Commercials as a whole are really stupid. Sure, some of them are funny, but they interrupt whatever you’re watching to try to get you to buy their shit. I already have enough things cluttering my room, and I don’t need to be convinced to buy more. For example, Kinoki detox foot pads—scam, anyone? And what about Head On, that headache chap stick for your forehead? What the hell is that? If you hate commercials as much as I do, check out the crap of the Western New York crop:

CRICKET

I’m not your BABY, guy!

You can barely even tell what the commercial is for unless you already know what Cricket is. What do they sell there? Economy size bottles of extra-hold hair gel? Cheap sexual favors? Oh…they sell phones? Well, I’ll be. Hey, it’s great that other companies are getting into the phone plan racket, and hopefully will help drive down all of our cell phone bills, but what the hell is up with these Cricket commercials? My guess is they get the “hottest” person from each store, make them dress business-casual, and try to lure in customers by getting everyone in the commercial to yell, “Cricket, baby!” I guess they forgot that sex only sells when it involves people who are attractive.

AIRPORT?PLAZA?JEWELERS

Where a really common expression apparently requires props as visual aids!

The first time I saw a commercial for this place it involved some guy, who I will assume is the store owner, jumping around waving a plastic arm and leg and yelling “AIRPORT PLAZA JEWELERS! Where a really great diamond doesn’t cost an ARM and a LEG.” They did that, and now they’re doing it again with a commercial for their million-dollar buying event. The newest commercial features an enthusiastic blonde girl popping out from the side of the screen and exclaiming, “I buy it!” repeatedly. Yes, they buy your old gold and diamonds, and use them to “build” new jewelry. This store’s commercials are so ridiculous there’s even a parody video on YouTube, with a man wearing a long blonde wig. Apparently the guy who owns this jewelry shack has money coming out the ears, so you’d think he could make a better commercial.

MIGHTY?TACO

Psychedelic ad campaign lures in the hacky sack team

You are getting hungry…very hungry. You want to get in your car and drive to Mighty Taco and get something fatty and delicious. Only problem is you are drunk as hell and you just smoked from a monster bong named Godzilla. The giant taco on your TV is teasing you, and the swirly bright ‘70s patterns have put you in a trance that can only be broken by tacos and burritos. It isn’t hard to figure out their target audience.

THE?GENERAL

I can’t go to lunch, I need to get my car insured!

Do you need car insurance IMMEDIATELY? So badly you can’t even go to lunch because you’re afraid that on the way to the Olive Garden you might get into a horrible car accident, and then you’ll be screwed? Well, lucky for you, all you have to do is point and click. Hey, here’s an idea! Let’s “prove” who has the better car insurance plan by having a race between a real person from “the other insurance company,” and a cartoon army general. Hmm…who will win, the cartoon, or the real guy? Surprise! The General wins! Now I’m convinced, especially by the cartoon confetti that rains down on his cartoon victory. Finally, a car insurance spokesman who may be even more annoying than that wig-wearing Erin E-Surance.

FUCCILLO

These wieners are HUUUUUUGE-AH!

I wonder if these guys actually have a grill going in their parking lot. I bet they don’t. They’re just trying to lure you in with promises of barbecued meat, and then when you’re stupid enough to go to their car dealership just for a free lunch, they trick you into buying a pickup truck. That old trick—works every time.