you’re online with another user, but Sexbotics is working on firewalls to prevent that. Having a freaky animal scene cut into your hot, blonde threesome scenario really breaks the mood. Also, if your mind isn’t completely focused, the characters can appear cartoonish, although many people might be into that. All glitches aside, true smut aficionados will appreciate such an awesome development; iPorn is a must for anyone who has ever thought about touching themselves.
CLINTON'S A PIMP
One Night on the Hill - The Hillary Clinton Sex Tape
10/10
by Victoria Burhans
Even the straightest of arrows bend, which is why it’s no surprise that the latest scandal to rock this election cycle isn’t Barack Obama’s reverend’s speech, but a sex tape. Hillary Clinton’s newest public relations battle isn’t over vaguely truthful remarks about sniper fire, but a down and dirty, pornographic video that is one part raunchy, two parts awkward, and one hundred percent shocking. One Night on the Hill is a security camera peep show that documents her foray with a Senate intern, a steamy encounter with a super delegate, and finally a passionate and outrageous rendezvous with a secret lover that you need to see to believe.
Showing that they don’t disrespect the average American citizen’s privacy, the State Department apparently hid surveillance cameras in all Capitol Hill offices as a way to “protect” our elected officials. These cameras remained a secret until another State Department slip-up. After the news of the candidates’ passport information breach, the higher ups decided to release all the skeletons in their closet. Lucky for us, in between hours of boring politics shines a brilliant gem—Senator Hillary Clinton letting her hair down and breaking loose. The kinky sexcapades take place over one long night, burning the midnight oil in the Senator’s office.
Despite her cold, homely exterior, Clinton shows off her wild side within the first few titillating minutes. Luring a young Hill intern into her office, she really shows us that she’s not as uptight as one may have thought. After ravaging the wide-eyed political science major, she pours herself a glass of chardonnay and welcomes in Superdelegate and Congressman Maurice Hinchey (New York’s District 19). Their interaction at first seems cordial and business-mannered, but after ripping off his suit, and enthusiastically slamming him down on her desk, it’s clear they’re not just talking politics. If this is the treatment her pledged delegates receive, it’s remarkable she has time to campaign, and if that were the end to her outrageous sexual episode, the scandalriffic tape would only be half as damaging. Turns out Hill’s favorite nightcap is Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi! While Clinton appears to be in the throes of passion, all Pelosi does is blink. Blinking her way through all the State of the Unions, it’s clear now that President Bush was simply turning Pelosi on.
After kicking her out, Clinton kicks back and relaxes over the rest of her bottle of wine and a fine cigar. Her husband isn’t the only player in the family. Seeming more relaxed and at ease, the tape ends with her skimming through proposed bills and campaign memos, utterly unaware her sexploits were caught on tape. It’s obviously just another average night for senator. Respek, Hillary, respek.
SAY CHEESE!
Shutter
7/10
by Emily De Beer
The film Shutter, directed by Masayuki Ochiai, is a re-make of a film that was released in Thailand in 2004, also titled Shutter. In keeping with the themes typical to J-horror (which refers to Japanese horror films that commonly involve ghosts and psychological thrills), the scare factor arises from the eerie concept of spirit photos. Supposedly, spirits with unfinished business are able to make their presence known by appearing in photographs. That is precisely what the ghost of Megumi Tanaka (Megumi Okina) does to disturb her living ex-boyfriend, Benjamin Shaw (Joshua Jackson), and his new wife.
Shortly after their wedding, Ben and Jane Shaw move from their small apartment in Brooklyn to a loft in Tokyo, complete with a private studio for Ben to pursue his career in photography. On the way to their honeymoon, however, their marriage starts off on the wrong foot after Jane (Rachael Taylor) hits a mysterious Japanese woman with the car and is unable to find the body. Both Jane and Ben begin noticing some strange occurrences, particularly the detectable images of a spirit in some of the photographs that they take.
Eventually, it comes to light that Ben knew the woman prior to his marriage as he previously worked with her in Tokyo. Ben explained to his wife that he and Megumi had a relationship, but that she became obsessed with him, so he chose to end it. Megumi’s ghost now wants revenge and has a message that she wants heard, or rather, seen.
The movie did have some cheesy scare tactics and false alarms, but overall it was frightening. At first Ben denies witnessing any paranormal activity and it falls upon Jane to research “spirit photography” and to figure out why the ghost keeps appearing. Once it is discovered that Megumi is Ben’s ex-girlfriend, the scary scenes become more frequent and as a result the plot becomes more stagnant. She can only walk slowly forward with her eyes slightly hidden by her hair so many times! Fortunately, the movie picks up again and has some scenes of both graphic and psychological horror—especially when the ghost initiated some corpse-y foreplay with Ben.
There is one final twist involving Ben’s colleagues that is revealed near the end of the film which explains exactly why Megumi was still peeved enough to stalk Ben in the afterlife via photos, in addition to her being a needy ex-girlfriend. Though scary enough to give some amateurs nightmares, it probably won’t be the right fix for a horror junky.
SA SHOCKS STUDENTS WITH SECOND SPRING CONCERT!
Britney Spears @ Alumni Arena 4/26
by James Ghazarian
This year, many have expressed disappointment in the artists chosen for Springfest. The complaints are usually the same; the acts chosen lack mass appeal and are brought to the University at Buffalo long after their peak in popularity. This year, however, your committed and hardworking Student Association has come up with an alternative to Springfest. They are bringing none other than notorious pop star Britney Spears to UB!
Britney Spears has gone through some rough times lately, and she has been quoted many times, saying that she wants to just focus on being a good mom and spending time with her family. Capitalizing on this, UB officials contacted Spears and made her an offer she couldn’t refuse. UB agreed to let both her children Sean Preston and Jayden James, as well as any future children she may have, attend UB tuition-free when they are ready to go to college. In addition to this, UB also offered Ms. Spears $49,000. SA had the leftover funds because washed-up rapper MIMS, whose lone hit was last year’s “This is Why I’m Hot,” only cost roughly $837 dollars to play Springfest. Spears will perform a one-hour set at Alumni Arena on Saturday April 26 the day after this year’s Springfest.
We are the first to have been alerted of this news; SA won’t make an official announcement until the first week of April. Our SA informant wished to remain anonymous, but he did state, “All of SA felt really awful for including MIMS in Springfest, so we tried to make it up to the students somehow.” I really hope MIMS pulls a Cam’ron and shows up seven hours late, leaving Akon to stall by punching random UB students and grinding up against underage girls.
UB President John B. Simpson stated, “Britney Spears is the best thing to happen to UB since the Dalai Lama.” With the recent resignation of New York Governor Elliott Spitzer (due to his hooker problem) the fate of the UB2020 program has been uncertain. President Simpson believes that Britney Spears’s visit to UB will bring our university national attention, and allow the UB2020 program to re-gain momentum. Simpson promised, “You will be seeing a whole lot more flower pots on our campus after Britney performs.”
The thought of a second spring concert at UB is unheard of. I personally can’t wait to see Britney lip sync and shuffle around the stage on April 26, because she won’t just be dancing for herself, she’ll be dancing for her kids’ education. If any of you first-year students do end up missing Britney’s historic appearance, you can at least look forward to Flo Rida headlining Springfest 2011 when you’re all seniors.
