Q: I’m not from Buffalo and I go home every summer. I desperately need a part time job when I go back, but I have no idea where to look. Have any suggestions?
TS: Well, when I used to go home, I would do some job searching over spring break, but I guess you missed that boat. As soon as you get back, start asking for applications at typical, high-turnover places like retail stores, or fast food restaurants. A better option is begging your way into a nice restaurant, especially if it’s seasonal, or ask family members if they know anyone who owns a landscaping business or teachers who need help at summer school. Sometimes they are your best resources. Seriously, start looking now though. I was forced to work at Blockbuster one summer because I was too late and other, better jobs were gone. Five free movies a week is not worth dealing with idiots who let their kindergarteners watch Saw.
AB: If you’d like to consider remaining in Buffalo for the summer, I am currently accepting applications for a live-in butler position. Other than daily chauffeuring and the occasional message taking, the job is relatively stress free and relaxing. I’m looking for someone honest, loyal, determined, and has no reservations about acting as a human bidet. Please bring an updated resume, a headshot, one full body shot and a doctor’s note to 315 Student Union.
Q: How many drinks per week are bad for your liver? I’m getting concerned.
TS: According to the Center for Disease Control’s website—get ready for this—more than two drinks a day for men and more than one drink per day for women is considered heavy drinking. Binge drinking is considered more than four drinks in a single occasion for men and more than two for women. Man, either the CDC is a bunch of squares or a good percentage of college students are fucked.
AB: Whoa, hold the phone, Tara. Thanks to “evolution,” a lot of people are born with up to half a dozen livers and don’t even realize it. Take that, creationists. As far as organs go, I think there is some sort of three-strike policy, just like baseball, so I wouldn’t be too concerned about slamming more beers than you’re comfortable with. Face it; if you’re apprehensive about your insides to the extent that you are asking a couple alcoholic pseudo-journalists, you probably have much more to worry about.
Q: I live in a house with several roommates, we’re allowed to have pets and are considering getting a dog. What’s a good starter dog, one that’s not too crazy?
TS: Well you have to decide what size dog you want—small, medium or large. I mean, if you get a dog that’s so tiny it barely looks like a dog, like a Chihuahua or teacup Yorkie, it shouldn’t be too hard to handle—it will probably just bark a lot. Purebred toy dogs are also expensive. The only two dogs I’ve ever owned in my life, a Jack Russell and German Shorthair Pointer, are both bonkers. Good dogs, but really energetic. I’ve heard that breeds like Golden Retrievers, Labs, Boxers, and Beagles are good choices for someone not looking to get dragged down the street every time they walk their dog.
AB: Everyone has a dog. Come on, you can do better than that. You don’t want your roommates to think you are some non-creative prick, do you? What are you going to name him? Spot? If you really want to have something loud and destructive shitting all over your pad, have a baby. You get some major tax breaks, not to mention you won’t look like such a creeper anymore when you spend five hours a day in the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese.
Q: I went to Burger King in the commons for lunch today and they refused to put fucking pickles on the side. The manager was a megabitch. What happened to “have it your way”?
TS: I’m guessing working a long shift at Burger King wouldn’t put someone in an amicable mood. Your lucky she only refused your request, she probably wanted to asphyxiate you with those pickles.
AB: The Burger King is a commie. If you’re going to be particular, so is the next guy, and then the next guy, and before you know it people will be ordering pepperoni on their burgers and mint chocolate chip dipping sauce for their chicken sticks. Listen bud, we are trying to live in a society here; we can’t all be stuck-up selfish whores, got it?
